More Twists Than Chubby Checker

Title:  The Disappearance of Alice Creed

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Umm… no.

Introduction:  Originally, I saw this movie as a preview before another movie and thought “That looks like a much better version of Taken” (which I absolutely hated) and so I looked it up at the library.  It took a while for me to get, and I wish I could say that it was worth the wait, but alas, there will be many more disappointed movie watchers to come.

Location:  This movie starts in a room that is closed off so there is no contact or awareness of its surroundings.   Eventually, they end up in the woods and then at another location, but still, it does take place about 97% in the same room, so I’ll call it a phonebooth movie.

Plot:  Here’s where I have the most problems.  Two men kidnap Alice Creed (duh) and it is eventually revealed that one of them (Danny or something) is her boyfriend.   Danny reveals his plans to double cross Martin (or whoever) and the two of them will split the money that she should rightfully get from her rich father but never will.   Ugh.  Then we learn that Danny and Martin are gay for each other.  So it’s this love triangle where you don’t know which way it’s going to go, but I ultimately wouldn’t have been surprised to see Alice and Martin together in the end.   So we have this scene where Alice seduces Danny and manages to get the upper hand on him.   She then uses the phone to call 911, but to no avail.  Danny- with one hand handcuffed- eventually gets the upper hand on Alice again and things seem to be back to normal.  This is why, folks, if you are ever kidnapped for any reason, do not- I repeat DO NOT- call 911 then  notice a gun on the table and say “Never mind, I got this” and hang up.  There is a door that the one guy kept going out to call the ransom from somewhere on a cell phone he later disposed of for safety reasons.  Grab the gun if you have to, shoot your kidnapper (even just a flesh wound) if you have to, but find that door, get out it and RUN RUN RUN.   Staying in the place where you are being kept captive can only lead to bad things, as this movie proved in more ways than one.   Just when I thought they were overcoming the idea of the damsel in distress, this movie continues for another forty minutes.  In the end, Martin ends up shooting Danny, but only wounding him, out in the middle of the woods.  Danny appears later and shoots Martin twice (but doesn’t kill him right away), so Danny goes off on his own but doesn’t make it very far because he’s bleeding out.   Alice eventually escapes by grabbing keys and finds the car with Danny passed out in it.   Yeah, pretty much this movie is just a different twist and turn at each corner, sometimes with little or no sense at all, and it just feels like you’re being jerked around too much to care about what’s going on.   It’s a swerve job, kids.   Nothing else.

Acting:  They’re okay actors, but not the best.

Production:  It looks like it could’ve been in theaters.

Sex/Nudity:  When they first kidnap Alice, they strip her down.   Later on there is a sex scene between Alice and Danny.  I think the main selling point of this movie might be for adolescent boys to see a girl naked.

Special Effects:  They are special… and by special I mean non-existent.

Overall Verdict:  This movie is very easy to mock.   They could have easily named it The Disappointment of Alice Creed.   I liked my title on Facebook, The Disappearance of Movie Dignity.   But, overall, what this movie teaches you is one simple lesson.   If you are in a relationship with someone, and you really love that person, you do not kidnap them without their knowing and then precede to semi-torture them.   Granted, if you didn’t know that before this hour and forty minute mess of a movie then, you know, you probably shouldn’t be allowed in normal society anyway.  I initially thought this movie could be scary- or at least gory- like a better version of Taken with elements of Saw mixed in.  Obviously I was wrong.   This movie is suspense at best, but mostly it is just plain awful and I had trouble sitting through it.