Danny Trejo Auditions for “Mexicop”

Title: Bad Ass

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie is all about Danny Trejo and is not too far off from the movie I’d like to see Trejo star in (as directed by Robert Rodriguez) called “Mexicop”.

Introduction: Free Netflix Series #4 (And my first non-Magnet movie now as well)

Location:  All around town, baby.

Plot:  Danny Trejo stars as an old war vet who is basically a plain clothes super hero.   It’s like Kick-Ass but without the tights.   There is comedy, drama and most of all, ass kicking fun all around.

                My idea for a Danny Trejo movie, called “Mexicop”, saw him play a former criminal turned police officer, kind of like in a Snake Plisskan way but less futuristic.   This isn’t that far off from that idea because despite working with the cops there are times that his character certainly doesn’t seem to enjoy it.    Does this mean “Mexicop” would not work as a movie now?  No, it could definitely still work and be a different enough movie to stand on its own from this.   This movie is a bit different than what I had in mind for “Mexicop”, but still the closest thing to it so far.

Acting: Danny Trejo

Production:  Was this in theaters?  I don’t know.  Could it have been based on the production look of it?  Yes, yes it could have been.

Sex/Nudity:  Not so much, no.

Special Effects:  There aren’t really a lot, but there are some good fight scenes. 

Overall Verdict:  This movie comes down to one thing:  Time.  If you happen to have an hour and a half to kill and you like a good action movie with Danny Trejo, then do it up.   But don’t go too far out of your way to watch this one or feel like you’re missing something if you don’t see it.

A Reverse Horror Movie

Title:  Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  That one dude from the cancelled show Invasion who went on to also be in Reaper (He looks kind of like he could be Jack Black’s brother) stars in this with Alan Tudyk as the titular characters.   Everyone else… your guess is as good as mine.

Introduction:  This is the third movie in my Free Netflix Series.   Go back and read the review of Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie for more on that, as this is the last time I’ll say all that.

Location:  Would it be too cliché if I said this took place primarily in a cabin in the woods?

Plot: Tucker and Dale are two redneck guys who in any other movie would be chopping up preppy college kids into pieces their next of kin would never be able to find.   However, in this movie they’re just two innocent guys who end up falling victim to prejudice and unfortunate circumstances.  

                I will admit that the whole accidentally-dying-around-us part of this story was hard to swallow at times, but in some ways it did work to make this a sort of reverse horror movie.   It was interesting to see the two parties become threats to each other if only because one thought the other was trying to harm them with no substantial proof to back it up. 

                This movie might not teach you a grand moral lesson about accepting other peoples differences, but it is funny to see a college aged guy jump into a wood chipper. 

Acting:  The acting is pretty much good throughout, it’s just a few of the college type kids are bad actors.   But what can you expect from a horror movie?  If everyone was a great actor, it probably wouldn’t be as fulfilling to see them die.

Production:  Viva la Magnet Revolution!

Sex/Nudity:  Actually, I don’t think there really is, no.

Special Effects:  They take an occasional cop out every once in a while (like someone falling down a hole or dying off camera in general), but when they do show something it’s quite good.

Overall Verdict:  I will admit that I watched this movie over two different times.  I was intrigued enough by the general idea of it that I felt the need to finish it, but finishing it that day wasn’t really a huge priority.   It has that overall feel to it of something you’ve seen before but not quite.   It doesn’t make it anything new or innovative, but it also isn’t exactly like every horror movie you’ve seen before so it’s worth watching all the way through for sure.

I’m a Hockey Player (Put Me In Coach, Put Me In)

Title: Goon

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Sean William Scott stars in this movie along with Live Schriber and some other actors that I’m not completely sure about.

Introduction:  This is the second in a series of movies I am watching from Netflix (See: Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie Review) and it also should be noted that it is from the lovely people at Magnet.

Location:  Primarily the same small town turned Canada and then various hockey arenas and restaurants.   It definitely had a budget for location at least (or the permission of some kind Canadians)

Plot:  After thwarting a hockey player’s attempt to harm his brother, Sean William Scott’s character (his brother is played by Jay Baruchal, which is hilarious) gets offered a contract to play for a hockey team, which basically just wants to use him as an enforcer.   I’m not big into hockey.  I don’t know a lot about hockey (But I know enough).   But this concept seems pretty realistic to me.   You have a player, like say your Wayne Gretzky, who is just phenomenally good.   As an opposing team, you bring in a player simply to beat him up and take him out of the game—a player who can afford time in the penalty box.    Well, then of course, Gretzky’s team has to hire him a protector- a goon to take out the goon if you will.   

                This is all set with the background of a somewhat interesting family life that could have been explored more but wasn’t for whatever reason and a love interest who has a boyfriend but like the goon hockey player better.   It’s enough to at least not make you feel bored.

                Sean William Scott also has a rival goon in Live Schriber, who is kind of the guy hockey fans want to see fight, so they have a climactic fight scene at the end which is a sort of passing of the torch, if such a thing can exist in the most brutal portion of a sport that is on ice.

Acting:  Everyone does quite a good job, and the acting is one of the things that stands out the most here as just being perfectly executed.

Production:  This movie wasn’t in theaters but it still has a fresh look to it.   Think previous Magnet films and you’ll get the idea.

Sex/Nudity:  Surprisingly, not so much, no.

Special Effects:  The blood looks real.

Overall Verdict:  When you talk about traditional sports, I’ve always been most into baseball and basketball.   I’m not sure why, but that’s just the way it is.  I’ve always seen hockey as being like race car driving.   People who watch NASCAR sometimes are only waiting to see a cool crash (Which is not so cool for the drivers [Cole Trickle])   In this sense, I feel like people who watch hockey (Not all, but most) do it for the expected fighting.   This movie is kind of a glorification of that.  I’d be interested to see how an actual hockey fan felt about this movie, but I don’t know anyone actual hockey fans nor care that much to be bothered asking around.   I think this is one of those situations where if your stereotype of hockey fans is bloodthirsty hosers looking for blood, then this movie will only reinforce that idea.    While this may upset the actual hockey fans out there, The Rock did star in “The Tooth Fairy”.

Son of the Son of the Wolf Man

Title:  Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Tim and Eric, obviously, and then everyone from Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly to Jeff Goldblum and Will Forte. 

Introduction:  Upon moving from Houston, Texas back to Connecticut, I found myself staying at my sister-in-law’s house.   Here, there is a Wii and with that comes Netflix as well.   So while I’m technically not paying for the following movies- which I will refer to as my “Free Netflix Series”- someone is. 

Location:  All around a single town, but also primarily just inside a mall.  So it’s tricky.

Plot:  Tim and Eric receive a billion dollars to make a movie and then they blow it by making a relatively short, terrible movie with a Johnny Depp impersonator in it.   They spent all of their money getting douched out in Hollywood, so they have no real choice other than to try some miracle way to get the money back or be killed by the men that gave it to them.   Their solution:  To run a failing mall.

                This movie has a lot of little pieces in it that I won’t describe in full (Just watch the movie yourself), but I will tell you that it features John C. Reilly as one of the strangest characters I’ve ever seen.  In many ways, just seeing his character is worth it, although there are still many other fascinating developments throughout the film. 

Acting:  Even Chef Goldblum shines in this movie.

Production:  This is brought to us by the good people at Magnet and had a limited theater release.  I really enjoyed a lot of Magnet movies at one point (Hobo With a Shotgun, Rubber, 13 Assassins) and then I started feeling like they went downhill a little bit (Okay, so maybe Trollhunter wasn’t that bad after all).   But this is my new Magnet revolution.   Are you ready for it?

Sex/Nudity:  I feel like I got distracted during the only sex scene in this movie, but I’d have to watch it again to be certain.

Special Effects:  Just like their show, this movie gets CA-RAY-ZEEE!

Overall Verdict:  The bottom line with this movie is that it’s funny, but it’s also very strange in only the way that Tim and Eric can provide.   If you enjoyed their show, you will enjoy this movie.   If you hated their show, then fuck you.

He Can’t See… But He Can Kill

Title: Blind Fury

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie stars Rutger Hauer, and also features Terry O’Quinn and Brandon Call as the kid.   Yes, John Locke is the father of JT from Step by Step.   Wiggy. 

Introduction:  I actually found this movie on DVD at my local library.

Location:  They start with war, and then they go over a city area to escape the bad guys and then eventually track them down.   This may not have had a huge budget, but it had some.

Plot:  At the beginning of the movie, we see a bomb go off in a war and Rutger Hauer loses his sight.   Then, we fast forward to later back in the states and his good is in trouble with some bad guys over drugs.   Eventually, the kid gets kidnapped and they have to get him back.   The thing is, Rutger Hauer is a one man wrecking crew with a sword and even though he can’t see he still slices up guys like nobody’s business. 

Acting:  It’s on like Donkey Kong.

Production:  I’m not sure whether this was in theaters or not, but I’m inclined to say yes if I had to base it on overall quality. 

Sex/Nudity:  No, haha.

Special Effects:  When they are there, they are good for 1989. 

Overall Verdict:  There’s one rather funny moment in this movie when Rutger Hauer is driving and the guy next to him is like, “Are you blind??” and he’s like, “Yeah, what’s wrong with you??”   It’s funny because so many drivers who aren’t blind are still terrible at driving for some reason.    This is still a solid movie, as I watched it and really enjoyed it more than I thought I would.   If you haven’t already, you should see it. 

The Prequel to I Am Number Five

Title: I Am Number Four

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  The kid from Beastly mixed with Tomothy Olyphant.  

Introduction:  I’m not sure whether or not I’ve reviewed this before (It feels kind of like I have), but here we go again anyway.   If this is in any way similar to my other review I apologize because, well, I review so much stuff I tend to forget.   I know that I started watching this movie before—and I might have made a review based on that—but I’m not 100% certain that I did a review, so either enjoy or enjoy again depending upon my selective memory.

Location:  This takes place in primarily the same town, but it has some special effects that imply it had a budget.   Not a B movie, which could have made it so much better.    We’ll get to that later though.

Plot:   A kid named John Smith is number four and numbers one through three have been killed.   He is being hidden from aliens who want him dead for reasons I never fully understood.   In the end, rather than be killed by the aliens John stays and fights them and I think he wins but I really don’t care.   This movie is a sort of generic alien in high school movie and if you wanted to see a much better version of what they were going for (Only in reverse) then just watch The Faculty.

Acting:  Somewhere between Twilight and Sucker Punch.

Production:  This was in theaters, yeah.

Sex/Nudity:  Doubtful.

Special Effects:  There are a lot and they are quite funny.  

Overall Verdict:  At one point, John Smith begins lighting up in class.   When his classmate friend asks him about it, he just says it’s a trick he did with flashlights because class is boring.  This got me to thinking… What if this was a B movie and you could see wires when guys flew through the air?  What if his hands really did light up with flashlights?   What if he stuck a flashlight in his shirt and that’s how he made the glowing effect?   That is something I actually wouldn’t mind seeing—that version of the movie. 

My Teacher is a Robot

Title:  Class of 1999

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Though not in a very prominent role, Malcolm McDowell is in this movie.   Stacy Keach is also in here with a crazy little white rat tail.

Introduction:  I bought this on VHS for an undisclosed amount, as it is one of those rare movies.

Location:  This movie starts in a sort of prison, and they go to other various places throughout the city, but it is primarily set in a school.    I’d say that about 78% of this movie, if not more, is filmed within the school.

Plot:  It’s 1999 (Oh no!) and for some reason everyone is carrying guns and trying to kill each other.    It’s like Mad Max only in a school.   So, obviously, the teachers are robots that have advanced programming and begin to take on a mind of their own, by killing the students.    I kid you not, in one scene the teacherbot breaks up a fight and takes the two kids involved and spanks them.    And I thought Catholic school was hard.

                This boils down to the basic fight of man vs. machine and let me tell you, these kids go through a lot to try and stop their teachers.    Had they just called me, I would’ve told them to just get a giant magnet and make those teacherbots sing country.

Acting:  The main kid reminds me of Corey Feldman.   I think that pretty much explains it all.

Production:  This movie is set in 1999 (the future), though it was actually filmed in 1989.   It looks like 1989 in every aspect of it.

Sex/Nudity:  No, thankfully.   Too many robots killing humans.

Special Effects:  The robots have this vision thing that reminds me of the Terminator, but the models themselves look like they were left over from the T2 set.   So let’s just agree that this movie was made because T2 had some extra props lying around and they didn’t want them to go to waste.

Overall Verdict:  If this movie wanted to be taken seriously at all, it wouldn’t have had the spanking scene.   Granted, that unintentionally funny scene made it all the more shocking when the teacherbot would later snap a kid’s neck.    Ultimately, plot aside, you have to love this movie simply because it is set in a future that has already happened.    I like seeing movies from the 1980’s that tell you “This is what the future is going to look like”, but then we’ve already lived through it so the answer is obviously no.    These types of things simply did not happen in 1999.   However, people were panicked in 1999 about the impending doom of Y2K.    Remember that?   Perhaps that could be the sequel to this that never got made until now.   Class of 1999 Part 2:  The Revenge of Y2K.   I like it.   Someone make it.

When Owls Say More than “Who”

Title: Legend of the Guardians

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away: This is, up until now, the only Zach Snyder movie I had not seen.   There are some pretty noteworthy voices in here as well, but try not to think about them that way and just get lost in the moment.

Introduction:  I got this movie on DVD, for free, from my local library.

Location:  This is animated, so it’s not really relevant here.

Plot:  Some owls fall out of their nest and are about to be eaten, but then they are saved by bigger owls that sort of bring them into a life of slavery.    Our two main owls go on a quest to find the Guardians and along the way, they become heroes themselves.

                This is based on a book, which I haven’t read, so it probably get a lot of its story ideas from there.

Acting:  The owls sound right on and let me say that usually in voice over movies there is a character or two who really stands out where you just can’t buy into him being anyone other than who he is in real life, but this isn’t the case here.    Everyone uses their voices appropriately because I never stop seeing the owls as who they are supposed to be instead of going, “He sounds like that guy from The Matrix”.

Production:  This was a seemingly big budget movie that was in theaters and all, yes.

Sex/Nudity:  No, haha.   This is still somewhat of a kids’ movie.

Special Effects:  The owls in this look real enough to eat.

Overall Verdict:  Gina said she felt that this was too dark to be a kids’ movie, but I reminded her that she is a big fan of Harry Potter.   I really did enjoy this movie but maybe it’s just because I like owls.    Added bonus:  There are songs in here (or at least one played more than once) by Owl City.    Makes sense, right?

She’s the Titular Character

Title:  Hanna

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  I’m not entirely sure whether I’ve reviewed this movie before or not.   I tried to watch it once before and only made it halfway through, so I might have given it an inaccurate write-off review.   I am here to correct that now by giving it a proper write-off review.

Introduction:  Once again, I got this movie on DVD from the library for free.

Location:  They go to a bunch of places with a bunch of climates, so yeah, I’d say that they had a budget.

Plot:  Hanna is a young girl who grows up in isolation because, as it clearly explained to us in the beginning of the movie, if she is revealed she will be hunted until either her or her hunter is dead.   Her hunter is played by Cate Blanchett.    Of course Hanna goes out into the world and gets hunted.    So it becomes this cat and mouse game where you know one of them will not be alive by the end and, well, you can guess which one lives and which one dies.   Movies aren’t named after losers.   Well, except for “The Losers”, but that’s different. 

Acting:  Aside from the woman who once portrayed Bob Dylan, we also have Eric Bana and, yes, that girl from “The Lovely Bones”.   For what it is, the acting is convincing.    There are seemingly a handful of pale blonde actresses that could have been the lead.   What about that one from Arrested Development, Archer and Love & Other Drugs?   Or Gwen Stacy in Spider-Man 3?   Or was that the same actress?  I don’t know, pale blondes are a dime a dozen in Hollywood.

Production:  It was a big budget motion picture, yes.

Sex/Nudity:   Not really, no.  Too much action, but not that kind of action.

Special Effects:  They are good for what they are, but more on that below.

Overall Verdict:  It’s funny that this movie stars the same young actress who was in “The Lovely Bones”.   Why, you ask?   Simply because this movie was to me what I felt after watching “The Lovely Bones”.    This movie had a fairly simple, typical plot that you could see coming from miles away if you’ve ever seen movies before this.    However, the big claim to this movie (as with “The Lovely Bones”) must be the visuals of it.   It is pleasing to the eyes, even if not the mind.   For that, yes, it is good, but why can’t we have a visual spectacle and a movie with a plot that makes you think?   I guess Hollywood just thinks audience are too dumb or suffer from a.d.d. to the point where they cannot have both.   I find that to be false, but my opinion doesn’t seem to matter when it comes to big budget movies like this one.

“Sometimes I Think About Finding a New Alien Species… and Then f#$% it” - jay

Title:  Splice

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie has Adrien Brody, who I’m coming to like less with each movie I see him stumble through, and Sarah Polley in it.

Introduction:  I got this movie from the library on DVD for free.

Location:  It mostly takes place in a science research lab and an old barn, but there are a few other settings and a presumably large budget.

Plot:  A married research scientist team accidentally creates a sort of human sort of gargoyle type creature and then it turns into a giant mess as you’d expect but these people were kind of too dumb to do anything about beforehand.

Acting:  The acting is what you’d expect it to be, which is neither really that great nor awful.

Production:  It was in theaters and it shows.

Sex/Nudity:  Yes.  The main couple has a sex scene early on, and later in the movie Adrien Brody’s character has pretty graphic sex with this alien hybrid thing.  It’s just all sorts of wrong and whoever came up with it should be charged criminally.

Special Effects:  See above.

Overall Verdict:   While my overall distaste for this movie stands, here is my biggest gripe with it.   The main character played by Sarah Polley is kind of the one to kind of hide and keep this weird creature at first, right?  At first, Adrien Brody’s character is resistant to it and he seems like he wants to kill it.   But when you get to the end of the movie, who is left alive?   Sarah Polley and no one else.   Her boss, her husband, her brother-in-law and even her precious pet she seemed to think was a child are all dead because of her.    So it really does bother me that this all seems to be her doing and not only does she not really suffer any repercussions from this (Given everyone else died, I’d say she got off light) but she also ends up being impregnated by this alien gargoyle thing and is given a large sum of cash to have the baby and keep her mouth shut.   So I guess if someone you know ever ends up in a similar situation, be sure to report them right away and if necessary kill them even because under these circumstances it is obviously either them or you.   Adrien Brody kept his mouth shut, and sure he got some dirty alien sex, but then he also got killed, so you know, make your choices wisely scientists.