CREATED SLANG: "phonebooth"

phonebooth  (adj.)  A movie that takes place in one primary location.   This is in reference to the 2002 Colin Ferrell movie of the same name.

Why I Don’t Get The Newspaper

Title:  Premonition

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Probably not, no.

Introduction:  I got this DVD from Netflix because it’s part of a J-Horror Theater series and also because there is a U.S. remake of it I’ve never seen because I hate Sandra Bullock.

Location:  All over Japan, so they had a budget.

Plot:  A man reads about an accident in a newspaper that says his daughter dies right before it happens.   The newspaper continues to stalk this guy, predicting death for people he knows, but he can’t interfere and mess up the order of things or death finds someone else or finds another way.   It becomes quite an elaborate plot with lots of spinning that you’re just waiting on the edge of your seat to see how it will all play out.

Acting:  I was reading subtitles, but I totally bought into all of it.

Production:  It looks like a recent movie from theaters, yeah, it’s good.

Sex/Nudity:  None.

Special Effects:  This movie isn’t really heavy on the blood, but a lady gets run over by a truck and that looks pretty realistic.

Overall Verdict:  This is actually a really great movie.   It’s not ghosts and vampires scary, or slasher movie-like scary, but it’s suspenseful.   Still, it doesn’t give me much hope for the American version of it.   You should watch this and ignore the U.S. version—that’s my prediction already.

Apparently, New Jersey Is In Texas

Title:  Hoboken Hollow

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie has an “associate producer” credit or some such nonsense for Anthony Michael Hall.   This movie “stars” C. Thomas Howell, Dennis Hopper, Michael Madsen and Robert Carradine (who went from leading nerds to victory to running a ranch apparently).   I would also be remised if I didn’t mention the awesome Lyn Shaye having a small role in here.

Introduction: The second movie in the Midnight Horror Collection titled “Bloody Slashers” that I watched.  After Room 33 and before Curtains.   Only one left after Curtains, what what.

Location:  Not New Jersey!   This movie takes place primarily on a ranch in Texas, which doesn’t have electricity.  It must have had some good AMH money because they have some pretty extensive locations, such as driving on the road and a rest stop like shop run by Lyn Shaye.

Plot:  A rancher (and his crazy family) pick up illegal immigrants and drifters and make them work for room and board.   The catch?  If you’re bad at what you’re expected to do, or try to leave, they kill you.   And, for no reason at all or if they just happen to not like you, they might kill you any way.  There are some facts in the beginning and the end of the movie and it states it’s based on actual events.  While that could be feasible, I just don’t think it happened.   Could it be happening now?  Most definitely.  Was it happening before this movie was made?  Probably not.   I’d say this movie has a case of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Acting:  There are some decent actors in here, but the ones you don’t know by name just seem off.   The hicks are especially cartoonish.

Production:  This is a straight to DVD release from 2006 and that’s about what it looks like.

Sex/Nudity:  No, thank goodness because everyone in this movie is made up to look ugly and dirty.

Special Effects:  In one scene, a guy gets run over and his body literally detaches from his foot, leaving his flesh inside the boot.   It’s pretty gruesome, but also pretty cool.   It has good special effects and the blood does run aplenty. 

Overall Verdict:  Not my favorite horror movie ever because both the plot and acting leave something to be desired, but still nonetheless a movie I didn’t mind sitting through half as much as many others I’ve seen.

This Movie Should Die

Title:  Curtains

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  The movie that this guy is about is a director, and he also happens to be the real director.  I mean, he’s not directing and acting, but they share a name.   You still probably don’t know who any of these people are.

Introduction:   The third movie I am watching from the Midnight Horror Collection entitled “Bloody Slashers”. 

Location:  Several  different buildings, as people have meetings and perform plays and, well, you know, just all around do things that actors and directors do.

Plot:  Six actresses show up to audition for Jonathan Stryker’s latest movie.   One by one, they start dying off.   Who is behind it?   Who really cares?  Can they die any faster?  In theory, this movie should pose some sort of compassion where you’re concerned with the well being of the actresses (or at least one of them) and are convinced as to who is doing the killing.  However, if you want anything less than for this entire cast to die as quickly and least painfully as you as possible, then you’re watching a different movie.

Acting:  The main woman is over the top even for soap opera standards and the main guy sounds like he wants to be Orson Welles.   Does that tell you anything?

Production:  This movie looks to be from the early 1980’s or even late 1970’s.   If it was made any time after 1985, the production really sucks.

Sex/Nudity:  No, but there is some REALLY lame stand up by this lady who wants to become an actress but she can’t tell a joke.   There is a hot tub scene though, but it’s really dark so you mostly you see only silhouettes.    Plus, it’s, you know, a half an hour into the movie, at which point I doubt anyone is even watching any more.

Special Effects:  I wanted these people to die so badly…

Overall Verdict:  This movie is an hour and a half too long, and it’s only 89 minutes.   If you buy this four pack, you can skip this one, coocoohead!!

The Sequel Will Be “Room 33 1/3”

Title:  Room 33

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Do you know who Edward Barbarini is?  Yeah, me neither, but he directed this movie.

Introduction:  This is one of four films on the Midnight Horror Collection entitled “Bloody Slashers”.   The DVD was purchased at Wal-Mart for $5, making this movie worth about $1.25.   It was a good deal!

Location:  They start out driving on the road, but most of the film takes place inside what used to be a psychiatric hospital.   Much like Subterano existed simply by someone using a parking garage for the location, this just needed some sort of abandoned building and the right props.   I really want to come up with a name for these movies that generally take place in only one location.  Is there one?  Someone tell me, I can’t be expected to do my own research!!

Plot:  A group of two guys and three girls are travelling in a van to some roller derby game near Washington state.   They stop and pick up a guy and a girl who have had a car accident (rookie mistake number one).    They keep driving straight on the same road for four hours and finally reach a sign that says the road is closed and they can’t go any further.   The driver- who looks like the blue love child of Jemaine Clement and Judah Friedlander- decided to wait to get gas, so they don’t have enough to get the eighty miles or so back to the last town (rookie mistake number two).  Then suddenly they notice a sign that says “private drive” or something, I don’t remember, it should have said “come off the beaten path and die” because that’s what they usually turn out meaning in horror movies.   Being the smart, about-to-die youngsters that they are, they of course go up the trail off the beaten path by foot (rookie mistake number three).   Oh, but one girl stays behind to skate around.  Yup, you guessed it--  rookie mistake number four:  She who skates alone, dies alone.   The remaining six end up in this building, which they mistake for a retirement home, where they meet this girl Roxy who is all sorts of messed up.   Then they all start dying one by one and, well, you can probably see where this is going.  Most of these characters are standard cookie cutter molds you would read about in film school (Or in a book like, “How To Make Horror Movies”), but the one blonde is pretty funny because she just refuses to listen to anyone or believe anything is going wrong.  Actual line of dialogue from the film:  “So what if all my friends are dead?  That doesn’t prove anything!  And… ummm… I’ve got a baseball bat!!”  Okay, so maybe that was never really said, but she did manage to kill her friend (on accident?) with said baseball bat, which just made this movie even more terrifying.   Sticking it out through this plot to see the blonde dies is both rewarding and unfulfilling. 

Acting:  It’s not bad, but it’s not great.   Here is how I would recast this movie, though, and make it a big budget movie for theaters.   Guy who is in charge of the roller girls team:  Nick Cannon.   Guy who is videotaping it all:  Jemaine Clement with a Judah Friedlander look.   Guy who they pick up because his car broke down:  Jensen Ackles.  Girl who they pick up with him:  Rebecca Gayheart.  Girl who is blonde and real tough:  Paris Hilton (Yes, the acting would be a step up)  Everyone else:  Who cares.

Production:  It looks like a 2009 straight to DVD movie.

Sex/Nudity:  There is one scene when they’re about to have sex, and in another scene you see the same blonde girl’s underpants, but you know, nothing too obscene.   They really don’t need to be doing such things when someone is out there trying to kill them, but what can you do?

Special Effects:  The majority of the effects here are “after shots”.  You never truly see much happen, which is disappointing yet cost effective.   Rather than do anything creative, they just cut scene and then have the actress lay down on the ground with fake blood you can buy during Halloween on her head.

Overall Verdict:  I’ve definitely seen worse movies.   Sure, the acting leaves something to be desired and the plot is generic and they follow every cliché in the book, but, you know… Where was I going with this?  It was all right.   It had its moments where it could have probably actually scared someone.   It wasn’t the best by far, but it wasn’t the worst either.

Gas Masks!!! GAS MASKS!!!!

Title:  The Crazies (1973)

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This is the original version directed by George A. Romero of a remake that came out recently.   Does that make sense?

Introduction:  It wasn’t at the library and I didn’t want to chance it by straight out buying it (It doesn’t sell too cheap either) so I got this from Netflix.    Funny how Netflix has become my last resort for watching movies, when there was a time they were my first choice.

Location:  It takes place in a town that becomes infected.   They had a modest budget I’m sure, but nothing too big.

Plot:  It’s sort of like the new one, except instead of seeming like something is coming after these people it comes across more as this sort of anti-war movie.   You know how they used to have all the nuclear tests with the “duck and cover” situations?  I don’t know, man, the seventies were a different time.   This movie probably scared people back then, but it looks pretty tame now in comparison.   It mostly comes off as just a lot of people in gas masks pointing guns in the faces of children and telling them to leave the town or risk turning into the newest member of the X-Men.

Acting:  It’s pretty good… for the seventies.

Production:  It’s on par with movies from this time frame and George A. Romero flicks.

Sex/Nudity:  It was the seventies, come on, was that even legal back then?

Special Effects:  For the mild blood they had, it looked like what you’d expect from a 1970’s horror movie.

Overall Verdict:  This isn’t a bad movie, but it’s also not as great as I thought it would be.   The poster for this movie is a lot cooler than the movie itself, but hey, how many movies can we say that about?  (A LOT!)   If you’re not a diehard Romero or horror fan, you probably won’t like this—it’s not even really traditional horror.

The Worst Gay Marriage Movie Ever

Title: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie has Adam Sandler and Kevin James in it.  You probably remember it being in theaters… unless you’re a Sandler fan.

Introduction:  I got this from the library and watched it for a second time.  I always see it at Wal-Mart for $5 so was wondering if I should buy it or not.  Let me tell you, it isn’t worth one dollar, so I’m glad I refreshed my memory before buying it.

Location:  All over New York City (basically a big kiss ass movie after the events of 9/11 coupled with a budget they obviously didn’t know how to spend)

Plot:  As a firefighter, you risk death every day; this is very true and very serious.   Should a firefighter die, who gets the benefits?   The spouse will, if they are married and you do the paperwork in enough time.  But when your wife dies, what do you do?   Of course, you pretend to be gay to marry your best friend and make sure your kids have the best possible future should something happen to you.   I know there are people who probably are offended by this movie because it isn’t exactly gay friendly.  While official spokespeople for GLADD have stated that the film has a good overall message, I still am offended by this movie and I’m not even gay.   This movie insults both firefighters and the risks that they take by putting their lives on the line to save yours, and it isn’t exactly sending the best message to those out there who still oppose gay marriage.   ~Oh, but, Josh, it’s supposed to be light hearted.  It’s a comedy.  Stop taking it so seriously~   Yeah… I’ll believe all that once this movie actually makes me laugh.

Acting:  Adam Sandler seems to be phoning it in and Kevin James reminds us all, yet again, how empty this world is without Chris Farley.

Production:  Meh.

Sex/Nudity:  Not that it’d make it any better or worse.

Special Effects:  There are some scenes with fire, but you know, most of the budget was blown on… I have no idea what.

Overall Verdict:  Adam Sandler collaborated on this movie with Dennis Dugan (director).   The duo worked together prior to this on Happy Gilmore, Big Daddy, Zohan and Grown Ups.   How did those movies come out so good, yet this is so horrible?  Yes, Zohan is not the worst Adam Sandler movie out there.

In The Spirit World, No One Can Hear You Scream

Title: Re-Cycle

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  The Pang Brothers reunite with Angelica Lee (The Eye)

Introduction:  I bought this DVD for $5 at H.E.B.  (Cultural Reference:  H.E.B. is a grocery store that sells DVDs for some reason)

Location:  Partially in reality, partially in a spirit world.  Great looking effects for location.

Plot:  Angelica Lee is an author and as she begins to see things (like ghosts) around her apartment, she starts using it for her latest book.   Then she ends up going into the spiritual world, where things exist that are no longer wanted.   Her quest is to get out of the spirit world and back into what she thinks is her normal life, but does she ever really?

Acting:  I was reading subtitles the whole time, but it looked good to me!

Production:  It was in theaters not in the U.S., right?   Looks like it.

Sex/Nudity:  Nope.

Special Effects:  There’s this one part where the ghosts are frozen and when they turn sideways they’re sliced up into little layers and… yeah…  this is pretty complex, but it has great effects.  Too believable, especially since some of the images still haunt me.

Overall Verdict:  As long as you pay very close attention to this movie, you will 100% get something out of it.   I know I shouldn’t watch movies like this at night by myself, but I just can’t resist most of the time.  The normal “OMGZ!  There’s a shadow behind the shower curtain” stuff doesn’t scare me, but certain aspects of this movie (especially in the spiritual world) had me somewhat scared.   The fact that a movie can still scare me at this late in the game definitely says something good about it.

One Word: AWESOME!

Title:  The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Peter Weller, Jeff Goldblum, Christopher Lloyd and John Lithgow.

Introduction:  I bought this DVD on eBay for an undisclosed amount, but have seen it a few times prior to this.

Location:  Where ever you go… there you are.

Plot:  It’s the 1980’s and style is CRAZY.   These secret government agents also double as a rock and roll band, and whoa, let me tell you…  Hey, this special edition DVD I got comes with a trivia track, but it’s not “Pop Up Video” style, but rather just reads as subtitles.   The whole thing portrays the movie as being based on actual events, and quite honestly, reading those little tips during the movie helped it to make a lot more sense.   It’s out of this world, it’s crazy and some people don’t quite understand it, but the more that I watch this movie the more I love it.  Who couldn’t possibly love a movie with a character named Perfect Tommy in it?

Acting:  Everyone has their best roles in this movie.   Forget Robocop, the only actor that has probably had a better role is Christopher Lloyd (Taxi for television and Back to the Future for film)

Production:  It looks like a 1980’s sci-fi/action/comedy movie.  Right on.

Sex/Nudity:  Nah man, diggit. 

Special Effects:  They’re ‘80’s-tastic.

Overall Verdict:  You’ll either love this movie, hate it or it will leave you wondering what you just watched.    In any case, I love this movie and it remains one of my all-time favorites.

The 2nd Worst Movie Ever

Title:  MacGruber

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  You know who did it.

Introduction:  I got this from the library under the assumption it would be funny.   If someone removed all the copies from the face of the earth, I doubt anyone would even miss it.

Location:   The darkest corners of my own personal hell.

Plot:  MacGruber is a rip off of MacGuyver in ways and, well, does this movie even need a plot?   It’s just one bad joke after another.   The main bad guy is named “Cunth”, which I’m sure you can guess what that sounds like.   I remember seeing a skit on Saturday Night Live right before I stopped watching SNL where they were doing a home improvement type show and they kept saying “caulk” in place of “cock” so it sounded dirty.   After about the hundredth time, this trick got old really fast on SNL so you can imagine how it went down in this movie with the “cunt” name.    This movie is like a bunch of really nerdy high school freshmen getting drunk for the first time and trying to be funny.    I really only wanted to see the wrestlers in this movie as well, but the dumbass blew them all up in the first twenty minutes.

Acting:  No matter how terrible this movie is, we must recognize the great ponytailed villain played by Val Kilmer. 

Production:  ::::flush::::

Sex/Nudity:  These people like to stick stuff up their butts a lot, and then show that on camera.

Special Effects:  This was in theaters for a day or two, right?

Overall Verdict:  Hot Rod was really underappreciated by the critics, in my opinion, but this one is just plain awful.    If you never have to sit through this abomination consider yourself lucky.

Look At Me, I’m Nick Cage!

Title:  Bangkok Dangerous

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Nicolas Cage stars in this movie that you’ve probably heard of before.  It’s directed by the Pang Brothers (and is a remake of their 1999 original), but that won’t stop this from sucking.

Introduction:   I got this from the library twice, and finally made it all the way through the second time.  I was hoping for something decent from the Pang Brothers, but I hoped wrong.

Location:  In Bangkok, duh.   But yeah, Nicolas Cage put good money into this one.

Plot:  This movie has Nicolas Cage as a hitman who goes to Bangkok for one final job and ends up having the tables turned on him.   The hunter becomes the hunted, you know, one of those lousy scenarios.   It has some fast paced actions and scenes that should pay off, but ultimately don’t.   At the end of the movie, Nicolas Cage puts the gun to his head and kills himself and his target.   If he had only done that an hour and a half earlier…   Look, this movie has nice visuals, mainly because it’s in Bangkok, but it has no substance.   Nicolas Cage is playing a slightly different version of every other character he plays, which is also a slight rip off of some other character out there that already exists (The way National Treasure rips off Indiana Jones)   I’m all for this movie exposing Americans to the work of the Pang Brothers,  but just don’t get the wrong impression based on this movie.   The Pang Brothers do make good movies as well.

Acting:  Does anyone really matter in Nick Cage’s movies other than him?  Exactly.   And he has that same creepy/serious/I could burst out laughing any second attitude he does in most all of his movies.

Production:  Again, Nick Cage put good money into this.

Sex/Nudity:  Nope, there isn’t even really a strong love story in this movie.

Special Effects:  For what they have, they are done well.   Again, Nick Cage and his money…

Overall Verdict:  I read somewhere that Nicolas Cage wanted so much to play the Ghost Rider character because of his love for the comic books.   I imagine this movie wasn’t that different, except maybe Nick Cage has a fondness for the Pang Brothers (Who doesn’t?), so he put himself in a movie of theirs the best way he could see how.   Do I blame him?  Not at all.   If I had the money and was an actor of his level, I’d buy the rights to remake Reservoir Dogs if it meant I could work with Tarantino.   But does this movie fall completely flat of any the things it should’ve been?  Yes, yes it does.

Poor Bill Cosby

Title:  I Spy

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Owen Wilson and Eddie Murphy star in this movie you probably forgot existed (and with good reason)

Introduction:  I picked this up off the library shelf because I knew I had seen it when it initially came out, but couldn’t remember much about whether it was really bad or just if critics gave it a bad name.   I then realized I had blocked this movie out of my head for a reason.

Location:  All over the place.  They sunk a lot of money into this stinker.

Plot:  Owen Wilson and Eddie Murphy are an odd pairing of spies and… Ugh… It doesn’t really matter, does it?

Acting:  Owen Wilson, and most of the rest of the cast, isn’t that bad and it’s what you’d expect, but Eddie Murphy is just off.   In Meet Dave, his acting was kind of almost sort of done in a way that they intended for you to laugh at him, you know, the so bad it’s funny type of idea.   In this he’s just… Man, it makes you forget he actually had good movies.

Production:  It looks like it was in theaters, but sadly, based on the plot and script no one will probably ever believe it really was.

Sex/Nudity:  No, thank Godzilla.

Special Effects:  The biggest special effect of all was how this movie ever got green-lit.

Overall Verdict:   This will never be a “B Movie”.  This will never be a “Cult Comedy Classic”.   This movie will hopefully just be forgotten and erased over time.

The Facebookiller

                 While I rarely use the Facebook function for “Events” myself, it seems to be somewhat popular.   I’m usually reminded on FB mobile about events, to which I say to myself “That’s tonight!”  It’d really be nice if FB had a way that they could show you what was happening throughout the course of a week or so, instead of just for right now or in a few hours, but maybe they do when you’re not on mobile.  But if I’m not on mobile, I might as well consult a calendar, right?  The only time I really use the desktop version of FB is to post links to blogs like this.

                So everyone seems to always be concerned with privacy on FB and people either buying your information or just being able to access it in some way, whether it results in unwanted snail mail or identity theft.    While this is all fine and good (I don’t put my social security number or work information on FB for a reason), using the event function on FB I thought of a whole new brand of killing.   I just seriously hope that someone makes this into a movie before my ideas become a reality.   (And for legal reasons, FB, I will state now that I am in no way a partner to this crime should it occur.  Consider this a warning in case it does occur.  FB may want to make some changes before it could become a reality)

                Here’s my movie pitch.   Diablo Cody is already signed on to write the screenplay with M. Night Shaymalan directing, so look for it in theaters in the winter.

                Imagine being a poor, lonely nerd who never gets the girl.   You go to night club after night club, every weekend and sometimes up to four times a week, looking for a woman who finds your collection of Pokemon cards sexy.   For obvious reasons, this never happens.   One day, you stumble upon FB’s events page and start searching events.   You see an event for the club you’re going to that Friday night.  You click “yes” on it, showing them you’ll attend.    By doing so, you realize that you are able to see everyone else who has clicked “yes” to attend.    You see the profile picture and name for a girl you think is cute.   You silently hope to yourself, “I hope she’s there, she’s kind of cute”.  

                At the club that Friday night, you’re having your usual uneventful time when you notice the girl from FB.   At first, you kind of forget why you know her, but then it clicks.   Now her face and name are both registering together in your head.   She seems to be pretty drunk, so you walk up to her and call to her by name.   You assure her you have met before, and this makes your conversation go much smoother than usual.   Upon noticing this, you ask her to go home with you.  But she says no, because you still think that Gnarls Barkley is a basketball player.

                The next day, you’re on FB and it hits you.  This is the perfect plan to pick up women.   You find out who is attending events through FB, then click on their profiles, find things that are of interest to them and then pretend they’re also of interest to you.   (So this part of the movie is kind of cliché, because how many people somehow get files on other people, read them and then use them against them later on.  I actually believe that without the whole FB aspect and with movie magic instead, this plot kind of occurred in the Devon Sawa movie Slackers)  

                That next Friday night, you’re at the club and you find that girl and you say all the right things.   You take that girl home and then… you kill her.   Yes, you become the FB Events Page Serial Killer Stalker.   (I’m still working on a better title for the movie, something shorter perhaps)   Think about how many copycats could be doing this across the entire country.   Does that really make you feel safe on FB?   Sure, my phone number is linked up on my FB, but I don’t answer calls that I don’t know.  This isn’t about sending an unwanted call to voice mail though; this really could be a matter of life and death.

                MNS Twist:  At the end, have the guy typing this whole thing really be the killer despite how many times I remind you that, for legal purposes, I am not suggesting anyone actually do this I am just sending this out as a message for a) Hollywood to make this movie before it becomes a reality, b) FB to possibly change some facets of its game and c) people to be more careful in general.    No matter how drunk you get, have someone sober around you.   And if you think you don’t know a guy, you probably don’t.

                Diablo Cody Twist:  The killer is a woman.  *gasp*

I Am The Ruiner Of You

Title:  The Ruins

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie has indie sensation Jena Malone in it along with Shawn Ashmore.   If you don’t know any of the actors, it’s all right, neither do I.

Introduction:  I got this movie from Big Lots for three dollars.  You have to watch Big Lots because they’re tricky.   They had a rated version of this movie for three dollars, then an unrated version for six dollars.  I didn’t want to spend double the money for no rating (I still can’t figure out what the unrated parts are from Dodgeball), so I kept looking through the DVDs and I stumbled upon another copy of this movie unrated only this time it was only three dollars.    So yeah, check all the DVDs at Big Lots before you commit to spend more than you should because those suckers can’t price.

Location:  This movie starts at a hotel (and poolside), but they go walking through a jungle and end up at ancient Mayan ruins.   I would assume they had some sort of budget, or the locals were not acting.

Plot:  A group of four college aged kids- yes, two guys and two girls- are at a hotel drinking when a German guy finds one of the girl’s earrings and then explains to her how his friends know of these “VIP ruins” they can go see.   In what is not so much a shock but rather them signing their own death certificate, they agree to go off with the strange foreign guy (Which is funny, because he’s the one who ends up getting his legs cut off, but I’m getting ahead of myself)   They touch these vines and the natives think that they are now cursed, so they will not help them nor let them leave.   German guy falls down a whole (I don’t remember how, I think I got an email during that part) and possibly broke his back.  They spend about twenty minutes trying to get him up then his legs get all rotten.   They decide to cut off his legs, which stirs must dissension amongst the group.   The best part of the plot?  The blonde girl who is not Jena Malone starts freaking out and yelling how Jena Malone and Shawn Ashmore were having sex.  While the four people left intact are debating the ramblings of a now crazy woman, the guy with no legs is being eaten by the vines.   Ah, remind me to never go on a trip with college aged kids that are more concerned with high school drama gossip than with PEOPLE ACTUALLY DYING.

Acting:  It’s pretty good.  You know, Jena Malone is what she is, so it’s held together pretty well.  I was kind of waiting for Mandy Moore to come and help her get saved though.  (Oh!  Rimshot!)

Production:  It looked like it was in theaters and it probably was.

Sex/Nudity:  There is a nude scene which serves basically no purpose.

Special Effects:  There’s this one scene where they have to cut the German guy’s legs off, and then eventually he gets dragged into the weeds and eaten alive.   It looks pretty cool, I just wish it was the blonde who had it done to her. 

Overall Verdict:  I enjoyed the part mentioned above in the movie, but otherwise this comes off too much like The Descent (even though they really don’t descend that much) and just other movies where a bunch of stupid college kids go off and die.   I’m not saying to stay away from it, I’m just warning you.

X Marks Your Death

Title:  Cure

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie was directed by Kiyoshi Kurosawa who did the Japanese version of Pulse that inspired the Veronica Mars U.S. version. 

Introduction:  I got this movie from my local library. 

Location:  Various locations throughout Japan.   Yeah, they had a budget. 

Plot:  Along the lines of Se7en, random string of murders is being committed and it is up to some police to solve it.   The one thing that ties all of these murders together?  The killer leaves an X across the throat of his victims.

Acting:  It’s hard to determine acting skills whilst reading subtitles.

Production:  It looks like it was in theaters and it probably was.

Sex/Nudity:  There is a naked corpse or two, but you know, hardly anything sexy.

Special Effects:  They look good.  There is a decent amount of bloodshed in this movie, and the markings made on the body look good as well.

Overall Verdict:  Not so much a horror movie as a thriller, this movie does get the job done and is worth watching if you don’t mind the subtitles.

Yes, I Do Whatever Kane Hodder Tells Me

Title:  Red Hill

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  You probably don’t know anything about this movie.

Introduction:  Recently, Kane Hodder did a Top 5 at Rotten Tomatoes and this was one of the movies in his Top 5.  It came out in 2010, and I’d never heard of it before seeing his list, so I decided to check it out because, well, he’s Kane Hodder.  I got the DVD from Netflix.

Location:  This movie takes place in a small town in Australia.  It goes back and forth from a police station to a farm and the like.   I don’t know if it had a big budget or if the people are just that friendly in Australia.

Plot:  The main “good guy” in this movie is a police officer who is on the job for his first day.  He joins the force in the town of Red Hill when it is shown on the news that Jimmy Conway has broken out of jail.  Conway was put in jail for killing a police officer in Red Hill some odd years ago, so it’s expected he’s coming back there for revenge on the current regime.   Hey, making this a standard “I broke out of jail and now I’m coming to murder your town” badass type of movie is one thing, but the plot actually goes deeper.  I don’t want to spoil it for you because I think you should watch it for yourself, but honestly, this movie would’ve been fine with me if this was all there was to the plot.   This movie is a bit of a western, but it is in Australia, so it’s not like the “old west” that you think of from movies in the states.  It’s almost like an Australian version of The Punisher, and for that, I love it.

Acting:  The Aussies have it here.  I got sucked in and really enjoyed it.

Production:  It looks like it could have been in theaters, but I have no idea whether it was or not.

Sex/Nudity:  No, mostly there’s just running and killing.

Special Effects:  This movie is mostly shooting and so it’s not too bloody or over the top, but for what they have, they are done well.

Overall Verdict:  I’d watch this movie again and probably even own it one day.   It was like a less boring version of No Country for Old Men and with regular guns instead of the air pump thing the guy in that movie used.

Am I Really Dead??

Title:  After.Life

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Christina Ricci, Justin Long and Liam Neeson star in this movie.   You should know who at least one of those people is.

Introduction:  I got this DVD from the library FOR FREE because, you know, they have it in their system. 

Location:  An apartment, a morgue, a funeral home, a seedy bar, on the road crashing into stuff, you know, standard horror locations.  (Yeah, this movie had a budget)

Plot:  This might be one of the most ridiculous plots that I have ever seen in any movie, but it’s only because of what causes the series of events to unfold.   Christina Ricci plays a school teacher who goes out to eat with her boyfriend, played by Justin Long.   When her boyfriend tells her he’s taken a job in Chicago, she assumes they’re breaking up, freaks out, storms off and drives (somewhat drunk) into a tailspin.  Wham, bam, thank you ma’am, she hits something and is pronounced D.O.A.   The funny part is, when she is leaving in the car her boyfriend reveals that he wanted her to go to Chicago with him.  So all of this was for nothing!  If she had just listened, this whole story never would have happened.   Anyway, Liam Neeson plays an undertaker who makes bodies pretty for the funerals.  Christina Ricci’s character begins to believe she is not dead, as she begins to converse with him.  It is revealed by him that he has a gift of being able to talk to the dead and help them “crossover”.   Then there’s this kid who was one of Ricci’s students and he can talk to her as well.   So the problem for Justin Long and Christina Ricci’s characters become is she really dead and these two can actually talk to the dead, or is he keeping her alive in some sick and twisted game?   You kind of want to be torn between the two throughout the movie, but the funny thing is, I kind of vote for Ricci being crazy from the start because of how she ended up there.

Acting:  It’s got big name actors, so you know, it gets the job done.

Production:  Again, they had a budget and were probably theater worthy.

Sex/Nudity:  While there is a sex scene early on, there is also quite a bit of Christina Ricci nudity.  In the morgue, and in a shower scene, which believe me is nowhere near as sexy as it sounds.

Special Effects:  In said shower scene, Ricci rips her heart out and shows it to Justin Long.   Yeah, they have some good effects.

Overall Verdict:   I really think Christina Ricci is a good actress when she does these creepy types of movies.  She’ll always be a form of Wednesday Addams to me, mixed with the girl in Sleepy Hollow, so yes, she needs to do more movies like this.  Liam Neeson also does a good job, considering I hated Taken this movie was good.

Seen It Before Dot Com

Title:  Fear Dot Com

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  It has Stephen Dorff in it, and I’m pretty certain it was in theaters so you’ve probably heard of this movie before.

Introduction:  I bought this DVD from Big Lots for a whole three dollars.   Was it worth it?  That’s questionable. 

Location:  Police stations, homes, you know, the usual places a movie likes to go.

Plot:  People start dying randomly, only it’s not so random as the one thing that connects them is that they’ve all visited the same website- rottentomatoes.com (just kidding about that last part there, it was actually TMZ)   Why is this plot hated on so much?  Oh yeah, because you basically change the video tape in The Ring with a website and you have this movie.   True fact:  The only way to not die in this movie is to clear your browser history.   Isn’t that really the answer to all of life’s problems anyway?  So, some claim this movie revolutionized and rejuvenated a somewhat stale horror scene of movies.   Sure, it came out before The Ring did… in the U.S.   But let us not forget, Ringu was available widely in Japan and the U.S. version was known so it wasn’t like no one had ever heard of this concept before this movie came out.

Acting:  It has two guys named Stephen and some random foreign actress in it.   Do the math.

Production:  As stated before, I believe this movie was in theaters and it has a production quality as such.  It’s just the plot that’s lacking really.

Sex/Nudity:  A movie based on the internet… What did you expect?  There is also much spam, trolling and chain emails.

Special Effects:  For what blood there is and such, it looks realistic enough.   Again, a movie theater production, so it has its money.

Overall Verdict:  If you have a really open mind to horror movies, you can probably stomach this one.   If you want to call it The Ring 14, that is also okay.

Am I The Only One Who Likes This Movie?

Title:  Gentlemen Broncos

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie was directed by Jared Hess and has a cast that you should be familiar with by now.   I’m reviewing it because I’m wondering why it did so badly and why it seems like no one likes this movie other than me.

Introduction:  This DVD was purchased on eBay for an undisclosed sum, however the first time I watched it was through Netflix.

Location:  It has various locations, throughout towns and sleep-away camps because, hey, they had a ten million dollar budget and it shows (sort of). 

Plot:  While the plot may seem somewhat generic on paper, this movie is anything but generic.   It centers on a teenage boy who writes science fiction stories and one day he meets his sci-fi writing hero who manages to steal one of his stories and pass it off as his own.   I believe this happens a lot with musicians, but I might be wrong.  It seems like someone could slip someone else a demo tape and then all of a sudden their song is the radio being played by Maroon 5.   In any event, this movie has a lot of odd quirks, mainly the character Lonny and the mom.   Everyone is just so over the top and strange, but it works.   It’s a story that has been told before, sure, but not like this.

Acting:  The acting is really spot on and the cast is just awesome.

Production:  Again, for ten mill, you can expect what you will see.

Sex/Nudity:  “No, none of that crap”.

Special Effects:  They’re mostly done in a sci-fi way, and in a B movie way as well, but they get the job done and add an extra layer of (potentially) unintended humor.

Overall Verdict:  Napoleon Dynamite was a huge success.    Nacho Libre did well also.   So why did this seemingly appeal to no one?  It has that same no nudity and curse words policy of the movies that preceded it, with that quirky blend of characters and gimmicks that make the story stand out from every other run of the mill Hollywood story.   This movie should have been as big- if not bigger- as any of the other Jared Hess movies.   Why it is not boggles my mind grapes. 

There is No Cure for Rabies

Title:  Quarantine

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:   The girl from The Exorcism of Emily Rose is in this movie with one of the guys from Hostel.   Yes, it’s a sort of horror movie crossover!

Introduction:   I got this from the library for a second time because the first time I never bothered to finish watching it.   I should’ve stuck with my instincts the second time around.

Location:  Primarily, this movie takes place inside an apartment building and in one room inside there at that.

Plot:  It was a routine expedition… hahaha.   So this girl is filming the fire department for some reason or another.   She goes on a routine call with them, then ends up trapped in this building where people start dying from what can only be described by a veterinarian as rabies.    The plot to this movie was taken from a foreign film not of the same name, so I’m going to watch that now in hopes it is better than this disaster.   “This video tape is all that remains”… Oooooooh, creepy.

Acting:  The actors aren’t really big names, so the acting isn’t the best.  It’s not over the top bad where you want to laugh at it, it’s just the regular kind of bad.

Production:  Parts of this movie are shown through a regular video camera with the dark light on, so everything is blue.   It’s like how Paranormal Activity was—crappy on purpose. 

Sex/Nudity:  As a reporter, she does go into the guy’s locker room before the whole event goes down.

Special Effects:  What special effects?

Overall Verdict:  Please let the original not suck.

Hear Shawn Hunter Call Some Girl Retarded

Title:  Tooth & Nail

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie sort of stars Rider Strong, while it has Vinnie Jones and Michael Madsen in small roles as well.

Introduction:  This DVD was purchased from Walgreens for four dollars.   It was bought mainly for the 8 Films to Die For label.   I honestly had no idea Rider Strong was in this movie before I bought it.

Location:  In what appears to be a school and outside somewhat, though it is a barren wasteland and everyone appears to be really cold and unshaven, is where this movie takes place. 

Plot:  In the not too distant future, the world has pretty much gone to shit.   It is post apocalyptic in a way, because everyone is living on rations and the world as you know it currently ceases to exist.   What has caused this?  We ran out of gas.   I can practically hear the execs at Exxon Mobil shaking in their thousand dollar shoes as they hear that this movie has been made.   So this new girl joins the cast and reveals that she ended up there because she was being chased by rovers, which apparently are cannibals.    So the professor or whoever dies and it’s humans versus rovers. 

Acting:  It’s not bad, but it’s not great.   Nothing too horribly over the top that it can be laughable, but everyone is all doom and gloom which really makes you just wish they’d break out into a tickle fight at some point.

Production:  It looks like it could have been in theaters, yes.

Sex/Nudity:   There are scenes of what the ratings board would refer to as “sexual content”, which means you see people having sex (two different scenes) but you don’t actually see any nudity.   Do these scenes add anything to the movie?  No, no they don’t. 

Special Effects:  Some bloodshed, which is done nicely, but it’s not really ever a lot so it doesn’t become too good or bad.

Overall Verdict:   The whole idea behind these After Dark movies is that they’re supposed to be too terrifying or controversial for the normal horror movie studios to release.   This entire movie, though, it’s very run of the mill, been there seen that.    You’ve probably seen this movie before in some other form, and the other form you saw it in was probably also a lot better than this.  Go watch any George A. Romero movie (or any of his remakes) and it will probably top this.  If you want to see Rider Strong, stick with Cabin Fever. 

The Doctor Is In… INSANE!!

Title:  Asylum

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie stars Sarah Roemer, who is best known for her starring role in Disturbia, as well as Travis Van Winkle, who has appeared in both Transformers and the Friday the 13^th reboot.   I most remember him, however, as Jonah Hill’s on screen foe in the comedy Accepted.   Travis Van Winkle is also (to my knowledge) not related to Vanilla Ice.   It also needs to be said that this movie is directed by one David R. Ellis who has directed Final Destination 2, Cellular and, yes, Snakes On A Plane.   Ellis also has a movie in production that is simply labeled as an “upcoming shark movie”.   Awesomeness.     I would also probably lose cool points with Tim Sullivan should I fail to mention that Lin Shaye is in this movie as well.

Introduction:  This DVD was purchased on eBay for an undisclosed amount.

Location:  This movie takes place primarily inside a college dorm, which was rumored to have at one point in time been an asylum.   Not really complicated in the locale nor in the plot.

Plot:  This movie follows six college kids who now live in what was once an insane asylum.  “The Doctor”, who has a Freddy-like origin story, stalks and kills each kid one by one because, hey, why not.   It’s funny because there is a kid named String in this movie who dies first.   I guess since they did the least amount of work making his character, he got to be written off first.    The best part?  The main girl looks up insanity on the internet to see if she is really going insane or not.   Actually, that’s not funny.  I used the internet to diagnose myself as having tourette’s… YA STINKY TURD!

Acting:  The acting isn’t the problem.  The problem here is a cliché plot, things characters say that make you go “Hmmm” and not to mention that this could almost fall into the Final Destination series.  Almost.

Production:  Although I read that this movie was straight to DVD, it has the look that it could have been in theaters. 

Sex/Nudity:  There is a scene where home girl is naked and you can see her blurry naked because she’s in water and believes she is drowning in the shower.   Yes, you read that right. 

Special Effects:  When there is bloodshed (Ivy has a nice stabbing scene), it is done well.   But it isn’t an over the top gorefest by any means. 

Overall Verdict:  This movie isn’t quite as unintentionally funny as Motor Home Massacre, but it still gets the job done.   Who wants to help make David R. Ellis the next Fred Olen Ray?  A couple more movies and he’ll be on his way (almost).   But seriously, if he makes another movie in theaters, I’m going to actually go to the theater to see it just so I can laugh when I’m not supposed to. 

Go On Vacation, Go On and Die

Title:  Final Examination

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:   This movie boasts the most powerful stars of Kari Wuhrer and Brent Huff, who might have appeared in other things but nothing I can think of off the top of my head.

Introduction:  I bought this DVD on eBay for a penny.  Yes, I was once again ripped off.  It was listed as “horror”, and though it might seem as much in certain ways, it’s really more of just a “thriller” if anything. 

Location:  This movie is like a spring break setting for grownups.   But yeah, it pretty much takes place all on the same “island”, just with different hotel rooms or whatever.   I don’t know, I didn’t pay much attention to this when I realized that…

Plot: … This is your standard serial killer mystery type of movie.   The two actors I mentioned before play a pair of cops who are trying to figure out why people are dying.   It’s something that has probably been done a thousand times before, but possibly never as bad as this.   The only thing that scares me about this movie is that it was actually made.

Acting:  I want to save myself some time here, and let you know that for both acting and producing, this movie comes off looking like a late night softcore porn movie on Showtime.    Did they make this for the high quality of acting, production, cast, plot and all that jazz, or is this merely just one step above being at a 24 Hour XXX Only video store?  I think you can guess easily enough.

Production:  The tag line “You fail.  You die” should only prove that the people involved with this movie should all be dead by now then.   Really, if you’re going to choose that as the line across the front of your DVD case, and then you make this movie… I’m just saying, fair is fair.

Sex/Nudity:  Yes and yes.  It seems like every woman in this movie needs to get naked before she dies.   Even the two cops get it on in one scene—pointless to the max.  (But sadly, all that this movie really has to offer)

Special Effects:  I’ll admit, the DVD case actually does make this movie look a bit scary.  But again, trust me when I tell you, this is not a horror movie; it is just a horrible movie.

Overall Verdict:  If you want to watch this movie, you should probably wash your eyes out with acid and urine first.