Where the $%#@ Did We Park?

Title:  Subterano

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  The female lead in this is Tasma Walton, who  I don’t remember from also being in Safety In Numbers.

Introduction:  I got it on eBay for an undisclosed amount.

Location:  There is a scene in a kid’s bedroom where he’s developed this great new game, then there is a scene at a video game based club (think Hackers), but otherwise, these ninety minutes or so all take place within a parking garage.  You could probably film this movie without anyone even knowing if the security guard was a friend of yours.

Plot:  A group of four dumb kids- two guys, two girls- a cop type guy and his partner (who is female), a woman who works in the building and is quite angry, and Scruffy the Janitor are all trapped inside a giant parking garage which turns into a video game called, you guessed it, subterano, which is sort of but not really explained in the beginning of the movie.   This whole video game come to life plot has been done a thousand times over it seems, from Tron to eXistenZ, but apparently it hadn’t been done in Australia yet.   This movie really is more sci-fi than horror or thriller, so I feel kind of cheated having been lead to believe there’d be anything resembling horror or even the slightest bit thrilling involved.   It’s a tired plot that has been done before and, yes, it will probably be done again.

Acting:  The acting isn’t bad, but it’s not great.   There’s one scene in particular, which has a neat effect, where one of the girls is strung up in a torture rack/spider web looking thing and she keeps screaming over and over again about how she’s going to the mountain.   I would assume that scene was as cool, and then as instantly as embarrassing when she started screaming that, for the directors, cast, crew, and everyone else as it was for me.

Production:  As this movie takes place pretty much in a parking garage, it has the production value as such.  Some scenes aren’t very well lit, but there are a lot of shadows in parking lots, right?  While this movie could have been made in the 1980’s (more on that later) it does come off looking like a “major motion picture”, more or less.

Sex/Nudity:  There is one scene where the woman who works there asks the kids to see their identification and they all pull down their pants and show her their backsides, but otherwise, this movie has none of that.   Most likely that fact is due to this being like a real life video game and it isn’t The Sims or whatever Tracy Jordan invented. 

Special Effects:  As stated before, the graphics in this movie look like they could be from the 1980’s or 1990’s at best.  I find it hard to swallow that this movie was made after the year 2000, but it claims it was.  If this was a 1983 to 1995 era release, then it would have awesome special effects.   Let’s just say that the voice of the video game they’re stuck in is pretty much a rip off of Jigsaw, just that low pitched voice altered sound.

Overall Verdict:  I would only recommend this movie to you If you’ve seen Tron too many times and are looking for something else that’s less good and more like Tron in a parking garage.   I wouldn’t watch it again unless I got really bored because, honestly, twice was enough (I fell asleep through it the first time). 

How About A Little Fire?

Title:  Scarecrow

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  The music in this movie is done by “The Bulldog” and the scarecrow character is played by Todd Rex.  (Yeah, me neither)

Introduction:  eBay bids gone wrong.

Location:  This takes place in a small town with several locales.   A lot of time is spent in a cornfield, sure, but there are also houses, a trailer, a restaurant and a school.   Somebody pulled some strings to get this movie made.

Plot:  A high school aged kid- Lester- has problems fitting in and making friends, probably because his name is Lester.  At one point early on in the movie, Lester actually goes into a cornfield and wonders aloud to a scarecrow why life can’t be simple and like it is for the scarecrow.  Obviously, Lester never saw The Wizard of Oz.  So Lester kind of makes friends with this one girl, after another girl rejects him, and then he sees her kissing another guy.  In a fit of rage, he tells his mom’s boyfriend of the hour (who has a terrible mustache and wig) off, only to be chased down and then murdered by this redneck boyfriend of his mom’s.   Confusing?  The only thing confusing is why law is lawless in this town.  Lester’s “soul” (?) somehow ends up going into the scarecrow he dies underneath, and then the scarecrow comes to life and starts killing people, mainly avenging everyone who was mean to him.   The obvious plot holes are that no one questions it when the boyfriend says Lester kills himself (They didn’t question how he could have hung himself, dust for prints, nothing like that), yet when the scarecrow starts killing people there’s a full on investigation.   Also, it’s pretty obvious that the best way to stop a scarecrow is fire, duh.   In any event, we’ve all probably been through what this kid- Lester- has gone through (aside from his name), but how many of us turn into scarecrows and go kill the people who called us names in high school?  Why, if I murdered everyone who picked on me in high school, well… let’s not open that can of worms, shall we?  The point is, high school is stupid, yes, but you persevere through it and when it’s all said and done, you become a stronger person for it.  Turning into a scarecrow and killing kids after your possibly-soon-to-be stepfather accidentally murders you and makes it look like you killed yourself… it’s just not the answer.  Although I guess if the revenge didn’t involve killing, it wouldn’t be a horror movie, now would it?  It’d be The New Guy or Mean Girls.

Acting:  From the first real scene of dialogue, anyone can tell that they’re going to be in for a long movie of overacting.  When you portray a character that isn’t yourself, you should see that character as an extension of yourself.  That’s acting 101.  But nothing these actors say sounds even the least bit like it would come out of their mouth in real life.   I don’t blame the script (at least not entirely), but it’s more like the kids reading lines as if they’re reading lines.  None of the dialogue in this movie sounds natural because of the poor acting.  Does the movie suffer for it?  Not really, because you still want the characters to just die already, no matter how good the acting is.

Production:  It’s pretty close to what you would see in theaters, but not quite 100% there.

Sex/Nudity:  Some moments in the movie get close to it, but they never actually have any of these moments, a definite plus in wanting to see this movie come back for a sequel.

Special Effects:  One guy gets his head cut off and blood comes spurting out in the typical slasher way.  Most of the other effects are on par with that, though they don’t have that many as a lot of the killing scenes are shown only after the fact with cut screens. 

Overall Verdict:  I keep saying that we need new horror movie monsters that can reoccur, like Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, etc., and this scarecrow could be a decent franchise.  It’s kind of like how Jason Vorhees originated, and sure, he sounds like Randy Savage through a Burger King drive thru speaker, but hey, he’s a villain.  He’s kind of just in what he does, but it’s still murder and a bit too far, kind of one of those conflicted anti-heroes.   Suppose another high school kid down the line is being bullied and Lester the Scarecrow helps him out by murdering his tormentors, only to learn a possibly valuable lesson in the end.   This sequel writes itself. 

I Support Reality Star Death

Title:  Safety In Numbers

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Nope.

Introduction: This DVD was obtained on eBay, for an undisclosed sum.  I was going to review the remake of A Nightmare On Elm Street, but stopped watching it when I realized Robert Englund wouldn’t be Freddy.  Sorry, I’m sure it’s good for what it is, but yeah.   I wouldn’t watch an Indiana Jones remake with Richard Gere, now would I?

Location:  While this movie starts in a basement or apartment, it takes place primarily on an island.  I’d say they needed a budget or someone who had access to an island, but this entire movie was shot in Australia.   Australia is an island, right?  So there you go.  Walk over to your local beach and film this movie.

Plot:  This movie centers around one character- Wesley- trying to get his revenge on a group of other characters, all of which appeared on the same Survivor type show as him, though it was called something else for legal reasons.  They planted seeds in the beginning of the movie as to who was mad and why, thus making the actual killer a “surprise”, but hey, I’m all for the idea of seeing reality show contestants lured to an island under false pretenses and killed off one by one.

Acting:  The actors were all from Australia, so they all had accents.  If you have an accent, you’re automatically a good actor (Or better than the American bad actors at least).

Production:  Some of this movie is shown via an actual hand held video camera, but for the most part it’s shot just a level below what you’re theater movie would come out looking like.

Sex/Nudity:  None that I can recall, which is good.   Though I must point out that the main character who was trying to allude the villain (she was a Radha Mitchell type actress) wore these pants that stopped just below her knees—too short to be pants, too long to be shorts.  They probably have a special fashion name, but just for wearing those, I wanted her to die.

Special Effects:  The majority of the special effects come off as slight of hand.  In one scene, a girl is about to get bashed in the head with a giant log on a rope.   Instead of seeing what should come out looking like a watermelon exploding though, we see nothing.  The scene just fades to black.   While effective, this is also anticlimactic.   There is some blood here and there, but most of it is done after the fact and looks like it could be done by people who never even tried before.

Overall Verdict:  Toward the end of this movie, when all of her friends are almost dead, the main girl you don’t want to die is being chased by the villain and then… he gets caught in one of his own traps.   In the mindset of seeing annoying reality contestants die, yes, this movie does intrigue me and this guy isn’t really a villain, per se, but rather someone I want to see accomplish this task.   But when the guy is tripping on his own traps, it’s hard to get behind him.   Whatever happened to the Freddys, Jasons and Leatherfaces?   This guy won’t be a movie monster (Mainly because his name is also Wesley), so just go remake another movie from the past Hollywood.   I’d say if you were bored enough you should watch this movie, as I’ve seen better but I’ve also seen a lot worse.

Rent Me Your Summer Camp?

Title:  Camp Slaughter

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie has Matt Dallas in it, probably before he did Kyle XY, a fact which I did not realize until after I had purchased this movie.  It should also be noted that after it was filmed, the name was changed to Camp Slaughter and all new artwork was made for the DVD case.   This lead there being photos of people not even in the movie on the front of the DVD telling you to watch it.   Why the original actors never came back for the chance to be on the cover of this DVD, I do not know.

Introduction:  I bought this movie, along with several others, as part of a sale at Games Plus.  I believe it came out to be something like $3.33 for it when all was said and done.

Location:  Though the main four cast members are driving at first, they eventually end up at a camp, which is where this entire movie then takes place.  It could have been shot somewhere else with sets, but most likely someone just knew someone (or called in some favors) and borrowed a camp that wasn’t open and used it while shooting took place.

Plot:  A group of kids, in a tricked out SUV, end up stranded off the beaten path only to awake and be thrust back into the 1980’s.   It’s totally (haha, totally) a throwback to 1980’s camp movies, but with the whole people getting killed thing thrown into the mix.  Anyway, after people start dying, and toward the very end of the movie, one of the characters explains the basic plot of the movie.  He was supposed to be watching some kids swim or something, he wasn’t, they drowned, and now every day the camp relives that same day.  People can die one day, but the next morning they’ll wake up and be fine.  In order for people to get out of this twisted cycle, they need to be replaced by others.   It’s kind of like that Bill Murray movie Groundhog’s Day… if the groundhog was trying to kill you.

Acting:  This is Matt Dallas’ first movie (probably) and as far as I know, no one else went onto do anything of value.   Don’t get me wrong, the 1980’s characters should be over the top, but this just was what it was.   Not good enough acting to make you completely buy into the illusion, but not bad enough acting to where you have to laugh at it sometimes (Though you will laugh at it sometimes).

Production:  It looks like your basic camp movie.  If you told me this was filmed using the same skill set as, say, Wet Hot American Summer, I’d be inclined to believe you.

Sex/Nudity:  Not a lot of this.  And that’s a good thing.

Special Effects:  Much like the acting, these were just middle of the road- nothing stands out.  I don’t have a definitive scene in mind of what the best example is in this movie or that one scene you must see, but it wasn’t too cheesy or poorly done either.   It just kind of was what it was, which seems to be the mediocre mantra for this entire movie.

Overall Verdict:  After viewing it once, I don’t know whether or not I’d want to watch it again.  If you like the Matt Dallas appeal or just want to engage in a somewhat interesting horror movie, then, sure, put this one on.  It may work its way into one day becoming one of my favorites, because I can’t seem to find anything wrong with it.   But I also can’t really find anything good that stands out about it either.

Was Nightmare Woman Taken?

Title:  Nightmare Man

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Nightmare Man is part of the 2008 “8 Films To Die For” series presented by After Dark Horrorfest.   It neither stars nor is directed/written by anyone of much note.

Introduction:  I bought this DVD at Walgreens for four dollars strictly because it was part of the 8 Films To Die For series.

Location:  This movie takes place during a car ride and then in a cabin and the woods surrounding a cabin.  Not too high of a budget for location at all, since they really just had to rent a house (or use one for free from a generous friend).

Plot:  This movie has the classic two part plot, where Plot A meets Plot B and thrusts a great deal of mayhem and chaos whilst doing such.   The beginning of the movie focuses on a character (played by Blythe Metz) who believes to have the Nightmare Man inside of her, so her husband is taking her to be committed.   (Awww, how sweet)  On the way there, the car battery dies and this woman is stalked by the Nightmare Man until she runs through the woods and finds a cabin which is playing party to, you guessed it, a bunch of drunken/stupid college aged kids.   There are two couples (two guys, two girls) and although the two girls seem to have a “college experimental type” history together, one of the girls is engaged to one of the guys.  This is only worth noting because when his fiancé dies, the guy stands up and vows to avenge her death.  However, halfway through his little speech, he himself is shot with an arrow and dies.   Did I mention that the main weapons in this movie are guns and a crossbow?  Kind of weak on the special effects, but more on that later.   So this woman wreaks havoc on these kids, and it’s really just a matter of wrong place/wrong time for them.   I mean, sure, they’re stupid, but the only reason why they start getting picked off one by one is because this crazy lady just happened to show up in their woods.   Then this movie takes its first twist, as it is shown that the husband was behind the attempted murder of his wife all along and she is not really crazy.   Whew!  That makes sense.   But wait, there’s more!   Said crazy lady then turns into the Nightmare Man (growing horns and colorful face paint), revealing that she wasn’t crazy all along.    It’s kind of cliché as far as plots go (it’s not the most original idea ever), but there are enough twists and turns for it to stand as a good movie premise. 

Acting:  The acting in this is actually fairly decent.  No one that I can tell has been in anything else worth noting, but these kids do pull it off quite well.   The ladies- especially the two who have the Nightmare Man inside of them- do the best job and I’d look for them to make mainstream horror movies if I was making them.

Production:  It looks like a movie you’d go see in theaters.   It probably had a budget.

Sex/Nudity:  There is a small amount of nudity (mostly just boobs) and some innuendo and talk of sex, but no real full on sex scenes, thank goodness.  They start playing truth or dare, but are quickly interrupted before the girl even takes her shirt off, so yeah, it’s got boobs and that’s about it.

Special Effects:  There is however one scene where the girl shows her boyfriend her butt.  As she lifts up her skirt and sticks her head through her legs, she doesn’t notice until it’s too late that her boyfriend eats an arrow.  This is the defining moment in the special effects of this all- some stupid kid attached to a tree courtesy of an arrow.   It’s a sight worth seeing, if only for that, as the rest of the effects were about what you would expect them to be with arrows shot in various areas (but nothing too violent) and guns.

Overall Verdict:  I actually really liked this movie.  As far as horror movies go, it wasn’t very scary and it didn’t really leave me wanting the kids to survive (or the crazy lady—or anyone for that matter), but it got the job done of watching them all get picked off one by one until the end, and until a new Nightmare Man was born.  They’d probably totally Cabin Fever a sequel to this movie, but for what it was, the plot was good, and so was the production value and acting.   You should see it.

Going To The Chapel… Going To Get Buried

Title:  Wedding Slashers

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie doesn’t star anyone you probably know and it was directed by Carlos Scott, who is no relation to Ridley and Tony.

Introduction:  This movie came from Walgreens for four dollars.  I mainly bought it because I thought the title was clever and had seen such generally bad reviews of it online.

Location:  They’re… going to the chapel and they’re… going to get buried…  This movie takes place primarily in a church, as the time is mostly the day of the wedding.  Though it could just be a VFW or something of equal value because, well, what makes an inside of a church, right?  (And they didn’t show a lot of the typical “inside of the church” things you’d think you’d see).

Plot:  This girl has some kind of curse put on her, which she eventually ends up explaining.  See, she was supposed to marry her cousin (or brother or something, does it matter?  Inbreeding is inbreeding, people!) and then she got out of it somehow and now every time she tries to get married her family kills everyone involved.   It’s kind of like a Disney movie and she’s just waiting for her handsome prince to come along and save her.   As far as stories go, I’ve heard a lot of the curse stories, but I don’t believe I’d heard this one before.   Definite points for a new spin on a classic idea.

Acting:  Nothing too bad, nothing too good.  It flowed and got me sucked in, but if I never see any of these people in a movie again…

Production:  It had good production value, actually.  Think of most any movie you’ve seen that involves a wedding scene and that’s what this is like.   One big, long, bloody wedding scene.

Sex/Nudity:  Nope.  Not really.   Just people getting killed.

Special Effects:  The single scene that is still my favorite in this movie is when she is being chased by (I think) her brother.  He pulls a knife from out of nowhere (I mean, he’s wearing overalls, and it’s one of those kitchen knives that the blade doesn’t retract so anywhere he had it on his person would’ve resulted in him stabbing himself), but the best part is he does so while chasing this girl in perhaps the single slowest chase scene ever.   While watching it I actually thought the chase scene was filmed in slow motion and it might have been.   Oh, it’s hilarious.

Overall Verdict:  You should see this movie.   I’m going to watch it again and again.   And laugh and laugh and laugh.

Review: The Midnight Horror Collection: Road Trip To Hell (DVD)

The Midnight Horror Collection: Road Trip To Hell

Copyright 2010 Echo Bridge Home Entertainment (www.echobridgehe.com)

                In this DVD set, purchased at Wal-Mart for a whole five dollars, we have a total of four movies, so I shall take them one by one (and in the order which I watched them).

Sheltered  (directed by Josh Stoddard)– This movie was set around a group of college aged kids who were on their way to who cares and got caught in a tropical storm.   They went into a bar, which wasn’t open, and that was their first mistake.  They insisted the owner let them stay, and as the storm got worse, they decided to go stay at his house with him.   First off, why do you go into a bar that looks closed?  Secondly, why do you then follow the bartender to his house?  I guess only a hurricane can make sense of this.   Naturally when they go to his house people start dying and everyone blames the screw up brother instead of being able to see what’s right under their noses.   The acting in this movie wasn’t completely terrible, but as far as plot goes, this is one of the worst because they immediately take the mystery out of it for you, yet leave the entire cast guessing.   You just want all of these characters to die, the faster the better.   Other than on the road and in the bar, the only other location they really have is this house where the bulk of the movie takes place.   No budget for location or big name actors needed, you think they could have invested some more money into making really cool looking death scenes, right?  Wrong.  Most of the death scenes are a downgrade from American Psycho.   If you feel the need to watch this movie, I must warn you- you might fall asleep through it.

Feeding Grounds  (A Film By Junior Bonner)– Many abandoned cars line this highway and they are all… abandoned.  Yes, there is this part of the desert where people go to die.   This movie actually starts with two women who end up going to this part of the desert.   They are happy and in love and almost have a sex scene.  One proposes marriage, the other accepts.   Shortly thereafter, they are at each other’s throats and screaming for water.   They throw up this stuff that looks like tapioca pudding and then disappear and apparently die.   This sets the stage for a group of four guys who meet up with a group of four girls and are on their way to a cabin somewhere.   But one of the relatives won’t give up the cabin until later, so they end up stopping in this part of the desert where people get angry, throw up and die.  The locations in this movie consist of a street, a driving scene, a park or some such place with a swing set, and then of course the desert part of it.   The actors aren’t bad, but it isn’t a wonder why none of them has done anything of note.   So, naturally, they all start getting picked off, dying one by one.   The worst part is that they throw up and then just kind of fade away, off screen.   No cool special effects with the death scenes here.   And wait- what’s this- some drama?  During the movie, it’s revealed that the four guys used to be in a band together.   One guy, who was the drummer, is really mad at another guy who ruined it for them by doing what the label told him to do.  Does this make any sense to anyone?  Did this need to be a part of this movie?  Or was this just thrown in here so they could put in an extra ten minutes worth of dialogue?   Either way, it never gets resolved.   Like that groundhog, it just sort of comes up and then goes away.   Pointless and unexplained.    But not to worry, you’ll at least see this radio rock poseurs die gruesome deaths.   Oh wait, right…  The monster in this movie consists of vomiting and fading into the distance.   Funny how John Wayne never died when he did that at the end of all of his movies.

Hell’s Highway  (written and directed by Jeff Leroy) – This movie takes place along one stretch of road, which is dubbed Hell’s Highway.  There is a scene where our main four characters camp out for the night (which includes a much unnecessary sex scene) and then a lab at the end, but otherwise, it looks like they just shot this on a road somewhere.  Our four main kids pick up a hitchhiker, complete with the driver saying the line “A lot of pornos start out this way”, after someone warns him a lot of horror movies start out this way.  So they pick up this chick who is probably the devil and she tries to kill them all, blah blah blah, they run wild and try to drive around and avoid her while still running into her at every turn.   In the middle of this exists a small piece where this devil lady is picked up by- and kills- a character played by Ron Jeremy.  I guess that would explain the pointless sex scene, although he wasn’t in it, so who knows.   So giving Ron Jeremy a paycheck (But it’s debatable as to whether or not he gets a real check, as he’s trying to make it as a real actor in this movie) and driving up and down a road is pretty much where this movie spends its money.  The audio is horrible and the characters sound like they swallowed microphones.  So there should be some good death scenes, right?  Ah, but there is one!   This devil lady- her name is Lucinda- actually gets run over… then backed up and run over again.   Her head (and intestines) then get stuck underneath the car, so as they drive away (after getting out to check) they drag the corpse behind them in what can only be described as a comical fashion.   So far, this one scene has made buying this entire four pack of movies worthwhile.   Did I also mention that you can clearly see the editing job where they substitute the real Lucinda for a dummy that gets run over?  It’s so funny, yet like something out of Troma.    In the end of this movie, one girl survives and is picked up by the government, who tells her that they’ve been doing clone testing and that’s why it appears as if this Lucinda wouldn’t die.  But then, at the last minute, she comes back in Terminator style (complete with one eye blown up) and blows everyone away.   The end.   And this movie felt like a good hour and a half to hour and forty minutes, but it was just over an hour long.   Oh well.  That one part where she got run over is really all anyone needed to see in this movie.

The Craving (directed by Sean Dillon) – Basing a movie around a group of kids heading to Burning Man instantly makes me want them to die.   There are five kids in a van, and the one guy drives while the other two couples get it on in the back for the beginning of this movie.  I’ll never understand why horror movies include sex scenes unless if during said sex scene someone is going to die.  The sex scene in a horror movie- if one even need exist- should be reserved for when the characters are at their most vulnerable peak.  This makes it perfect for the monster (or in some cases, the lack thereof) to strike.  Anyway, “the craving” apparently has something to do with feeding some monster, which is why in the beginning of the movie some guy stole another guy’s dog.   I’m just kidding, I don’t know why he stole that dog and no one ever will because the Burning Man kids shot him.   These kids then get stuck in this barn (and running around) for most of the movie trying to avoid said monster.   This movie clocks in at the longest time of the four movies, about 105 minutes, but it really doesn’t have much more of a plot.   The acting is still fairly terrible, and there isn’t a lot of money spent on location either.  The only thing I can say about this movie is that they do manage to pull off some pretty good gore.  That kind of makes it worthwhile, but this whole movie just makes me feel like I’ve seen it before.

Verdict:  The winner in this four pack is Hell’s Highway, based on being hilarious.  It’s the only movie of these four I’d consider watching again or recommend anyone else watch.   Is it worth the five dollars paid for it?   Definitely.