This Blog is About You (But You're Still Vain)

So I got this anonymous comment on my blog- in all caps- and like a good Blogger (The company, not a reference to me) they blocked it and marked it as spam instead of letting it actually show up.   But after some consideration, I find this to be humerous at first glance, but overall just a sad reminder of what a terrible state we are in as the human race.   How can someone who hardly knows someone else (if even at all) judge them so harshly?   Well, read on because it actually gets a little bit racist and, well, that's how blind hatred works, right?

By the way, I don't like taking the time to do this, but considered I'd leave it up as a warning to others trying to be as "smart" as this person.   If you leave me an anonymous comment in all caps- whether it is the same person again or not- 1: Blogger will mark it as spam and it won't show up and 2: I will not do another one of these rants reducing myself to your level.  Even though I'm still slightly better because my points are valid and yours are pulled out of thin air.

Enjoy.  I am the one not in all caps, if that needed to be restated.

YOU ARE A PERSON WHO NEEDS A JOB AND GET A REAL HOBBY....

For an opening statement, does this make sense to anyone else?  I need a job, yes, but I also need a “real” hobby?   This person didn’t even specify what my hobby that isn’t “real” is for me to get a real one.   I have plenty of hobbies, so which one are they saying are fake?

IF YOU ARE WAITING FOR YOUR "DREAM JOB" THEN GET OFF OF YOUR LAZY ASS AND HIT THE PAVEMENT. JOBS JUST DON'T COME TO YOU, YOU GO TO THEM.

Not true, I once knew a guy who got a job because it ACTUALLY did come to him.   True story.

SITTING AT HOME ON THE COUCH 24/7 AND 365/SOMETIMES 366 DAYS A YEAR BLOGGING AND FACEBOOKING DOESN'T CONSTITUTE SOMEONE FINDING THEIR DREAM JOB.

What I find funniest about this statement is not the fact that anyone who knows me knows that I don’t in fact sit on my couch all the time, but the simple fact that I do not have the internet at home.  So your idea of me blogging and Facebooking from my couch comes unfounded as I can do no such thing from my couch and must go somewhere (usually the library) to do so.   I’m not even going to begin to mention the mere logistics of this I thought of when reading it, such as simple things like going to the bathroom or even sleeping in my own bed.

IF YOUR DREAM JOB CONSISTED OF YOU BLOGGING AND FACEBOOKING ALL DAY, WELL THEN YOU WOULD DEFINITELY TAKE THE CAKE AND BE CONSIDERED EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR;

Thanks…  I think?   Am I the only one who sees that as kind of a compliment?  I mean, I do like cake.

BUT OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT GETTING PAID, YOU ARE SITTING AT HOME, PRETENDING TO BE A GOOD, DECENT HUMAN BEING BUT IT IS WELL KNOWN THAT YOU ARE NOT.

While I’m not bothered by this person’s claims on my character, I do find it funny that they chose to say it was “well known” that I’m not.   Where is it well known?  Who knows it?  I don’t know that many people, and those that actually interact with me somehow don’t really know me that well anyway.  Obviously this person doesn’t know me at all, but the funny thing is, on what authority do they have it that I’m known all around town as a bad dude pretending to be good?   Look, I never say I am or claim to be anything.  I let people form their own judgments of me.   But the thing is, people don’t really see my true nature (nor do I brag about what I actually do), so sometimes it goes left unnoticed and I’m fine with that.  Again, I must go back to the earlier statement as well (Since it’s repeated here) about my sitting home all day.   Who are all these people and why do they know I’m such a horrible human being if all I’m doing is sitting on my couch all day?  Contradicting yourself is the first step toward being wrong, anonymous ranter.

IF YOU WERE, YOU WOULD GET A JOB - NO MATTER WHAT TYPE OF JOB AND START BRINGING IN THE MONEY TO SUPPORT YOUR WIFE AND THOSE CATS AND SOON TO BE CHILD.

Ah yes, because only good people have jobs.  You know what?  Rather than argue about how high the unemployment rate is or suggest that at one point in your life you were probably also unemployed, let me offer up this simple question for you.   By your logic, clearly everyone who doesn’t have a job is bad.  Then does that mean that everyone who has a job is good?  Because I think I could name some bad dudes with jobs.

TO GET YOUR DREAM JOB AT NINTENDO AND THAT JOB CONSISTED OF YOU HAVING MERCHANDISING EXPERIENCE....

Actually, I used that as an example of what my dream job *might* be, since I couldn’t think of anything at the time along the lines of what I’d like to be paid to do because right now I’d like to be paid to do just about anything.  But obviously you didn’t read my other blog and fully understand, so, sorry, I can’t dumb it down for you.   But just for the record, Nintendo is not my dream job.   You probably just skimmed what I wrote any way.

WELL LET ME TELL YOU A SECRET SIR...THERE ARE THESE BIG BUILDINGS THAT WILL HELP YOU GET A JOB, THEY ARE CALLED SCHOOLS..YES IT IS A NEW CONCEPT...GOING TO COLLEGE, GETTING AN EDUCATION OR PERHAPS START AT HEB STORES AND GET MERCHANDISING EXPERIENCE OR PERHAPS GO TO GAMESTOP AND START FROM THERE. SEE IT IS ALL ABOUT THAT.

Further proof this person knows nothing about me: I have a degree.  Yes, not only am I aware that one can go to school after high school I actually did attend school then as well.   I probably have a higher level of education than you, considering that all you’re doing point by point is proving how little you actually know about me and, well, making your case look all the weaker.  Rule number one, dude, know your enemy.  It’s kind of funny to see you try and insult me when you obviously know nothing about me.

And just to clarify, the Nintendo job was something I stumbled upon over five years ago and though it was only meant as an example, going to work as a merchandiser somewhere else wouldn’t help me now unless you can somehow provide me with time travel.   By the by, even though I don’t post is freely, it should be noted here as well that I actually do have merchandising experience now.

WHAT A WONDERFUL THOUGHT IF A JOB PROFILE HAS A SKILL THAT YOU ARE NOT THAT FAMILIAR WITH, COMMON SENSE WOULD TELL YOU TO EITHER FIND AN ENTRY LEVEL JOB TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE THAT DREAM JOB AND HERE IS ANOTHER PART, GO TO SCHOOL.

More of the same, but really, is your caps lock stuck or are you just that annoying?

 A REAL MAN WOULD NOT BE ASHAMED OF HIS JOB JUST AS LONG AS HE IS SUPPORTING HIS FAMILY AND PAYING HIS TAXES - LIKE ANY RESPECTABLE AMERICAN.

I agree.  And had I a job, I would not be ashamed of it if it could provide me with money to put food on the table, as the old cliché goes.  I think you’re arguing just for the sake of arguing now.

THE SAD THING IS THAT THERE ARE MORE ILLEGALS WORKING HARDER THAN YOU - AND THAT IS YOU JOSHUA - A PERSON WHO WAS BORN IN THE USA WHO REFUSES TO GET A JOB.

Number one:  Yes, like Bruce Springsteen, I was born in the U.S.A.   However, these talks of “illegals” makes me wonder who exactly is writing this and why I should care since you’re obviously some sort of racist.   I see people as people.   Show me the test you passed to live here, and assuming you’re not Native American, then anyone has as much right to be here as you do.   So, sit down, shut up and leave the racism to… well, not my blog.

Number two: I like how you say I refuse to get a job.   You know, it’s funny.  I’ve been offered many high paying positions and entry level jobs over the last year or so and you know, I turned them all down because I just refuse to get a job.   Snicker snicker.  End sarcasm.

IF BEING A LAZY WAS A JOB, WELL THEN BY GOLLY YOU GOT IT SIR!

On one hand, you’re calling me lazy, which is an insult.  On the other, you end it with “sir”, which makes me think that you have some sort of respect for me.   Well, you know, I’d be offended and try to refute your claims of my being not only lazy but the laziest of the lazies, as you sort of put it, but again, you obviously know nothing about me and think I’m somehow super-glued to my sofa, so yeah, your opinion is of little consequence to me.

BTW - THIS REPLY ISN'T FROM SOMEONE WHO IS DIRECTLY KNOWN TO YOU...THIS IS FROM SOMEONE WHO YOU WOULD LEAST SUSPECT....................................... SOMETIMES IT IS THE QUIET ONES YOU NEED TO WATCH OUT FOR

So… you’re not directly known to me, yet you’re also someone I’d be least likely to expect?   Funny, because if you’re not directly known to me (As in, if we are not friends, but say, instead you happened to just read this because you were linked here by someone on Facebook who has nothing better to do than concern themselves with the business of others because they’re too emotionally retarded to have their own life rather than meddling in other peoples business), so why would I suspect you if I don’t even know you?   It’s like, I’m waiting for this reveal at the end, like, “Aha!  It was me!  Bob Tewksberry all along!”  And I’m scratching my forehead like, “Who the $%^& is Bob Tewksberry??”  But the even better question is, why should I care? 

So here I am, this huge lazy person who doesn’t leave the couch, is less significant than one of those goshdarn illegal immigrants and would rather be a horrible person than get a job.   And here you are, someone who doesn’t know me, read one thing I wrote (Again, probably skimmed it) and suddenly took it upon themselves to form all of these opinions about me.  Oh, and not only form these opinions about me, but take the time to post them as an anonymous coward on my blog, in all caps none the less.  Who’s the real loser I ask you—your so-called loser in me, or the person who has nothing better to do than try (and fail miserably) to degrade a complete stranger?

First Shopping List

Shopping List #1

<Item #1> “lemons”  (on the far right of the page is written “cherry tomatoes”)

<Item #2> “milk 0%, 1%”

<Item #3> “cantalope”

<Item #4> “”oniondip”

<Item #5> “cherry tomatoes”

<Item #6> “macaroni”

<Item #7> “oniondip”

<Item #8> “salmon”

<Item #9> “nutella”

<Item #10> “oniondip”

<Item #11> “hash browns patties?”

<Item #12> “butter/marg”

<Item #13> “9x13 pan [?]”

<Item #14> “Hawaiian rolls – 1 pkg”

<Item #15> “carrots”

<Item #16> “Ital dress”

<Item #17> “froz peaches”

<Item #18> “wrinkle cream”

                The interesting thing about this is that “cherry tomatoes” is seemingly added to the top at the last minute, though it is also the fifth item on the list.  At the same time, “oniondip” shows up twice and just two items apart as well, this is a strange oversight.    The addition of “wrinkle cream” at the very bottom makes you wonder if it was added that far down only because it was not something that is food.  

                The first item- “lemons”- is in black, while the next six items are all in pink and then it switches back to black.   This can only lead you to assume that the list was actually started with “milk” and then “lemons” were later added to the top after “carrots”.   Although since items 16 and 17 are written in orange, this list was probably made over the course of a week or so.

                The first obvious food connection here would be the lemons going with the salmon.  Most of the other items are veggies that would fit with the onion dip and Italian dressing.   The one item that throws this list off is the hash browns because that’s a breakfast item (and a side) with no real matching component.    

                The big giveaway in this list is that there are not one but two types of milk being purchased.   This would lead you to conclude that this list is for more than just one person, though the milk could be used for cooking and coffee, though nothing coffee related is on this list.   Obviously, this list is not a full shopping list but just something thrown together to piece together other meals throughout the course of the week.   That fact alone makes you wonder why it seemed to have so many revisions and additions as opposed to being done in one take. 

                I will conclude that this is the list of a middle aged business woman who is too busy to do actual grocery shopping and just picks up what she needs here and there.   The milk might be for coffee, something she may have a lot of on hand if she entertains guests.   My original idea of this being for more than one person (based on the milk) is now ruled out, as I don’t believe this person has children.  The fact that gives that away to me is the wrinkle cream, something a more prominent business woman would need because she’s under the impression that her looks are what help her succeed.    It would be assumed that a mother wouldn’t be as worried about the wrinkles and almost sort of wear them proudly as battle scars of motherhood.

No, I’ve Never Been to Monster.com

As I find seemingly more and more that there are only greater misperceptions about the unemployed, I feel the need to write this not so much for those people who are unemployed or maybe have ever been, but rather for those out there who are employed and like to take it upon themselves to try and help those who are not.  In a sentence:  you’re doing more harm than good.

                When you’re unemployed, everyone thinks they have the answer for finding you a job.  In fact, this was a sentiment reflected by someone who I had never met before when I came to my boiling point.  Here I was, at a public function, openly admitting to someone I had never previously met that I was unemployed.   Now, of all the nerve, this guy says to me, “I know everyone wants to try and help you and think they can find you a job when you’re unemployed”, to which in my head I’m agreeing and saying, “Yes, now shut up”.   But he proceeds to tell me about a church group that gets together to try and help one another find jobs and resources.     Basically, this guy had the gall to come up to me, pretend to be civilized and then kind of mock me in a way, whether he knew it or not.   This is one of the biggest mistakes that you can make in this situation. 

                I often wonder what the difference is between something like this happening to me and a similar thing happening to a homosexual.    Imagine if instead of being unemployed I was a homosexual and not married.   So this guy asks me if I’m married and I say, “No, I’m a homosexual”.   And then what would this guy say to that?  “Oh, I know you’ve heard all of the stereotypes that people have said before, but… Aren’t you evil and going to burn in Hell for your sins?”   See the likeness?   Sure, being unemployed and homosexual isn’t exactly the same thing, but you get the idea.   Neither of what is being said in either situation is flattering to the person who is, for all intents and purposes, being victimized.

                So rather than spend the next few paragraphs blasting people who have only good intentions in trying to help, let me offer to you the following advice.   There are many ways to deal with someone who is unemployed.   

                The first (Though this will take some work on your part) is to find a really interesting job that just seems like a perfect fit for your unemployed friend and ask them about that.    If your friend happens to, for example, shop on a nearly daily basis at H.E.B. and you happen to notice that they’re hiring, pointing that out to your friend might just seem insulting.   (What?  I’m some kind of idiot?  Everyone else can see the hiring sign but me, and that’s why I don’t have a job yet?  My not being employed isn’t for a lack of trying or being observant)   When I first moved to Houston and was looking for a job, I saw an ad in the classifieds for a merchandiser for Nintendo.   (Yes, that Nintendo)  I thought the concept sounded AMAZING and it said that a background in customer service was preferred.   I emailed and called like crazy until I was finally given a phone interview.   Ultimately, I was blown off because it was a big deal where you would be flown to Seattle for training at Nintendo HQ and they actually had people with merchandising experience (which I didn’t technically have) apply, so you know, I got beat out by a more qualified candidate.   But still, to me, that was one of those awesome jobs that I would have loved to do.   So if you see something like that, then talk about that.  If you know your friend is a big sports fan and you see a baseball stadium hiring for the concessions stands, then mention that to them.   Don’t tell them that the local Target is hiring because they probably already know that.  

                And- this is the most important part, people- if you don’t know someone well enough to know their interests and what might qualify as a “really awesome job opening” to them, then there is one very simple thing that you can do.   KEEP.  YOUR.  MOUTH.  SHUT.

                Now my other advice for all of those out there who are employed and wishing to talk with those who are not employed and help them out is this.   As simple and stupid as it may sound:  Find something else to talk about.    I don’t think that I’ve ever had a job that I wanted to talk about outside of my working it.   What’s more so is that if I were to land my “dream job”, I highly doubt I’d want to talk about that either.    My dream job would consist of being given enough money to live off of for an entire year or two, as an advance, and then being told to write a novel that I had an idea for and when it was complete they’d pay me the rest.   The advance would simply be so that I could buy food and what not and the majority of my time would be spent writing.   Sure, I’d probably take weeks off at a time or risk going completely insane, but if I spent even eight hours a day or longer, five days a week or more doing nothing but writing a novel, do you think that on my off time the first thing I want to talk about is my writing?  I’d say no.  I’d say read the book when I was done writing it.

                In conclusion, I’d like to say that the President of the United States himself, Barack Obama, recently posted a quote that roughly translated to him vowing to help people in rural areas find places that are hiring.   It didn’t specifically say he was going to help people find jobs, per se, but rather help them find out who is hiring.   This whole idea to me was somewhat insulting because it makes it sound like these people have never read the Employment section of a newspaper, searched for a job on the internet or picked up a free Employment Guide at their local Walmart.   I’m sure most of the unemployed people out there who are actively seeking employment have Monster accounts already, Mr. President, but thanks for the support.

This Movie Disturbed Me More Than Rio

Title:  The Baby

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  No, not really.

Introduction:  I purchased this movie for an undisclosed sum.

Location:  Mostly in one house, but sometimes other places.

Plot:  This is perhaps one of the strangest and creepiest movies ever made, but like a bad car wreck you just cannot turn away.  A mother and her two daughters have a baby named, well, Baby, who is twenty one years old but acts like an infant.   A new case worker comes in and tries to crack the case as to why he is like this and if he really is just suppressing something.  She very much believes he can do things he should be able to at his age, like walk, but only doesn’t out of fear of his mother.   The entire time you watch this movie you just have this disturbed feeling come over you where you want to turn it off or look away… But you can’t.   You keep watching and hoping that Baby will finally reveal his true self.

Acting:  It’s actually really quite good.  I heard the actor that played Baby had his original noises replaced by generic stuff on this release, which is kind of weird, but maybe one day I can find this movie on VHS or something and hear his original cries.

Production:  It looks like a movie from the ‘70’s.

Sex/Nudity:  There isn’t flat out nudity, but it is implied in a breastfeeding scene or two.

Special Effects:  There weren’t really any special effects—not blood or anything.   This movie messes more with your mind than with your eyes.

Overall Verdict:  I’ve seen some pretty disturbing movies in my time.   This one just seems to be the most disturbing of them all.  In all honesty, as this movie was made back in the ‘70’s, I highly doubt a movie like this could be made now.  If they tried to accomplish a remake of this movie it would probably come out more like a comedy than anything else.  So as much as I enjoy this movie for its overall vibe, let us not discredit it as a sign of the times.

It’s Good to Have Ghosts for Friends

Title:  Cat People / Curse of the Cat People

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  These are two of the nine movies made famous by Val Lewton.

Introduction:  I got these movies- as a double pack- from the library for free.

Location:  They mostly take place in the same small town, but they have a few different locations (including a zoo in the first and a park in the second), so they had a small budget for locations I’d say.

Plot:  The first movie is about a woman who turns into a deadly cat every time she gets turned on.  Really.  The second is about her daughter, who is really posing as someone else’s kid, befriending the ghost of her dead momma.   Really.   While the plots are nice, they don’t seem to do as well on their own as they do together, as one big movie.

Acting:  For the adults and children involved, it all went rather smoothly.

Production:  The first is said to be such a remarkable movie because it was made for so little but grossed a lot of money.   Certain aspects had to be cut- like scenes involving the actual cat- to the point where the unknown sort of became scarier than anything that could have been actually put on the screen.   I like the suspense aspect of it in that manner though because it reminds me a lot of a Hitchcock film.

Sex/Nudity:  No, and that’s actually one of the key points in this movie.   Sure, there was a remake in 1982 that I probably won’t watch, but can you imagine this movie being made now?  It would be full of movie sex scenes with the main character (Probably played by Elizabeth Banks because she’s in everything) turning into a cat with the help of CGI.   That doesn’t really appeal to me.

Special Effects:  This is also a case of it being left to the imagination.   What Val Lewton and everyone involved in this movie has basically done is highlighted their strong points and hid the weak points.   Sure, they didn’t have a lot of money.   But they somehow managed to make that seem scarier.

Overall Verdict:   There’s only one standout problem that I have with the second film and that is from the opening sequence.   While the kids (and teacher) are playing some form of duck-duck-goose, Amy becomes “it”.   Instead of participating, she wanders off and begins talking to a butterfly as if it is her friend.   As she chases it, a boy comes over and declares he’ll get it for her.  The boy then swoops it up in his hat, only to reveal it has been crushed in his hands.   Upon seeing this, sadness sets in over Amy and she slaps the boy in the face.  In the next scene, she is shown being scolded by her teacher for such actions.    While I admit, one kid shouldn’t slap another kid, I don’t understand why the little boy went unpunished.    Sure, Amy slapped someone, but the kid kind of deserved it because he did after all kill her friend.   If someone killed an actual human friend right in front of you and your reaction was to slap the murderer, would you be punished instead of him?   It seems a little backwards to me.   And before you get into the whole argument of “But it was just a butterfly”, sure, but it was still a life he took—a higher crime than a slap in my opinion.   (I’d rather be slapped than dead)  This also could be a gateway killing.  When the kid hits double digits in age, he’ll have a b.b. gun and begin shooting birds and squirrels.   Before you know it, he’s got his driver’s license and is running over cats and dogs on purpose.   Then, when he goes off to college, bam, he’s Ed Gein.   It’s how these things typically start, trust me I watch a lot of these movies.   I know this movie was on a limited budget, but would it have been too much to ask to see this boy get punished?  A simple scene showing him leaving the principal’s office or waiting to go in next when Amy gets scolded would have sufficed. 

The Kids are Haunted

Title:  Insidious

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  James wan, Lyn Shaye, the list goes on.

Introduction:  I got this from the library for free.

Location:  Mostly within two different houses.

Plot:   When a young boy slips into a coma, the mother begins to think the house is possessed.   When they move houses, she still feels haunted.   Eventually, she is told that it is not the house that is haunted but her son.   Whoa.   If my kid was haunted, I’d sell him on eBay (No refunds/No returns).  But they keep going forward and call in what are kind of like Ghost Hunters.   They explain things that are complex but I fully believe in.  I do believe this movie could be real, which makes it more frightening in a way.   Ultimately, this movie feels like Paranormal Activity only with a plot.  It’s really a suspenseful tale and one of the best I’ve seen in a very long time.

Acting:  Obviously this movie is full of top notch actors, but I must tip my hat to the lovely Lyn Shaye who is always amazing in her roles.   This seems like a fairly big role for her and she does not disappoint.

Production:  This was a big budget movie, in the sense that it had a big theater release and all, but it actually didn’t have a huge budget like most movies do.   You think they’d have Saw money, but you’d be wrong.   This movie is, however, the most profitable movie of all of 2011 so far, meaning it cost the least to make and has made the most money.

Sex/Nudity:  Ehh…. Not so much.

Special Effects:   They are AWESOME.

Overall Verdict:  I’ve been taking a lot of issue with movie logic lately (I know, I know, suspension of disbelief), and there is one thing that bugs me about this movie.   When Lin Shaye’s character enters, she’s seen as kind of this crazy person who they don’t want to believe and thus they kind of write her off.   They only bring her back because the father character ends up going into his son’s room and finding a drawing that his son made of the devil-like creature as described by Shaye’s character.   The father character used that to justify bringing her services back, but from my skeptical eye I wondered why he didn’t just think that maybe Shaye’s character also saw that drawing and made her description based on it.   I guess that’s just the way that my mind works, though it is kind of explained later on anyway when we also learn that the father is a traveler.    It also needs to be said that while in the library recently, I overheard two girls in matching purple shirts talking about this movie.   Sure, they may have made fun of Tora Tora Tora first, but then the one girl pointed out that this was one of the best horror movies she had seen in a while.   She then went on to add her own critique that she felt like it could have had a happy ending and remained a horror movie.   Though we were in the library (and supposed to be quiet), I would have told her that Wes Craven himself wanted a happy ending for the original NOES and had that happened, well, we might not have had the franchise that we do today.   That’s just one example.

At Least "Nudist Camp Zombie Massacre" Tells It like It Is

                In my almost year long adventure of posting movie reviews (and my lifetime adventure of watching movies) one thing I have been sure to note in the review was “sex/nudity”.   Sometimes, I think about removing this category altogether because it seems like more and more movies I’m reviewing these days have neither.   This has got me thinking as to whether or not this is a sign of the times.

                When I was a youngster, I remember watching the Alien movies to see full frontal female nudity.   I remember Michelle Pfieffer in her Catwoman suit in Batman Returns.  It seems like some things never change in movies, specifically horror movies catering to teenage boys not only in a scary/gross out way but also in an “OMG BOOBIES!” way.

                I tend to find that 99.9% of the time nudity in any given horror movie is irrelevant and could easily be worked around.   A prime example of this is the shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho, which despite being something where there should be allowed nudity there was not due to camera angles and what not.   But that’s probably why Hitchcock is a master at what he does and so many other modern directors feel like if their plot is thin or their movie not so scary at least teenage boys might want to own a copy because “she has really big boobs”. 

                In the rare case when nudity is actually relevant to a plot and perhaps cannot be avoided, I don’t mind it being present in a movie.  Someone will probably somehow tie this in to some sort of sick and twisted fetish or something, but I remember in one particular horror movie the stupid college aged kids in the woods decided that even though everyone was being murdered they should still get naked and have sex.   During this scene, they naturally got killed themselves, which is what you get for stopping to fulfill your carnal desires when, you know, people around you are dying.   There was some justice in that, even though some will make the claim that horror movies like Saw and Hostel project an image of violence and gore onto the sexual mind so much so that the two cannot live apart.   To those people, I simply say it is just a movie, learn the difference between that and real life.  (As an example in another scenario, seeing a movie where someone is raped does not turn one into a rapist, now does it?  That image doesn’t make it so you can only be aroused when your other participant is not willing, right?  Well, as long as you can separate the movie from reality, then yes, you’ll be okay)

                Within any given horror movie, you never really know what to expect in terms of nudity.   Recently I watched Seconds Apart, which has no real nudity and barely a sex scene, but yet still remains a fantastic film.   On the other side of the coin, I also really enjoyed Piranha 3D which was just wrought with unabashed nudity which was 100% female.   And that’s just the thing that you have to realize.   What Eli Roth calls “the goods” in movies consists of nudity, yes, but primarily it is female nudity because it is set to cater to a male audience.   Only in such rare instances as The Tripper do we see about an equal amount of male and female nudity, but that’s because they’re crazy hippies and they all get naked—male and female alike.

                This just leads us to the development of the new movie Nudist Camp Zombie Massacre, which on name alone is sure to offend some people.    With a name like that, though, my question is not whether or not there will be nudity (duh) but whether the male and female nudity will be equally dispersed like Warner Bros. and Disney characters in Who Framed Roger Rabbit.   But, again, much like Zack and Miri Make a Porno, here is a movie that you can guarantee will have nudity and would almost be disappointed if it didn’t.   The title says it all, sure, but at least the title does tell you what to expect.  And much like Zack and Miri had some laugh out loud moments despite the obvious nudity that you knew you would see, I’m sure Nudist Camp Zombie Massacre will have some cool special effects despite the “Sex/Nudity” being defined in my hypothetical review as “Of course, duh!”  

                So what I’ve learned while watching movies and for some reason discussing in my reviews whether or not they’re heavy on the sex/nudity is simply this.   Not having nudity in a movie doesn’t automatically make it a bad movie, even in the horror movie genre.   A good example of this is the original My Bloody Valentine, which in my opinion was millions of times better than the remake.  At the same time, having nudity in your movie, even in a horror movie doesn’t automatically make your movie bad either.  The nudity doesn’t even have to be relative to the plot and your movie can still be good.  I guess what it comes down to is that nudity just doesn’t really matter when deciding whether a movie is good or not because let’s face it, Showgirls was not a good movie and that fact has nothing to do with the all of the nudity in it.  

                The only thing that I’m really left wondering now is how much of effect nudity in movies has on adolescent boys the way it did me when I was that age.   In my day (and I was one of the last for sure) we didn’t have the internet at our disposal on our cell phones and school ordered laptops where we could type something into Google and inadvertently get an image result of someone doing something we can’t talk about in mixed company.  I shudder to think what would happen if you put “nudity” or “porn” or “boobs” (I could go on, but I won’t) into a search engine.   When something like this is so readily available, I wonder if seeing the R rated nudity in movies these days even matters anymore. 

You Know, like Peter and That Lot

Title:  The Graves

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:   Bill Moseley is in this alongside Tony Todd.  It was one of the 8 Films to Die For.

Introduction:  This was purchased on clearance for $2.

Location:  Primarily in the same small town, but it looked to have some sort of location budget (or the town was just really creepy).

Plot:  Two sisters adventure on a last hurrah to find the… world’s… largest… thermometer?   Even typing that doesn’t feel right.   But yes, that is how this movie starts.   What they come to find is that this town is not only crazy but they’re also murderers.   You see, a cloud that kind of looks like the dirt that follows Pig Pen around infects these people’s minds and makes them want to kill.  I’m serious—if they ever made a real life Charlie Brown movie (please don’t) this is what Pig Pen’s mess would look like.   Anyway, these girls are in a fight for survival, which starts off almost right away and keeps going to the very end.   This is the pacing that this type of movie should have, as this movie is basically the opposite of The Reeds.

Acting:  One girl looks like a fake Jessica Biel, but you have Moseley and Tony Todd, so, you can’t go wrong.

Production:  It was in theaters, if only briefly, and looks as such.

Sex/Nudity:  Actually, no.   Though this movie does have what I like to call the P2 effect.  (Watch both movies and tell me what they share in common)

Special Effects:  When they’re there, they’re awesome.   In one scene, Bill Moseley gets his nose bitten off, which looks cool.   But in another scene, Momma gets stabbed in the face with knitting needles or something and they only show the back of her head.   So it’s hit or miss, but when you do see the blood it’s right on.

Overall Verdict:  This movie is called as such because it’s the sisters last name, not because of anything to do with a cemetery.  While the plot of it leaves something to be desired, the special effects are right on and at this point I’m only really watching most movies of this sort to see people be murdered and murdered brutally at that.  Unlike its counterpart, The Reeds, this movie delivers a much faster sort of action along with the blood I desire as a viewer.   The fact that it’s about two sisters and not a bunch of college aged kids out to party also helps in some way.  On a side note, is there really a World’s Largest Thermometer in Arizona somewhere?   And if so, did tourism drop after this movie came out?   I think that’d make an interesting documentary, whether or not the Thermometer even exists.   Side Note to the Side Note:  The stuff that controls them best can be said to look like Pig Pen’s dirt cloud, but it also kind of looks like a bunch of insects or the fart cloud we see in Ren & Stimpy.    Last Side Note:  When Bill Moseley gets his nose bitten off, he then stabs the girl that did it.  After she’s been stabbed, her sister finally knocks down Moseley’s character and kills him.   Why couldn’t the sister have done that right away his nose was bitten off and saved her from being stabbed?  I might just be over analyzing this, though, because at one time they seem to be carrying the wounded sister when moments later she’s walking around “no-selling” the injury.   And yes, to answer your question, this plot does remind me a lot of a wrestling match.   One sister falls down a hill or something (I wasn’t really paying attention) so the other takes the most punishment until baby sister comes back with a full head of steam.   Seriously, this movie should have optional commentary where it’s called like a wrestling match.   I’d do it for free.

It’s Really Just Tall Grass

Title:  The Reeds

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:   No, not really.  Aside from being a part of the 8 Films to Die For, you probably have never heard of this movie before.

Introduction:  I got this movie on clearance for $2.  No joke.

Location:  It starts in a small city type environment, then moves into a boat and ultimately winds up, well, in the reeds.   So they must have had some budget.

Plot:  This movie pretty much has elements from other movies in it, as well just being a cliché horror movie in general.  I can break it down for you in four simple parts, with no spoiler warnings because, well, you don’t really need to view this for yourself.

1)      A group of college aged kids (ugh) decide to rent a boat to party on or whatever.   When the guys try and get it, they find out that the boat that was meant for them was damaged by the previous renters.   The guy basically tells them “No boat for you”, but they insist and eventually end up getting a boat for rent.   This part of the plot is not only cliché, it bugs the crap out of me because it has “veering off the chosen road and onto the dirty path” written all over it.   Most horror movies wouldn’t occur if people just stayed on the highway instead of taking the back roads because it’s this awesome shortcut this hillbilly told them about.   This is pretty much like that.   The guy who rents the boats says your boat is not available, so you go home and find something else to do.   Pushing the issue will only result in, well, this awful movie.

2)      While on the boat, they hit something which impales one of the passengers and causes them to stop (also leaving them open to being killed).    This is basically like a scene out of Rogue or Hatchet, take your pick.  We’ve all seen this one before.

3)      As her friends slowly (and I mean SLOWLY because this movie drags) start dying off, the one girl realizes that the killer has been doing this for years and one of the first victims was her mom or some such nonsense.   It’s probably intended to be this huge OMG moment, but in all honestly, it just falls flatter than a fart in church.    Of course, at this point in the movie I was less interested in the plot and just wanted to see people brutally murdered.   Le Sigh.

4)      In the end, they jump back to a scene where the main character almost runs over a little girl who was once her mother.   Wait, if her mom was killed as a little girl, how was this present tense girl even born?  Ugh.   And now, after sitting through an hour and a half of this crap, we’re supposed to just accept the fact that none of it ever happened and it was all a split second dream she had?   Whatever, Mr. Director.  I hope you get stuck on an endless flight somewhere and the only movie they show is Norbit.

Acting:  There are two main characters who kind of remind me of Rose and Mickey from Dr. Who, but otherwise, you know… They talk with accents, so that covers up any poor acting skills they may possess.

Production:  It looks like it could have been in theaters, and obviously it was for the 8F2D4 showcase, but still…

Sex/Nudity:  Surprisingly, none.  I was expecting some sort of sex scene to really “enhance” the plot because it seemed to be going nowhere rather slowly.  Oh, but, the lack of nudity is not a reason to watch this movie or avoid it.  Just try and fathom the plot and you’ll decide this movie is best left unwatched.

Special Effects:  When the spike or whatever goes through the guy it doesn’t look that bad, but this movie also could have had (and would have been much better) with a whole lot more blood and gore.

Overall Verdict:  While there are many movies you could watch instead of this movie and still get the overall feel for it, I still feel like this movie is just a wasted hour and a half.   Only if you are an 8F2D4 completionist  or whatever I am should you watch this movie.

Heh, You’re The Weird

Title:  The Good The Bad The Weird

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  It’s Korean, if that helps you any.

Introduction:  I got this from the library.

Location:  This movie had a pretty good budget because it takes place all over the place and has scenes involving trains.

Plot:  There are three main characters, obviously, in this movie and they are all somehow connected to a treasure map of sorts which is supposed to be brought in by someone but The Weird ends up with it.  The thing you have to understand about this movie is that, even up until the very last scene, it’s always moving and there’s always something going on.   To explain the plot would be to give you a play by play of the entire movie.   It’s action, it’s comedy, it’s everything a movie should be, honestly.

Acting:  It’s subtitled, but they seem to be really into it.

Production:  It looks like it was made for theaters.

Sex/Nudity:  No, no there isn’t.

Special Effects:  They’re quite good.

Overall Verdict:  For some reason (don’t ask me why) I really like western movies, but I like the odd western movies.  I find it hard to get into a straight western movie, even something like 3:10 to Yuma was good but I don’t ever see myself owning that DVD.   For whatever reason though, I really like westerns when the cowboys are Asian.  Don’t ask me why, I just think it’s cool for some reason.   This movie is like Suki Yaki Western Django in ways, except since it’s not Takashi Miike, it doesn’t have quite as much blood and guts.  In fact, it’s much more light hearted in a comedic way than something Miike would do, which is why there would also be room for this movie in my DVD collection.   This is definitely a movie worth multiple viewings.