Even an Alien Can’t Catch a Break

Title:  District 9

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  You should watch the name of the guy who directed this, and apparently the main star was also in the new A-Team movie.   He played Murdock in it, which I thought was Bradley Cooper’s role, which just goes to show how much I actually paid attention to that movie.

Introduction:  I pulled this movie off the shelf at the library.

Location:  In Johannesburg, Africa.  Yes, they had a budget, but more on that later.

Plot:  Aliens have landed in Johannesburg and somewhat taken residence there as well.   Many details of this mockumentary are skipped over, such as language translation, but we get right into the point instead where, basically, there has been enough crime and all these things being blamed on the aliens (called “prawns”, as somewhat of a racist term) and so they’re getting evicted without notice and without remorse.   From there, the man in charge of this whole thing turns into a partial alien himself.   This leads to the government wanting to know what he is capable of, which leads to him fleeing them and going on the run.   It just turns into this epic sci-fi movie that will grip you from the beginning to the end.   Quite honestly (and obviously) this movie is based on the apartheid in Africa.  Looking at this movie and the natives treatment of the aliens, I mean, they don’t even have to be from another planet, they could have just been from another country or city.   It’s kind of funny how racism and blind hatred transcend any limits even in space, but there you have it.   This movie is the reason why we should all love each other and stop fighting already.

Acting:  It’s good, I have no complaints.

Production:  It looks like a big budget movie and it kind of is.   Word is that the director was given thirty million dollars by Peter Jackson to make whatever he wanted when a movie based on Halo fell through.   This is what we got, and I’m actually happier with this.

Sex/Nudity:  No.  They say that the man on the run had sex with the aliens, and they pictures which aren’t even that graphic.   The most graphic content in this movie comes from the blood. 

Special Effects:  Toward the end, my man gets into a robot-like suit powered by his alien DNA and starts killing every human who tries to mess with him.   It’s amazing that this isn’t an actual documentary because it looks so real.

Overall Verdict:  This movie, aside from making me really happy for sci-fi, makes me excited for the next work of this director as well as a possible sequel eventually happening.  I don’t ever say this, trust me you can go back and read the archives, but I honestly believe that this could be the single best sci-fi movie in the last thirty years.  If not from the 1980’s/1990’s, it is definitely the best sci-fi movie since we entered the year 2000 without a doubt.   This movie will one day top lists with The Day The Earth Stood Still and the like.

The Beginning is the End is the End of the Beginning

Title:  Beginning of the End

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie has a young Peter Graves in it and is directed by Bert I. Gordon, who is apparently a great B movie director.

Introduction:  I got this movie from the library because as much as the case made a claim for it to be a horror movie, I knew it had B movie in it somewhere. 

Location:  It takes place in a town where 150 people disappeared.  It had some sort of budget for location, but not a big one.

Plot:  So there’s this place that’s using radioactive chemicals to make food bigger (like tomatoes) and some locusts happened to sneak into this place and get in the stuff.   So now there are these giant locusts running around and they’re PISSED.   Okay, the really funny part about this movie- which comes in at a whopping hour and seventeen minutes, by the way- is that the main scientist guy (who is played by Peter Graves) tells the reporter lady basically how the chemicals cause the food to get bigger.   It’s not so much a movie as it is a tenth grade science class.   It really doesn’t work on any level because science nerds are going “Duh, I don’t need this explained to me” while everyone else is saying “Less talking, more giant bugs!!”  (I was saying the latter)  The basic plot of this movie is a tale as old as time- man has created a monster it cannot control and now it has to figure out how to destroy said monster before the monster destroys mankind.   In this particular movie, the monster just happens to be giant locusts.  It’s really the best selling point for this movie.  Forget everything else; just think “Giant sized B movie bugs, hooray!”

Acting:  It’s not that bad, actually, which is kind of scary.   Okay, maybe the female lead isn’t all that great, but Peter Graves naturally does his job well.

Production:  This movie puzzles me because it was made in 1957.  It’s black and white, but I can’t tell if it looks fake because that’s just the best technology they could afford or if it was just the best technology at the time.   I’m going to meet somewhere in the middle though and say it’s a little bit of both.

Sex/Nudity:  No, not in this time frame, pal.

Special Effects:  This movie does what most B movies do (or movies of that time, I suppose) and uses perspective with the green screen effect to make ordinary sized bugs seem much, much larger.  Much of the movie is shot with the bugs outside an office window, which you can clearly tell is like an entirely different movie going on in the background.   I have decided- thanks to this movie though- that if I do ever decide to make a movie, even a short, it will be in this style partially to pay tribute to those who came before me and mostly because it’s hilarious.  There is one scene in particular where the locusts are climbing up the buildings.   You can tell that basically there is a picture of some buildings with the locusts just walking across it, and then it’s changed for perspective.   It’s a shot I could easily make with my cats or any animal to make them seem giant—it’s just a matter of how big the picture is.   The thing with this scene though is that the two buildings are uneven, so when the two locusts reach the same point one of them still looks to be crawling up the side of the building while the other appears to be somewhat floating in space/resting on things that aren’t big enough to support it.   You’ve gotta love it.

Overall Verdict:  This movie has a lot of talking and rather boring parts in the beginning, but once it finds its stride it’s definitely worth watching the locust effects.   However, I should note that by no means is this movie scary, only funny.   There is also this somewhat disturbing noise (even to my ears) that the locusts make.  It disturbed most of my cats that were in earshot and, yeah, it’s not something you want to hear at high volumes.   Off to watch other Bert I. Gordon movies now, as you should also do after seeing this.

One Way or Another, Death Is Gonna Getchya

Title:  Final Destination Quadrology

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Devon Sawa is in the first one, Ali Larter is in the first two, Tony Todd is in the first three (The third one as voice only) and the second and fourth installments were directed by David R. Ellis (Snakes On A Plane)

Introduction:  I only ever saw the first Final Destination when it came out on DVD probably, so the other three are new to me.   I got them all as a four pack from the library.

Location:  They take place in various locations and, yes, they had good budgets and were in theaters.

Plot:  All four movies follow the same plotline, only with certain elements changed.   In the first, Devon Sawa’s character envisions a plane crash he was supposed to be on.   However, he- and several other students- got off the plane right before it actually did explode.   The rest of the movie is spent with death trying to catch up to them.    Ultimately, they all die.   The second is with a giant pile up car crash rather than a plane.  The third is about a rollercoaster.  The fourth is centered around, yes, NASCAR. 

Acting:  The first and fourth movies both feature male characters who have the premonitions, whilst the second and third are female character orientated.  Interesting to note.  There is also an actor in the third movie named Battle Texas.  I am not making this up.

Production:  Again, these movies were in theaters and were also actually quite successful at the box office.

Sex/Nudity:  Most of this occurs in the fourth movie.

Special Effects:  The scenes look as realistic as they should, which is both magnificent and terrifying.

Overall Verdict:  Toward the end of the second movie, I realized that these were all playing out the same way.  I then also came to the realization that I- like most people probably- was watching these movies fully knowing that everyone was going to die and not looking for some secret to cheat death but rather just to see how the victims die.   Plus, as the movies go on the characters get more annoying and you want them to die more horrid deaths.   So what I’m going to do now (And my only real reason for writing this review) is provide you with my Top 4 Favorite Death Scenes, one from each movie and in order.

1)       The teacher aka Valeria Lewton aka Val Lewton the famous movie maker.   The first movie wasn’t nearly as over-the-top with the death scenes as the others became.  They really came with more of a shock value than anything else.  Most of (if not all) of them were under the same idea that you thought one thing was going to happen (bathtub electrocution) and then it went in another direction you weren’t thinking about (strangled).   I did read that the “alka seltzer scene” in this movie went on longer than planned because test audiences took longer than they thought to get over the shocking death I like to call “girl gets hit by bus”.   I don’t know why, but seeing people smashed by cars in movies will never get old for me.   Maybe it is how I am destined to leave this world.   In any event, the teacher dies by first having a piece from the computer slice her throat open, and then when she’s trying to grab the phone for help she ends up bringing down a large kitchen knife right to her chest.   I read that they actually had her head coming out of a hole with a rubber body on the floor to simulate the stabbing.  That, in some form, must still be kind of freaky for the actress.

Unanswered Question in the First Movie:  If you are an actor like, say, Sean William Scott (Who does not spell his name that simply) and you have a scene where you’re decapitated, which warrants a fake head being made for you, at the wrap party do you get to keep the head?  I think it depends on the actor/director/film company etc., but I do remember Lucy Liu saying she had her props from Kill Bill.  I don’t know.   I’d get in movies just to die and keep my body parts.   Does that sound wrong?

2)      The addict who gets sliced into pieces.  Okay, most of the deaths in this movie, admittedly, weren’t that cool.  I don’t know what David R. Ellis was doing exactly, maybe the studio told him not to go too overboard or something, but really, this movie was kind of tame other than this death.   Sure, there was the shock factor of the kid blowing up with the barbeque at the end, but you know, again, all shock factor.  When the addict guy died, it was one of the coolest things I’ve seen in all of cinema.   As barbed wire ripped through him like you would pan for gold in the 1940’s, first his left arm fell off and then the rest of his body just kind of slumped over and fell to the ground like he was made of Play Doh.   It was just awesome and a sight I believe everyone needs to see IN A MOVIE at least once in their life. 

Unanswered Question in the Second Movie:  When the one guy tried to kill himself, the gun wouldn’t do the job even though it had six bullets in it.  So were they really duds or did they just have death’s magic powers over them?  I mean, if the cop had tried to shoot someone later would the bullets have worked?

3)      Texas Battle’s Head Gets Smashed In the Gym.   Okay, first off, a lot of the characters share last names with movie directors throughout this entire franchise.   That being said, Texas Battle (Yes, that is his real life name) is named “Lewis Romero”.   If you don’t understand that reference right away, please don’t read my blog.  Kthanxbye.   In other news, after several twists and turns, he finally got his head smashed which was just a gruesome and “AWWHHHHH” inducing scene.   Clearly the best part of this movie, though when the one random girl gets harpooned I thought it was kind of neat.

Unanswered Question in the Third Movie:  In Japan, this movie’s title translated to “Final Deathcoaster”.   Can someone find me a reasonably priced poster that says that on it?

4)      Girl Who Gets Killed in the Beginning by a Flying Tire.   Yes, I know, she didn’t have a very big role, but it was still one of the best deaths in this movie.   The guy who got stuck to the bottom of the pool was all right, but I like to swim so that doesn’t count.  Drowning isn’t as funny to me as it used to be, but really, I never thought drowning was an effective way to show death in movies because it’s so boring.  

Unanswered Question in the Fourth Movie:  Why was the racist guy simply known as “The Racist”?   Is it because if they gave him a name, then that name would forever be associated with racism?  I’m not saying he’s worthy of a name, since he did use the n-word, but how does that actor take that job and then audition for other roles.   “Umm… Yeah, I was the racist in The Final Destination”  “What?  You’re racist?  NEXT!”

My final piece of advice for you to make your movie viewing experience that much better is that when someone is about to die (and you can tell) in any of the movies, simply say “Well, at least she’s leaving this world the same way she came into it—in a tanning bed”.    It makes it funny, even if just that little bit more.

I Don’t Tell You How to Do Your Ranger Business

Title:  The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  If you know any of these actors from being in anything else, award yourself ten bonus points.

Introduction:  I first got this movie from the library, not fully understanding what it was.   I then later purchased it at Walmart.

Location:  This movie takes place primarily in a cabin in the woods, but there are a few other spots out there to be seen.   It is close to being a phonebooth movie, but only really because they didn’t spend their budget on going to exotic places.

Plot:  The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra has been found and wishes to take a bride.  Through an unlikely series of events, a group of people all comes together for the same goal.   Really, this movie doesn’t have a great plot in the sense that you don’t really need to understand what is going on to find it funny.  It’s like a comedy (or a B movie) in that way because you can just laugh at things and not really have to get into the finer details of the plot.  So for purposes of this review, let’s skip over the plot and tell you what you really need to know, because while the plot is slightly complex and would take time explaining, that time would be much better served giving you the real reasons why you should see this movie.

Acting:  It is over the top.   I read that most of the actors were classically trained and so delivering such a performance was really a feat in itself.   It’s kind of funny to think that certain movies can have such bad acting unintentionally but with great ease, while this movie goes out of its way and really works hard to make the acting seem so bad.   It’s quite remarkable and hilarious at the same time.

Production:  It’s shot like a B movie, but less like Roger Corman and more like H.G. Lewis.  It has that cheesy sci-fi feel to it that I love and would watch just about any movie that came out looking like this.  I have too many favorites to name that appear in this genre.

Sex/Nudity:  Nope and nope, thank goodness.

Special Effects:  At some points when things happen you can see strings.  This is done intentionally, of course, to keep with the B movie tribute.  When you think about how they had to take what would be considered a normal movie then go out of their way to make it appear as a B movie, it’s really kind of crazy because they seem to be going this extra mile whereas the original B movies (Manos Hands of Fate comes to mind) just kind of had it happen naturally.

Overall Verdict:  First off, I must applaud this movie for its efforts simply on the fact that it took a big risk that really paid off.   I think that 90% of what makes a B movie so great is that it doesn’t try to be a B movie and it actually takes itself rather seriously.   As a director/writer/actor you have these things happen that you take to heart, but it comes out as either unintentional humor or simply as Ed Wood said, you must get sucked into the movie and lose your disbelief.   Whatever the case maybe, true B movies capture that while this pays tribute to it but if done wrong it could have seemed like it was mocking it.   I think the real truth as to why this movie paid off is because they bought the majority of their props on eBay and the largest expense they made from their budget was getting a location permit.   Again, this could have been a huge disaster.  Part of being a B movie is not wanting to be a B movie.   Although certain movies from, say, The Asylum have done a good job of being B level movies that are fun if not taken too seriously.  (Sharktopus comes to mind)  So as a tribute to B movies this does a great job and I actually really enjoyed it, so much that I’ve watched it more than once and even own it now.  I suggest everyone see this whether they are a fan of B movies or not.  I truly think that there is some humor here to be taken from this, as well as it could possibly dispel some myths about the fact that B movies aren’t actually bad movies they’re just different.

Yet another Exorcism Movie

Title:  The Rite

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  It has Anthony Hopkins in it and that’s pretty much all that you need to know.

Introduction:  I got this from the library because I vaguely remember it being in theaters and I didn’t hear terrible things about it like other movies I won’t name.

Location:  Let’s just say they had a big budget.

Plot:  This story follows a young priest who is not sure whether or not he wants to go through with becoming a fully fledged member of God’s fighting team.  So the priest who is kind of guiding him does what any good member of the Catholic Church would do and basically blackmails him into staying because of money issues and then ships him off to Rome or somewhere like that to study under a higher priest who is to make a believer out of him.   This movie is loosely based on a book which is based on true events.  I think it has a decent plot, because this certain demon continues to haunt this would-be pastor as well as Anthony Hopkins’ character.   In the end, good triumphs over evil (Who saw that coming?) and we all go home happy Catholics for the first time since The Passion of the Christ.

Acting:  Anthony Hopkins is in this and that’s all that you really need to know.

Production:  Yes, it was a big budget movie in theaters.

Sex/Nudity:  No, not that I can remember.  There may have been some, but I also may have slept through it.

Special Effects:  They are rather non-existent.

Overall Verdict:  This is by no means a horror or a scary movie.  It has very little shock value when it comes to the demons and overall plot, and mainly it just seems like something to please the Catholic Church.   This movie didn’t really win me over as a believer in anything that I didn’t already believe in.  I believe in demons already because I’ve worked retail during the holidays.   The only thing that really stands out about this movie is the performance of Anthony Hopkins.   As far as the plot goes, I really think that The Last Exorcism should’ve been the last movie about exorcisms.

Why I Don’t Believe In Breakfast

Title:  Kalifornia

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Brad Pitt, Juliette Lewis, David Duchovany and some other lady are the main (And really only) actors in this movie.

Introduction:  I saw this movie when it first came out and watched it many times as a child.  When I was young, I used to watch several movies of a certain actor and then have to see everything that actor was ever in.   This was the case with Brad Pitt as well as Tom Cruise and Christian Slater.   Granted, it lead to me seeing Far and Away, A River Runs Through It and Legends of the Fall, but I also got to see awesome movies like this.  I recently found this at Games Plus (as a former rental) and didn’t hesitate to buy it for five dollars.  Yes, it took an entire franchise shutting down for me to find this movie on DVD to own.  (R.I.P. Hollywood Video)

Location:  This movie is your classic road trip!

Plot:  David Duchovancy’s character is writing a book about serial killers.  His wife (?) is a photographer and she’s along for the ride to California because she’s photographing the places they are visiting as he’s dictating his thoughts and what not into a tape recorder.  It’s kind of like what our next trip up north will be like.   To help out with expenses, they recruit Brad Pitt and Juliette Lewis’ characters to come along for the ride.   They have this classic verbal exchange (The X-Files couple) about how they shouldn’t bring those two along because they look like they’re going to cost more money than actually bring any money to the table.  David D’s character ends up saying something like, “Well, they were the only ones who replied to my ad”.   Yeah… If that’s not an invitation for trouble, I don’t know what is.  So as they’re journeying across country, through Texas and what not, Brad Pitt is revealing more and more about his character and is closer and closer to being caught as a serial killer.   In the end, the good guys win, but I like to think that had the writer character been murdered by the serial killer it might have sold more books for him.

Acting:  I keep waiting for David Duchovany to say something about the truth being out there.   He very much resembles his best known character, only with some goofy earrings.   His female partner… I’m not even sure who she is in real life.   Juliette Lewis is kind of a cross between several characters she has played before- the dimwitted, helpless female mixed with a bit of what she was like in Natural Born Killers.   Brad Pitt gives one of his best performances ever.  If you ever wonder why Brad Pitt is the megastar that he is now, go back and watch this movie.   Brad Pitt becomes this character and for the most part, I forget that he isn’t.

Production:  I do believe that this was in theaters.

Sex/Nudity:  There is some, yes.

Special Effects:  The killing looks real.  In one scene, a man is repeatedly stabbed to death in a bathroom and the blood flows like I imagine it would in real life.

Overall Verdict:  I can only now imagine that this movie chose to give the title state a “K” instead of “C” because the “K” is for “KILL”.   It is something you should watch to possibly be scared and most importantly to hear about how breakfast is a scam invented by the cereal companies.

And When There’s Nothing Left To Do…

Title:  Feast 3: The Happy Finish

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  It’s the same writer/director team from the first two.   It also has most of the same cast from the second movie.   Many of the people (including the babykiller) who I thought died in the second are somehow back for the third.  Trippy.

Introduction:  Thrice again, I got this from Netflix.   However, for what it’s worth, after watching this (final?) installment I did go out and buy the trilogy together for $9.99 from Best Buy.  I suggest you do the same.

Location:  This movie picks up where the second left off and we also find our cast inside some buildings, on the streets and, of course, in the sewer.

Plot:  As said up there, this movie picks up where the second left off.   The bartender makes it through to the end, but no one else from the first (I believe) survives this far.  I have to re-watch them all in order and in one sitting to keep tabs on every character.   In any event, most of the same characters return in hopes of trying to evade the monsters still.   It should be noted that a badass gunslinger joins this cast in this installment (if only briefly) as well as a mystic sage who seems to possess the power to drive the monsters away simply by screaming at them (Played by Last Comic Standing winner Josh Blue, which is awesome).    I’m not going to lie.  I’ve read the reviews.  I know what people think about this movie.  I will be giving you spoilers from this point on, so stop reading it if you plan on watching it and haven’t seen it.  (If you haven’t seen it, you really should.   Then come back and read what I wrote)   So this is for all of the naysayers out there.   All of the people who “loved the first, tolerated the second and found the third too hard to fathom”.    What about this movie is so over-the-top that you can’t find the enjoyment in it?  I read someone say he gave up on this series after the second movie because of the scene where they rip apart a baby.   Someone needs to tell that dude (and all those like him) that it’s NOT A REAL BABY.  Knowing full well that what happens is not real makes it only that much cooler because you get to see the effects of what it might look like.   I think with these movies people either want them to be too realistic or they just take them too seriously.  Again, here is an example of that.  Someone randomly gets squashed by a giant robot resembling a Transformer ~in a movie~ - I laugh my ass off and think it’s the greatest ending possible.   Now if that same situation were to occur ~in real life~ I’d be screaming like a girl and possibly faint.  And while we’re on that subject, people seemed to be bummed out by the random ending of the lady just being squashed by what appeared to be a Transformer that wandered off of Michael Bay’s set.  What did you want?  The two characters left to go repopulate the earth?  I mean, that’d be about as cliché as the hero sticking around to save the day.   And the surprise eating of Eric Dane’s hero character with the utmost of speed and precision and is one of the very core reasons why I (and probably you) loved this franchise to begin with.  Are you all really just that butthurt over Eric Dane’s character?  Because if you are, there are a large number of cliché horror movies out there that you can watch instead.  I loved this movie more than the first two.  I thought it had the best possible ending it could.  Especially the singer.

Acting:  It’s about as good as it gets at this level.

Production:  It was straight to DVD, but I still think it looked good enough to be in theaters.

Sex/Nudity:  One or two of the topless girls returns and is still topless.  But, thank goodness, at one point when they’re walking, the girl finds a leather jacket and actually clothes herself.   I’m thinking, as a movie maker, “Someone put clothes on that girl or we’re going to be NC-17” (Even though it’s just boobs), as a movie fan I’m thinking “Why isn’t this girl dressed yet?” and as a pessimist I’m thinking: “Great, leave her clothes off so you can appeal to the horny adolescents”.   So luckily she kind of put clothes back on, so as not to make this movie another hour straight of boobs.   I would’ve stood up and cheered when she put clothes on if I was in a theater.  (Okay, maybe not.  Being quiet is important!)

Special Effects:  To go along with up there, only there isn’t really nudity, per se, but… There exists one scene where… How do I put this lightly? … You know what happens in jail, right?  Well, through a wall, the monster somehow manages to butt-rape the character of The Slasher, and that sort of turns him into a monster of his own.    It’s not nearly as graphic as it sounds because if you’re not really paying attention, you probably don’t know what’s going on aside from a monster humping a wall, but, you know, when doesn’t that happen?   Ah yes, the people who made these three movies LOVE the monster sex.

Overall Verdict:  The song at the end pretty much sums up this entire movie.  The first one kind of stands alone, except for the bartender and the monsters.   The second and third one should be watched back-to-back for continuity.   The song even mentions a possible fourth installment because none of these three really provided us with any answers about the monsters in question.  I read that there might be a fourth movie if the DVD sales do well and there is enough interest.   Right now, the guys are working on Piranha 3DD, but I’m hoping it will still happen sometime.   I almost want to stand outside of movie theaters when Piranha 3DD comes out and tell people if they liked that movie to watch the Feast trilogy.  But I don’t have that kind of time.  No, I will instead just continue to generate positive buzz for this movie and make the naysayers shut their dirty monster-sexed mouths. 

Mini Lucha Catapult Launcher and Pukefest 2000

Title:  Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  It has Cockroach from The Cosby Show in it, alongside a bunch of actors and actresses I don’t really know.  It retains the same writing and directing crew, and since the actors are just here to be eaten anyway it doesn’t really matter.

Introduction: This sequel also came from Netflix.

Location:  This sequel is set throughout a small town, most notably on a roof toward the end.

Plot:  Apparently, the monsters have moved to a neighboring town.   The opening sequence is somewhat confusing, and then we get into the whole “16 hours earlier” scheme.   We hear a little back story on some of the characters.   The most noted is a sleazy used car salesman whose wife is cheating on him with the salesman of the month.  All three of them are in this.   Plus a gang of biker chicks that are tough as nails (and like to be naked).   And also there is the bartender from the first one.   Oh!  And I forgot the best part:  There are two luchadores in this movie as well!  While the plot is fairly simple (and not too much unlike the first), it comes down to the base of all horror plots really—survive or be eaten.    This group of humans who we are supposed to be cheering on to safety (Yeah, right) is atop the roof of a building that neighbors the local jail.   They’re trying to get into said jail to use the telephone because, you know, that will make this all better.   Eventually, everyone pretty much gets ripped to shreds, much to the viewers delight.

Acting:  It’s not bad, per se, but no one is winning any awards here either.

Production:  It looks like it could have been in theaters, though I’m pretty certain it went straight to DVD.

Sex/Nudity:   In one of the final scenes, the group builds a catapult in hopes of launching the luchadores into the air and from one roof to the next.   In order to do this, the biker chicks have to give up some of their clothing.  So for the last twenty minutes or so of the movie, there are a few topless women (only two or three)   If that somehow offends you or makes you not want to watch this movie, though, well, let’s just say that’s the thing you’ll probably be least offended by here.

Special Effects:   They’re really good, actually.  Two scenes stand out to me—as they probably do to anyone who has seen this.    At one point, the salesman of the month tries to rescue a baby from a car.   However, when the monsters are chasing him, and steadily gaining on him, he decides to toss the baby over his head as a sacrifice for the monsters to hopefully buy him some time.   He dies later, due to a motorcycle malfunction, but you know, it was still a pretty lousy thing to do.   Nonetheless, you see a baby ripped to shreds and eaten by these monsters, which is quite a sight.   Also, for some reason, the same guy (He’s trouble, this one) decides for some reason that they should dissect one of the dead creatures.   Don’t ask me why anyone lets him do this, but if you’re ever in this situation please kill said guy instead of letting him go through with it.    This little science experiment basically leads to what I like to think of as Pukefest 2000.    One girl sees something she doesn’t want to see and she vomits.   Some of the bodily fluids of the creature gets on a girl and she vomits onto another girl.   And of course the domino effect of vomiting ensues and we have probably more fake puke than I have ever seen in a movie before.

Overall Verdict:   I’ve recently been wondering, as a filmmaker or what have you, how you go about making a sequel.   The whole essence of it really intrigues me because you have to make something that is just as good if not better than the original.   The thing is, if your movie is at, say, a C level to begin with, then no one probably wants to see your sequel.   It won’t even be an option.   However if your movie is closer to an A or B rating, then you have to somehow make something that is also A or B level once again.   I think for the simple fact of trying to outdo yourself and people simply saying, “It’s okay, but not as good as the original” makes me never want to make a sequel unless it’s all planned out in advance and just broken up into parts.   This movie, this sequel, however is one of those rare cases when I can honestly say that this movie was just as good- if not better- than the original.   They both were slightly different in ways, which made them both good.  I mean, it wasn’t a straight up “Let’s do the same thing again” movie no matter how much the plot may seem like it was.   To even watch this as a standalone movie- without seeing the first- it still works, which I guess is the true sign of a great sequel.

Television Actors Unite!

Title:  Feast

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Pretty much everyone in this movie has done something else that you should know them for, though they mostly come from television.    It has Henry Rollins pre-Sons of Anarchy and Jason Mewes as himself.   What else could you ask for?  Oh yeah, the writing-directing team behind this is also going to be responsible for the upcoming Piranha 3DD.

Introduction:  I got this from Netflix but am not opposed to buying it one day.

Location:  This movie literally takes place inside a bar.   It is a phonebooth movie for that reason.

Plot:  A diverse group of social misfits ends up trapped inside a bar while monsters outside threaten to break in and eat them for dinner.   The best part?  They manage to kill one of them, but it turns out to be the smallest one… It turns out to be the baby monster.   Now that they’ve killed the baby, the adult monsters are even hungrier for blood.   Do you really care about the characters back stories here or do you just want to see somebody get their face ripped off?   Yes, this movie is less plot and more blood, which I thoroughly enjoy.

Acting:  Again, this movie is made up of actors that primarily have television roles outside of this.   With that being said, this is still some good acting.

Production:  Was this in theaters?  I don’t know, but it has the look like it could have been.

Sex/Nudity:  There is a sex scene, but it’s “movie sex”, so no real nudity here.   There is also a monster sex scene, which I’m unsure about if there is nudity or not.   I mean, they never really wear clothes, so…

Special Effects:  In one scene, Judah Friedlander’s character- “Beer Guy”- loses his eye and somehow becomes covered in maggots.   When he asks someone else how his eye looks, and lifts his eye patch up, you can see maggots crawling around where his eye used to be.  While this is disturbing, amongst other things, it also looks very realistic.

Overall Verdict:  This is one of my new favorite horror movies.   What can I say?  It delivers on a lot of the reasons why you watch modern horror movies (or at least why I do):  There is the gross out factor, people being eaten and rightfully so and the slightest bit of comedy.    Eric Dane has a brief cameo in this movie as “The Hero”.  As he comes in and explains to everyone else how they must do exactly what he says if they want to live, a monster comes through the window and eats him.   So much for that plan.  I love how this movie just rips up the clichés and spits them out.

More Twists Than Chubby Checker

Title:  The Disappearance of Alice Creed

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Umm… no.

Introduction:  Originally, I saw this movie as a preview before another movie and thought “That looks like a much better version of Taken” (which I absolutely hated) and so I looked it up at the library.  It took a while for me to get, and I wish I could say that it was worth the wait, but alas, there will be many more disappointed movie watchers to come.

Location:  This movie starts in a room that is closed off so there is no contact or awareness of its surroundings.   Eventually, they end up in the woods and then at another location, but still, it does take place about 97% in the same room, so I’ll call it a phonebooth movie.

Plot:  Here’s where I have the most problems.  Two men kidnap Alice Creed (duh) and it is eventually revealed that one of them (Danny or something) is her boyfriend.   Danny reveals his plans to double cross Martin (or whoever) and the two of them will split the money that she should rightfully get from her rich father but never will.   Ugh.  Then we learn that Danny and Martin are gay for each other.  So it’s this love triangle where you don’t know which way it’s going to go, but I ultimately wouldn’t have been surprised to see Alice and Martin together in the end.   So we have this scene where Alice seduces Danny and manages to get the upper hand on him.   She then uses the phone to call 911, but to no avail.  Danny- with one hand handcuffed- eventually gets the upper hand on Alice again and things seem to be back to normal.  This is why, folks, if you are ever kidnapped for any reason, do not- I repeat DO NOT- call 911 then  notice a gun on the table and say “Never mind, I got this” and hang up.  There is a door that the one guy kept going out to call the ransom from somewhere on a cell phone he later disposed of for safety reasons.  Grab the gun if you have to, shoot your kidnapper (even just a flesh wound) if you have to, but find that door, get out it and RUN RUN RUN.   Staying in the place where you are being kept captive can only lead to bad things, as this movie proved in more ways than one.   Just when I thought they were overcoming the idea of the damsel in distress, this movie continues for another forty minutes.  In the end, Martin ends up shooting Danny, but only wounding him, out in the middle of the woods.  Danny appears later and shoots Martin twice (but doesn’t kill him right away), so Danny goes off on his own but doesn’t make it very far because he’s bleeding out.   Alice eventually escapes by grabbing keys and finds the car with Danny passed out in it.   Yeah, pretty much this movie is just a different twist and turn at each corner, sometimes with little or no sense at all, and it just feels like you’re being jerked around too much to care about what’s going on.   It’s a swerve job, kids.   Nothing else.

Acting:  They’re okay actors, but not the best.

Production:  It looks like it could’ve been in theaters.

Sex/Nudity:  When they first kidnap Alice, they strip her down.   Later on there is a sex scene between Alice and Danny.  I think the main selling point of this movie might be for adolescent boys to see a girl naked.

Special Effects:  They are special… and by special I mean non-existent.

Overall Verdict:  This movie is very easy to mock.   They could have easily named it The Disappointment of Alice Creed.   I liked my title on Facebook, The Disappearance of Movie Dignity.   But, overall, what this movie teaches you is one simple lesson.   If you are in a relationship with someone, and you really love that person, you do not kidnap them without their knowing and then precede to semi-torture them.   Granted, if you didn’t know that before this hour and forty minute mess of a movie then, you know, you probably shouldn’t be allowed in normal society anyway.  I initially thought this movie could be scary- or at least gory- like a better version of Taken with elements of Saw mixed in.  Obviously I was wrong.   This movie is suspense at best, but mostly it is just plain awful and I had trouble sitting through it.