Tactical Force [Movie Review

                “Tactical Force” is the second of three movies starring Stone Cold Steve Austin that I found on Netflix.  I don’t know what sparked my desire to watch them, but I did.   At least this one has a slightly better plot than “The Stranger”.

                You could easily write this off as being “S.W.A.T. 2”, but apparently they’ve made that movie as well.  Steve Austin leaves a rebellious SWAT team that likes to solve the smallest of problems with the biggest of explosions.   It’s something we’ve all seen before, and hey, sometimes the hero even gets in trouble for doing more bad than good.

                Anyway, SCSA and company eventually get locked in a warehouse with some other bad dudes and it’s all about to go down in the most random of situations.   Did I mention that the heavy for the other side is played by Keith Jarrdine, the Dean of Mean?  

                When I saw the former UFC fighter come in, I knew I just had to wait for the big “pro wrestler vs. ultimate fighter” scene and it was worth it. 

                Michael Jai White also has a part in this movie, so as far as bad action movies go, this one isn’t so bad.  

The Stranger [Movie Review]

                This is one of the first movies I remember Steve Austin starring in after “The Condemned” and I really like “The Condemned”.   “The Stranger”, which is not based on the novel by Albert Camus, is a movie that will look good on Steve Austin’s acting resume, for experience purposes, but everyone else involved in it should be ashamed.

                In this sorted tale, Steve Austin’s character has lost his memory and the movie is spent trying to get it back and solve some sort of other plot problem.   It doesn’t really matter and the details are boring because you’ve likely seen this movie in other forms already.

                The best part of this movie is that I feel like this amnesia angle has been done before not only in movies but also on television.   That just makes this movie feel that much more dragged out.

                Do I like Stone Cold Steven Austin?  Sure.  Do I think he played his role well in this movie?  Sure.  Was the plot and writing not even mediocre?  Absolutely.

                Ahh, my memory just came rushing back to me as well.   The amnesia angle has been played before on the show “Monk”.   So I’d say just watch that show unless you’re a really huge Stone Cold fan in the sense that you must watch everything he has ever been in.

Dark Shadows [Movie Review]

                As Johnny Depp was starring in a movie based on a television series, so was a movie about a television series he had starred in being released.   As it stands though, I saw the 21 Jump Street movie and didn’t find it to be worth watching a second time over, yet loved the show.   “Dark Shadows” is a movie that I enjoy, though I’ve never seen the show before.

                A lot of this movie is Johnny Depp wearing really heavy makeup and acting out of place because he is in the wrong century.   So, yeah, it’s pretty much like most other Johnny Depp/Tim Burton collaborations. 

                Since I also watched this movie after “The Rum Diary”, this means that I have now seen every movie Johnny Depp has been in except for “The Lone Ranger” because it’s not on DVD yet and I don’t go to the movies. 

                Watching this movie, which is a dark comedy in some sense, makes me analyze the relationship between Johnny Depp and Tim Burton.  I wonder what it would be like if Johnny Depp had been the leading man (or a large role at least) in every movie Tim Burton made.

                Imagine Johnny Depp as Beetlejuice.  Imagine Johnny Depp as Batman.   Better yet, imagine Johnny Depp as The Joker.   Though given the Frankenweenie remake, I wouldn’t put it past Burton to remake Beetlejuice with Depp in it just for fun.

                All you really need to know about this movie is that Michelle Pfieffer asked Tim Burton for a role in it, which she rarely does, and thus it must be something worth seeing.   I did enjoy it a lot and since now I will be watching the entire series that came before this, it has definitely done that job perfectly as well.  

G.I. Joe Retaliation [Movie Review]

            While I wasn’t the biggest fan of G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, I am at least willing to admit that I appreciated it for what it was.   What the diehard fans (myself included) fail to realize when judging it so harshly was that it was a retelling in many ways and thus the characters were reborn.   I couldn’t imagine seeing Shipwreck dressed in his cartoon attire and I think a lot of people would’ve rolled their eyes at that.

            I had somewhat high hopes for G.I. Joe: Retaliation if only because I knew that The Rock and Bruce Willis are in it.  The movie did not let me down, even if it is just seemingly one big explosion after another.

            The first thing that I liked about this movie, that I feel set the pace for me, was when Snake Eyes talked,  Okay, so Snake Eyes didn’t actually talk so much as it was really Storm Shadow in Snake Eyes’ outfit, but still—it made me believe.   I had read online reports that the writers wanted Snake Eyes to talk in the first one, so my immediate reaction was one of, “Well, they finally went and did it”.  

            Yeah, they got me.   They probably pulled one over on a lot of the people who saw the movie and went through the same mindset as I did.   So bravo to them for that.

            Speaking of Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes, this movie also focused on them quite a bit.  I don’t want to sound like a bummer on this movie, but does anyone else agree that the ninjas could have their own spinoff at this point?   It’d be a side franchise worth looking into, as Storm Shadow became even more of my hero during this movie.

            Lastly, I heard this was based around the G.I. Joe: Renegades animated series, which after watching this movie prompted me to watch that show.   Movies really can’t say they do that often enough, so that’s also a big win right there.  

Danny Trejo Auditions for “Mexicop”

Title: Bad Ass

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie is all about Danny Trejo and is not too far off from the movie I’d like to see Trejo star in (as directed by Robert Rodriguez) called “Mexicop”.

Introduction: Free Netflix Series #4 (And my first non-Magnet movie now as well)

Location:  All around town, baby.

Plot:  Danny Trejo stars as an old war vet who is basically a plain clothes super hero.   It’s like Kick-Ass but without the tights.   There is comedy, drama and most of all, ass kicking fun all around.

                My idea for a Danny Trejo movie, called “Mexicop”, saw him play a former criminal turned police officer, kind of like in a Snake Plisskan way but less futuristic.   This isn’t that far off from that idea because despite working with the cops there are times that his character certainly doesn’t seem to enjoy it.    Does this mean “Mexicop” would not work as a movie now?  No, it could definitely still work and be a different enough movie to stand on its own from this.   This movie is a bit different than what I had in mind for “Mexicop”, but still the closest thing to it so far.

Acting: Danny Trejo

Production:  Was this in theaters?  I don’t know.  Could it have been based on the production look of it?  Yes, yes it could have been.

Sex/Nudity:  Not so much, no.

Special Effects:  There aren’t really a lot, but there are some good fight scenes. 

Overall Verdict:  This movie comes down to one thing:  Time.  If you happen to have an hour and a half to kill and you like a good action movie with Danny Trejo, then do it up.   But don’t go too far out of your way to watch this one or feel like you’re missing something if you don’t see it.

A Reverse Horror Movie

Title:  Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  That one dude from the cancelled show Invasion who went on to also be in Reaper (He looks kind of like he could be Jack Black’s brother) stars in this with Alan Tudyk as the titular characters.   Everyone else… your guess is as good as mine.

Introduction:  This is the third movie in my Free Netflix Series.   Go back and read the review of Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie for more on that, as this is the last time I’ll say all that.

Location:  Would it be too cliché if I said this took place primarily in a cabin in the woods?

Plot: Tucker and Dale are two redneck guys who in any other movie would be chopping up preppy college kids into pieces their next of kin would never be able to find.   However, in this movie they’re just two innocent guys who end up falling victim to prejudice and unfortunate circumstances.  

                I will admit that the whole accidentally-dying-around-us part of this story was hard to swallow at times, but in some ways it did work to make this a sort of reverse horror movie.   It was interesting to see the two parties become threats to each other if only because one thought the other was trying to harm them with no substantial proof to back it up. 

                This movie might not teach you a grand moral lesson about accepting other peoples differences, but it is funny to see a college aged guy jump into a wood chipper. 

Acting:  The acting is pretty much good throughout, it’s just a few of the college type kids are bad actors.   But what can you expect from a horror movie?  If everyone was a great actor, it probably wouldn’t be as fulfilling to see them die.

Production:  Viva la Magnet Revolution!

Sex/Nudity:  Actually, I don’t think there really is, no.

Special Effects:  They take an occasional cop out every once in a while (like someone falling down a hole or dying off camera in general), but when they do show something it’s quite good.

Overall Verdict:  I will admit that I watched this movie over two different times.  I was intrigued enough by the general idea of it that I felt the need to finish it, but finishing it that day wasn’t really a huge priority.   It has that overall feel to it of something you’ve seen before but not quite.   It doesn’t make it anything new or innovative, but it also isn’t exactly like every horror movie you’ve seen before so it’s worth watching all the way through for sure.

I’m a Hockey Player (Put Me In Coach, Put Me In)

Title: Goon

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Sean William Scott stars in this movie along with Live Schriber and some other actors that I’m not completely sure about.

Introduction:  This is the second in a series of movies I am watching from Netflix (See: Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie Review) and it also should be noted that it is from the lovely people at Magnet.

Location:  Primarily the same small town turned Canada and then various hockey arenas and restaurants.   It definitely had a budget for location at least (or the permission of some kind Canadians)

Plot:  After thwarting a hockey player’s attempt to harm his brother, Sean William Scott’s character (his brother is played by Jay Baruchal, which is hilarious) gets offered a contract to play for a hockey team, which basically just wants to use him as an enforcer.   I’m not big into hockey.  I don’t know a lot about hockey (But I know enough).   But this concept seems pretty realistic to me.   You have a player, like say your Wayne Gretzky, who is just phenomenally good.   As an opposing team, you bring in a player simply to beat him up and take him out of the game—a player who can afford time in the penalty box.    Well, then of course, Gretzky’s team has to hire him a protector- a goon to take out the goon if you will.   

                This is all set with the background of a somewhat interesting family life that could have been explored more but wasn’t for whatever reason and a love interest who has a boyfriend but like the goon hockey player better.   It’s enough to at least not make you feel bored.

                Sean William Scott also has a rival goon in Live Schriber, who is kind of the guy hockey fans want to see fight, so they have a climactic fight scene at the end which is a sort of passing of the torch, if such a thing can exist in the most brutal portion of a sport that is on ice.

Acting:  Everyone does quite a good job, and the acting is one of the things that stands out the most here as just being perfectly executed.

Production:  This movie wasn’t in theaters but it still has a fresh look to it.   Think previous Magnet films and you’ll get the idea.

Sex/Nudity:  Surprisingly, not so much, no.

Special Effects:  The blood looks real.

Overall Verdict:  When you talk about traditional sports, I’ve always been most into baseball and basketball.   I’m not sure why, but that’s just the way it is.  I’ve always seen hockey as being like race car driving.   People who watch NASCAR sometimes are only waiting to see a cool crash (Which is not so cool for the drivers [Cole Trickle])   In this sense, I feel like people who watch hockey (Not all, but most) do it for the expected fighting.   This movie is kind of a glorification of that.  I’d be interested to see how an actual hockey fan felt about this movie, but I don’t know anyone actual hockey fans nor care that much to be bothered asking around.   I think this is one of those situations where if your stereotype of hockey fans is bloodthirsty hosers looking for blood, then this movie will only reinforce that idea.    While this may upset the actual hockey fans out there, The Rock did star in “The Tooth Fairy”.

Son of the Son of the Wolf Man

Title:  Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Tim and Eric, obviously, and then everyone from Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly to Jeff Goldblum and Will Forte. 

Introduction:  Upon moving from Houston, Texas back to Connecticut, I found myself staying at my sister-in-law’s house.   Here, there is a Wii and with that comes Netflix as well.   So while I’m technically not paying for the following movies- which I will refer to as my “Free Netflix Series”- someone is. 

Location:  All around a single town, but also primarily just inside a mall.  So it’s tricky.

Plot:  Tim and Eric receive a billion dollars to make a movie and then they blow it by making a relatively short, terrible movie with a Johnny Depp impersonator in it.   They spent all of their money getting douched out in Hollywood, so they have no real choice other than to try some miracle way to get the money back or be killed by the men that gave it to them.   Their solution:  To run a failing mall.

                This movie has a lot of little pieces in it that I won’t describe in full (Just watch the movie yourself), but I will tell you that it features John C. Reilly as one of the strangest characters I’ve ever seen.  In many ways, just seeing his character is worth it, although there are still many other fascinating developments throughout the film. 

Acting:  Even Chef Goldblum shines in this movie.

Production:  This is brought to us by the good people at Magnet and had a limited theater release.  I really enjoyed a lot of Magnet movies at one point (Hobo With a Shotgun, Rubber, 13 Assassins) and then I started feeling like they went downhill a little bit (Okay, so maybe Trollhunter wasn’t that bad after all).   But this is my new Magnet revolution.   Are you ready for it?

Sex/Nudity:  I feel like I got distracted during the only sex scene in this movie, but I’d have to watch it again to be certain.

Special Effects:  Just like their show, this movie gets CA-RAY-ZEEE!

Overall Verdict:  The bottom line with this movie is that it’s funny, but it’s also very strange in only the way that Tim and Eric can provide.   If you enjoyed their show, you will enjoy this movie.   If you hated their show, then fuck you.

He Can’t See… But He Can Kill

Title: Blind Fury

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie stars Rutger Hauer, and also features Terry O’Quinn and Brandon Call as the kid.   Yes, John Locke is the father of JT from Step by Step.   Wiggy. 

Introduction:  I actually found this movie on DVD at my local library.

Location:  They start with war, and then they go over a city area to escape the bad guys and then eventually track them down.   This may not have had a huge budget, but it had some.

Plot:  At the beginning of the movie, we see a bomb go off in a war and Rutger Hauer loses his sight.   Then, we fast forward to later back in the states and his good is in trouble with some bad guys over drugs.   Eventually, the kid gets kidnapped and they have to get him back.   The thing is, Rutger Hauer is a one man wrecking crew with a sword and even though he can’t see he still slices up guys like nobody’s business. 

Acting:  It’s on like Donkey Kong.

Production:  I’m not sure whether this was in theaters or not, but I’m inclined to say yes if I had to base it on overall quality. 

Sex/Nudity:  No, haha.

Special Effects:  When they are there, they are good for 1989. 

Overall Verdict:  There’s one rather funny moment in this movie when Rutger Hauer is driving and the guy next to him is like, “Are you blind??” and he’s like, “Yeah, what’s wrong with you??”   It’s funny because so many drivers who aren’t blind are still terrible at driving for some reason.    This is still a solid movie, as I watched it and really enjoyed it more than I thought I would.   If you haven’t already, you should see it. 

The Prequel to I Am Number Five

Title: I Am Number Four

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  The kid from Beastly mixed with Tomothy Olyphant.  

Introduction:  I’m not sure whether or not I’ve reviewed this before (It feels kind of like I have), but here we go again anyway.   If this is in any way similar to my other review I apologize because, well, I review so much stuff I tend to forget.   I know that I started watching this movie before—and I might have made a review based on that—but I’m not 100% certain that I did a review, so either enjoy or enjoy again depending upon my selective memory.

Location:  This takes place in primarily the same town, but it has some special effects that imply it had a budget.   Not a B movie, which could have made it so much better.    We’ll get to that later though.

Plot:   A kid named John Smith is number four and numbers one through three have been killed.   He is being hidden from aliens who want him dead for reasons I never fully understood.   In the end, rather than be killed by the aliens John stays and fights them and I think he wins but I really don’t care.   This movie is a sort of generic alien in high school movie and if you wanted to see a much better version of what they were going for (Only in reverse) then just watch The Faculty.

Acting:  Somewhere between Twilight and Sucker Punch.

Production:  This was in theaters, yeah.

Sex/Nudity:  Doubtful.

Special Effects:  There are a lot and they are quite funny.  

Overall Verdict:  At one point, John Smith begins lighting up in class.   When his classmate friend asks him about it, he just says it’s a trick he did with flashlights because class is boring.  This got me to thinking… What if this was a B movie and you could see wires when guys flew through the air?  What if his hands really did light up with flashlights?   What if he stuck a flashlight in his shirt and that’s how he made the glowing effect?   That is something I actually wouldn’t mind seeing—that version of the movie.