The Bunny Already Told You… (28)

Top 30 Greatest Movies of All-Time # 28

Title:  Donnie Darko

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Jake Gilligansisland is in this along with his sister, the voice of Lilo from Lilo and Stitch, Patrick Swayze, Drew Barrymore, the singer from Phantom Planet, Seth Rogen and far too many others.   Oh yeah, Jena Malone too.  It also directed by the awesome Richard Kelly.

Introduction:    Honestly, I believe I saw this movie because I read about the cast on iMDB.  It was something where I was looking up someone, let’s say Seth Rogen since I loved him from Freaks and Geeks, and then I clicked on Donnie Darko to see what it meant, saw the rest of the cast and was like, “I need to see this!”   I don’t remember if it came on a premium channel or if I had to actually get it as a rental, but yeah, I watched it before it became a huge craze, but not too long before.

Location:  All over a town, so they had a good budget but not necessarily a huge one.

Plot:  So for whatever reason I “like” Pee Wee Herman on Facebook.   At one point, Pee Wee posted a picture of himself with one Jake Gilligansisland, the star of this fine film.   Someone- I kid you not- actually posted and said something like, “Hey Pee Wee, ask him what was up with Donnie Darko.  That movie confused me!!”    Okay, first off… If you’re going to ask the ACTOR what the movie means, you’re probably too dumb to understand it even if he did explain it to you.  Why not ask Richard Kelly, the writer/director?  He could probably explain it better.   Nonetheless, here stands Donnie Darko explained.   Ready?  All right. 

                The movie starts when a satellite falls from space and is supposed to kill the title character but does not.   All the while, in the background of this movie, Donnie himself is learning about time travel.   Then, as the bunny said would happen, Donnie’s girlfriend is dead when she gets hit by a car near the end.   So what does Donnie Darko do?  He uses his newfound powers of time travel to go back in time and stay in bed, thus having the satellite crush and kill him instead.  This means that Donnie never meets the girl, and then she never has to die by getting hit by a car.  See?  Donnie goes back in time and sacrifices himself to save Jena Malone’s life.    The whole thing is really just a matter of “If I could just go back in time and let that satellite kill me none of this would have ever happened!! … Wait, I can!”

Acting:   Good for who is in it.

Production:  Umm, yeah, if you’re going to have a ridiculous name like Gilligansisland and keep it when going into show business, I’m going to make fun of it.   I refuse to take the time to learn how to spell or pronounce it.   You want to be famous?   Change your name to Jake Gilly or something equally as easy to remember/pronounce.  

Sex/Nudity:  I’m going to have to say no, but that’s not why this movie isn’t for kids.

Special Effects:  I know this has become kind of a cult movie for Hot Topic kids now, but I really did like it first.   So, suck it, nerds!!

Overall Verdict:  I like all of Richard Kelly’s movies and I really see this more as a gateway movie that got me into The Box and Southland Tales more than the actual movie itself being high on my list (Though don’t get me wrong, I still like the movie)  It’s also, obviously, one of those movies you need to watch several times to fully understand, but that’s just another thing that I like about it.

The List Thus Far:

(28) Donnie Darko

(29) Demolition Man

(30) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

First Ever Product Placement? (29)

Top 30 Greatest Movies of All-Time # 29

Title:  Demolition Man

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes (looking like Dennis Rodman), Dennis Leary and, yes, even Sandra Bullock are in this movie.

Introduction:  I don’t remember how I first stumbled across this movie, but being an action movie and I was once a teenage male, well, do the math, right?

Location:  All over a futuristic city and underground in the sewers.   (Yes, big budget movie)

Plot:  Basically, a prisoner is frozen (don’t ask me why) and somehow manages to escape in the future when everything is peaceful and there isn’t even petty theft anymore.   So they do the most logical thing—thaw out a cop from the past who once tangled with this notorious bad guy.  If you were there, you would have done the same.   Sure, the plot is heavy on the explosions and less on the actual thought out consistencies, but what I like most about this movie to this day (quite possibly) is the product placement.   This is the first time that I can ever remember seeing a movie where a product was so blatantly placed into it, but not too obviously (ala Wayne’s World, where they sort of mocked it themselves)  No, it’s funny to see how Taco Bell mixes into this movie and also to ponder if maybe someone out there either just loves Taco Bell this much or if they wanted the money that badly.    In any event, here is my reenactment of how I believe that meeting went down (a DVD bonus feature I would LOVE to see)

Big Executive Producer Guy:  This script is terrible.  We know more action.  Blow more shit up.

Writer:  It’s not in the budget, you said so yourself.   That’s why we wrote it this way—

Big Executive Producer Guy:  Shut up.  I don’t want to hear your excuses.   We need money and we need it fast.   But how do we get the money…

(unknown): We could ask Mr. Stallone?

Big Executive Producer Guy:  Not again.  We already owe Rambo too much.

(another unknown voice):  How about Mr. Snipes?

Big Executive Producer Guy:   No.  No more actors.  Besides, I’m pretty sure that guy doesn’t pay his taxes.

(Big Executive Producer Guy hears a crunching sound, then looks around the room until he finds the source of noise)

Big Executive Producer Guy:   You- intern.  What are you eating there?

Intern:  Taco Bell.

Big Executive Producer Guy:  Hmm…  That’s it!   Janet, get me that Chihuahua on the phone!

Acting:  Hey, yo, he’s Sly, you know what I mean?   Everyone in this movie is such a stereotype of themselves it’s not even funny.   Right down to the Dennis Leary rants we once heard on Mtv.

Production:   It has good effects for its time.   Though Taco Bell has affordable prices for any income bracket, they sure must have put more than eighty nine cents into this picture.

Sex/Nudity:  There is this one awkward sex scene that looks like virtual reality.   It seems like it was awkward not just for the actors to do, but for everyone in the room.  How it didn’t get cut, and why they felt so determined to show us there is no human contact in the future is beyond me.

Special Effects:   How do you use the shells??

Overall Verdict:   Though by far not one of the best movies ever made, it still is one of my favorites just because of the number of times that I’ve seen it and because it reminds me of the simple pleasures in life- like soft tacos.

The List Thus Far:

(29) Demolition Man

(30) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

The Greatest Tunnel Scene Ever (30)

Top 30 Greatest Movies of All-Time # 30

Title:  Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Gene Wilder gives the performance of a lifetime.

Introduction:   I honestly cannot remember the first time that I saw this movie.  I doubt it was in theaters, but I know it was probably on television, just not on video.   My parents and sisters probably watched it with me because it was deemed a “family film”, and in some ways is.    It wasn’t until I read an interview in some rock magazine with Marilyn Manson that I realized just how evil this movie is.

Location:  Primarily it takes place inside said chocolate factory, though it is in itself very elaborate, so yes, they had a good budget.

Plot:  Willy Wonka, who has never opened his doors to the public before, is packing random golden tickets in his candy so that he can secretly audition an heir to his throne since he’s a eunuch or something.  I’m sure that everyone knows the plot to this movie, whether they’ve seen it before or not, but can I just say that if you look for the evil, it is there.  The whole thing starts on the announcement of the golden tickets.   Sure, going to the factory and all for the tour would be great, but should young Charlie be spending any spare money he finds selfishly on candy for himself instead of to help feed his sick family?  And as you can see the pandemonium ensue when the golden tickets are announced, this is also a great exploitation of consumers.  Imagine if an actual company did this (Let’s say Hershey, even though you can already tour their company)—the sales would be crazy.   And what you’re essentially saying is “Only a handful of people will win, but millions are going to buy millions of candy bars any way”.   It’s mad genius, but it also has some undertones of evil, does it not?   Then there is the whole tricking of the kids and the deceit the entire time they are in the chocolate factory, right down until the final scenes.

Acting:  This is quite possibly the best role that Gene Wilder ever played because here he is as this pure, clean guy that is friendly to kids (like Ronald McDonald), while in reality he is two faced and has ulterior motives (like Grimace).   The whole atmosphere is so bright and colorful, and he puts on this very great persona of “I’m smiling to your face but stabbing you in the back” whilst singing a song.   It’s an awesome contrast, and just perhaps one of the most complex characters in all of cinema ever.   And Wilder plays it to a tee.

Production:  It looks awesome, even by today’s standards.

Sex/Nudity:  No, thank goodness.

Special Effects:  The tunnel ride… STILL.  SCARES.  ME.

Overall Verdict:   If you want to get really deep and wax philosophical on this movie, one could argue its resemblance to God and even the Garden of Eden.  All of the temptations, traps, set ups, backstabbing, weeding out the true evil to expose the true good—and all done in the backset of what could be mistaken for The Sound of Music on LSD.   Yes, this is a great movie and one I never tire of watching.

The List Thus Far:

(30) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Quitting After One More Last One

Title:  The Last Exorcism

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  The guy who played Jeremiah Latsky on Saved by the Bell: The College Years is the main character in this movie.   He was also on Veronica Mars briefly.

Introduction:   I got this from the library FOR FREE.

Location:   Primarily in one house, but not really a phonebooth movie.

Plot:  A preacher, his lady friend and a camera man embark on a mission to give some girl an exorcism.  This preacher man has been doing these fake exorcisms for years, making a lot of money in the process.  He intends for this to be his last one, so in doing so he decides to expose how it is all done.   After his dog and pony show, the girl he supposedly exorcised shows up at his motel in the middle of the night and is apparently really possessed by a demon.  Now he must do the one thing he always claimed he could do but was really just faking.  It’s an intriguing and interesting twist on a plot that I’ve otherwise grown tired of already.

Acting:   It’s good.   They look into the camera a lot (see below), so it’s like they’re not really acting but kind of are, so it works.

Production:  This is all shot like a documentary, so it’s kind of a step above Quarantine and definitely nowhere near as bad as Blair Witch.   It just annoys me that they couldn’t have told this story without the preacher man constantly talking into the camera.

Sex/Nudity:  No, she’s a little girl!

Special Effects:   What’s funny is the preacher man reveals how he creates the effects that make you think the exorcism is real.   It’s pretty fun stuff.

Overall Verdict:  The Exorcist aside, the only movies I remember seeing recently about exorcisms are An American Haunting and The Exorcism of Emily Rose.   In my opinion, this movie blows both of those away.   I wasn’t expecting much going into it (until I saw Eli Roth with a producer credit), but it was quite interesting.   At one point the preacher man discusses how if you believe in God and the Bible, then you have to believe in demons.   It’s so true, yet so many religious freaks despise these movies and condemn them.   I definitely recommend this one.

My What Big Teeth You Have

Title:  The Company of Wolves

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Angela Lansbury is in this, in the granny sort of role.   No joke.

Introduction:   I got this one from Netflix on the recommendation of Grindhouse Horror (check ‘em out on Facebook)

Location:  It has that Sleepy Hollow/From Hell feel to it, but mixed with a Grimm fairy tale.

Plot:  This is based on a short story, but it is retelling of sorts of the classic Little Red Riding Hood.   Only it is definitely not for kids.

Acting:  It’s all British.

Production:  1984.

Sex/Nudity:  No, not really.

Special Effects:   They’re really good for their time.   The thing with the wolves in this movie is that they’re werewolves, so seeing the transformation is a sticky and hairy mess.   But it comes out looking great.

Overall Verdict:  This is a good, scary way to watch Little Red Riding Hood.  I can’t say a lot about it (and really haven’t) because it’s something you just have to experience for yourself.

Who Brings a Samurai Sword to a Gunfight?

Title:  Sukiyaki Western Django

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Takashi Miike, Quentin Tarantino.

Introduction:  I first got this movie from my local library—for FREE—because it came up in search results when I was browsing for Quentin Tarantino.    I would later buy this movie as part of a sale from Games Plus.

Location:   The old west in Japan.

Plot:  What is every great cowboy movie about?  Money and the girl.   There are two rival gangs and one lone guy stuck in between them.   This is a bloodbath.   A Japanese western bloodbath.

Acting:  It’s sort of in English, but still really cool.  Quentin Tarantino sounds funny for some reason.

Production:   If it wasn’t in theaters it could’ve been.

Sex/Nudity:  Some “movie sex” but no nudity.

Special Effects:  Near the end it starts snowing.   The contrast of the pure white mixed with the red bloodshed is a sight to be seen.

Overall Verdict:   If you like western movies, you’ll like this movie.   I’m not a big fan of western movies, but I still managed to enjoy this for several reasons.  First off, the Japanese factor.   There is a guy with a samurai sword which he uses to deflect bullets.  You have to admit, that’s pretty cool.   Also, if you replaced some of the actors with Quentin Tarantino’s usual suspects, this could easily pass as a QT movie.    When I think of westerns, I think of people being shot and falling off of rooftops—no real bloodshed shown.   But this movie is bloody.   Not as bad as when you see a guy’s face slide across the floor in Ichi the Killer, but still above 3:10 to Yuma.    Instead of a spaghetti western, would anyone be offended if I called this a ramen western?

I Got This Killer Up Inside of Me

Title:  Ichi the Killer

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Takashi Miike

Introduction:  I got this from Netflix.   I’m kind of on a Miike kick.

Location:  All over a great city of killing.

Plot:  Ichi is, well, a killer and he goes around killing mostly bad guys because it gets him off.   It’s a classic case of superhero who is really a serial killer mentality type of thing.   I don’t know.  Lots of people die very bloody deaths, what more do you want?

Acting:  This is dubbed, but it’s still got good acting.   Funny thing too, everyone is dubbed with British accents.   You know no matter how bad an actor is, if he has a British accent he sounds good.   Except for Hugh Grant.

Production:  It was in movies and looks as such.

Sex/Nudity:  There aren’t really nude scenes, per se, but there are what we like to refer to as movie sex scenes.   So this one guy, he rapes this girl (she’s a prostitute he likes to beat up for fun), and Ichi slices him open from the top of his head to his crotch.   I mean, if I have to see an awful rape scene, that better be the result.

Special Effects:  They look realistic without being too realistic or over the top.   Quentin Tarantino would be proud.

Overall Verdict:    This movie is based on a manga which I now want to read.   It also has been said that at two different premieres, barf bags with the movie logo were distributed for viewers.    I really, really want one of those barf bags.   So far eBay has been no help, so if you know someone, shoot me an email.

Zombie Children in the Woods

Title:  Wicked LittleThings

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This is one of the 8 Films to Die For, otherwise you probably have no real connection with it.

Introduction:   It was one of the few movies in the 8F2D4 series that I was actually able to buy at Games Plus as part of a sale.  Well, that was the first Games Plus at least.  When I went to the second Games Plus none of the 8F2D4 movies were in their cases, which really upset me.   And the blonde girl who appeared to be the manager could only offer up: “Fanboys was a funny movie”.   Yeah, I know it was funny; that’s why I’m buying it.  You know what movie I don’t know about though?   The four that I can’t buy because either a) Someone stole them in your small ass store (not likely) or b) When you bought them you didn’t check to make sure they were in the cases and now I’m the one left holding the bag for YOUR MISTAKE.    I know they can’t make the discs magically appear out of nowhere, but that was still some of the worst customer service I ever encountered.   Games Plus on 249 would’ve handled it better.  So if you go to the Games Plus in the Woodlands, SLAP THEM FOR ME.

Location:  Primarily in the woods and old house up in the same woods.

Plot:  A family- mother and two daughters- inherit a house when their husband/father dies somehow, so they decide to go live there sight unseen and, you know, before even having it checked out by a professional.   As it turns out, some bad voodoo went down in those woods once and now these zombie children are out to kill anyone who trespasses on their land.   One guy knows about it and warns them, the other guy is an evil developer who just wants them out… Ahh, it’s the classic tale with zombies thrown in.   It comes across quite well, if only cliché at times.

Acting:  I don’t know who any of these actors were, but if they’re in other movies I’d be surprised.

Production:  It looked decent.

Sex/Nudity:  No, not really.

Special Effects:  The zombie kids looked cool.

Overall Verdict:  There’s this one scene where the family is being chased by the zombies and they all bunker down in a house.   As they talk about the people who have already been killed, the oldest daughter says something like, “They killed three of my friends”… Yet, those are her only three friends we ever see in the movie.   I so wish they’d show this in theaters just so I could yell out: “Yeah!  Your three ONLY friends!  BURN!!”    Otherwise, yeah, this is unintentionally funny but still good to watch.   Not hugely scary, but better than most.

My Next Role Will Be… MURDER!!

Title:  Audition

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Takashi Miike directs.

Introduction:  I got this from Netflix, but will buy it should the opportunity arise.

Location:  Throughout a city, but mainly in one apartment.

Plot:  A widowed man, who is in the film industry, decides with the help of his son and friend/co-worker to get a new wife by auditioning them as if it was for a movie role.   Only it turns out that the girl he seeks ends up being a bit crazier than him and, well, she sets out to torture and kill him.  It’s your pretty basic plot and number one reason why I never went on a blind date.

Acting:  It’s subtitled in Japanese, but I’m guessing it’s good acting all around.

Production:  I believe this was in theaters, right?  If it wasn’t banned for being too controversial I think that it was. 

Sex/Nudity:  There is some “movie style sex”, but it’s only to enhance the plot.   Once they have done it, now she must kill him.

Special Effects:  One scene, a guy has no tongue, no feet and, well, yeah, let’s just say that as disgusting as this all looks and sounds, it’s still very realistic also.   Not too over the top, not too cheesy, the effects are just right.

Overall Verdict:  I’ve read both sides of arguments for this movie.   Eli Roth and Rob Zombie have both stated that the torture scene is one of the hardest scenes they’ve ever had to sit through in a movie.   The opposite side of the coin makes you wonder why you watch an hour and a half worth of nonsense to get to the fifteen minutes or so of torture.  I can see claims made for both sides, though overall I feel it would somehow cheapen the effect of the movie if the torture scene had gone on longer or if there had been any more.  I think the whole idea of waiting until the end is supposed to be the suspense that gets you as well.  You know something’s going to happen.  You know this chick isn’t right.   You’re just waiting to see the guy come out of the bag.   So once it all finally does unravel, well, of course you don’t want it to drag out too long or be seen as overkill.   I think it does what it intends to do perfectly and people who see this movie in a bad way should learn to be more patient.   Was the payoff worth it at the end?  Definitely.   So stop complaining.

Dear Diary, Day Four of Being Undead…

Title:  Zombie Diaries

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  No, haha.   This is a Dimension Extreme release though, so it should be good.

Introduction:  Purchased from Games Plus as part of a sale.   Yes, when I see the word “zombie” in the title, I usually will buy the movie now.

Location:  All over the place, so they had some good locales.

Plot:  The zombie virus has spread and has taken over the United States.   Now, see it come to England through the eyes of several different amateur camera people.    The story unfolds in what is a cross between 28 Days Later and The Blair Witch Project.

Acting:  It’s decent at best.

Production:  The movie is shot through several different camera-people’s eyes, but it still has that whole Cloverfield look to it.  I will mention though that it is a step above in the production value of The Blair Witch Project.

Sex/Nudity:  There is slight nudity, but only because some guy rips off a zombie girl’s shirt.   But nothing ~sexy~.

Special Effects:  The zombies look good, yes.

Overall Verdict:  I don’t know the full story behind the making of this movie, but it does have that feel to it like it’s trying to capitalize on other movies—even so much as to say the recent Paranormal Activity, which was just awful.   I don’t necessarily hate movies shot like this, but I don’t understand why, if I’m supposed to be able to watch your movie, you shoot it in such a grainy fashion.   Do writers ever want to pretend that their writing is older than it really is, so their books are all printed on paper that looks like it’s been written on already and covered in dirt, thus making it almost illegible to the reader?  Does a musician purposely record their latest song to sound like it was being played from a scratched up old record just to make it sound cool for the effect?   If you like your movie and you want me to be able to like it too, then make it watchable.   That’s all I’m saying.   The effect does have its good points, but primarily this ends up coming off as a version of 28 Days Later it looks like somebody bootlegged in the theater.   Still, probably the best of the movies I’ve seen shot this way, but consider the competition.