Every Bad Horror Movie Cliché Possible

Title:  The Roommate [2011]

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie has some actors in it from various television shows, but it lacks that one big sort of actor that makes it a movie where I can write something here.  I mean, who is the big attraction?  Billy Zane?  Or do I just say this is the movie with that one girl from Friday Night Lights in it?

Introduction:   I got this movie from the library for free.  If you actually paid for the DVD release please move to somewhere far enough away so that you can’t hear me laughing at you.

Location:  It takes place at college, but goes to many places nearby, so sadly it had a decent budget.

Plot:  This girl moves in with this other girl- for college- and the one girl is creepy and becomes obsessive and blah blah blah… This plot has been done so many times in so many different ways that all seemed the same I don’t even know what I was expecting going into this.   I guess maybe I was looking for some unexpected twist or humor, but yeah, this was just bad.   Same movie, different year.

Acting:   The acting wasn’t that bad, but to be a “major motion picture” it was pretty awful.

Production:   It looked like it was in theaters and it was.

Sex/Nudity:  Yeah, that’s really what will save this movie.

Special Effects:  Were hardly there.   Ugh.   The death scenes could have at least been cool.

Overall Verdict:  This movie, looking back at it now, can be summed up by one single name.   If you look at this movie on iMBD or Wikipedia, you’ll notice one of the character names standing out.   Yes, there is a girl in this movie with the character name Tracy Morgan.   Yes, like the hilarious actor.   MST3K has a rule about how you’re not supposed to put a better movie inside of your crappy movie, well I think you shouldn’t name your crappy characters after actors that would hopefully never make something this bad.   The kitten gets put in the dryer (Though you don’t really see anything happen to it) and that bugged me more than any of the human characters getting it.   All of the characters in here should have been killed off except for the kitten.   If you somehow end up watching this movie, don’t blame me.  I warned you.

Faster than a Speeding Mullet

Title:  The Flash

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This is the movie pilot of the television series you’ve probably never seen.

Introduction:  I bought this VHS at Good Will for one dollar.  Well worth it.

Location:  This takes place throughout an entire city, which for a television show is not that uncommon.

Plot:  This is the movie pilot of what would eventually become a failed series for whatever reasons.  It begins with a criminal scientist being hit by lightning and gaining special powers, mainly the ability of speed.   A lot of development is made on the side of the bad guys- a group of thug bikers who want to overthrow the government or some such typical nonsense- as well as some of the supporting characters.   At times it feels like The Flash himself got a stronger role in the animated Justice League series, but, you know, who am I to complain for a live action version of The Flash?

                I will say that this movie drags out for quite some time in terms of finally getting to see The Flash costume on the box.   At first, he has a suit without the mask and that’s used quite a bit.  It seems to take forever to finally see him in his official Flash suit, but more on the suit later.

Acting:  The acting isn’t bad, but it isn’t great.   I attribute that largely to the fact that I have no idea who any of these actors are and if they are still working it’s probably on soap operas.

Production:  For what it was, it looked pretty good.

Sex/Nudity:  Since this was a television show in the 1990’s, the obvious answer is no.

Special Effects:  The really big special effect in this all is actually the way that the Flash runs.  I mean, how do you have someone still visible to your audience watching at home when in reality he is moving so fast that he can’t be seen by the naked eye?   They pull this ghost technique off in a rather good way, but it still looks kind of odd.   I don’t know, for the time I guess it was the best that they could do.   While watching this, I wondered aloud how this would look if it was made today.   Then I quickly shot down the question, realizing that not only would he simply look like Clark Kent running fast in Smallville.   Heck, they even had a Flash-like character on the show.

Overall Verdict:  This should very easily be one of those cheesy, cult comic book movies made before the first Spider-Man (or X-Men) when people didn’t necessarily know what they were doing and the special effects weren’t quite good enough to get there anyway.   I just wish he would have been in the Flash costume more.  I am aware that this turned into a series, so there was plenty of time for that later on, but still.  Plus he kind of looks like a red version of The Tick without his mask.

Dude… A Monkey!

Title:  Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  If you haven’t heard of this movie, you might just be missing out on one of the greatest action movies of 2011.

Introduction:  I got this from the library on DVD for free.  I came quite close to seeing it in theaters.

Location:  All around the jungle… haha, j/k.  You know they had a budget for locations wherever they wanted.

Plot:  When I first read that there was going to be a new Planet of the Apes movie, my immediate thought was, “Great, another remake.   An attempt to revive a great franchise with mediocre movies and merchandising”.   You know, basically the same way I feel whenever I read about any new movie coming out.    Then I found out that this would be a prequel of sorts to the original Planet of the Apes.   Hmm.   I actually found that to be quite intriguing.   Think about it:  In the original, we have a human who finds himself on, well, a planet full of apes that act human.   But no one ever really said how that happened.   Sure, there are probably some books or more likely comic books out there that explained the origin once before, but to see it in a big Hollywood movie made me quite excited.

Acting:  James Franco is the man and John Lithgow still has it.   What more do you need to know?

Production:  It looks and feels like a modern movie, which is good, but in terms of transferring to the other movies in the series you get what I like to call the Star Wars Prequels Problem.

Sex/Nudity:  Actually, no, which considering the apes is probably a good idea.

Special Effects:  They were what you would expect from a movie released in 2011.   The funny thing is that about 99% of the time I bought into the idea of the apes being real.   In the back of my mind, I knew that they were not because even some of the things they were doing were obvious, but I mean, yeah, it was a nice touch of looking real but not going too far as to make you realize they weren’t real.    I very much bought into the whole movie, and the special effects sucking me in helped that out a lot.

Overall Verdict:  I’ll be the first to admit (and complain about it) that most movies lately tend to not be living up to their hype.  I’ve read about things on paper that seemed funny or just a great story… I mean, how do you mess up a movie with James Franco and Kenny Powers?  I don’t know, but it wasn’t funny.   How do you mess up a movie about frickin’ Thor?  Really?  THOR!!   Anyway, I digress.   Nothing can kill The Blob (except for cold) and Hollywood can continue to crank out perpetually disappointing movies, but every once in a while one will slip through that leaves me wanting more.   This is one of those movies.   Now if you’ll excuse me, this review has thrown me into a coughing fit.

I Get No Doggone Respect

Title:  Rover Dangerfield

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Rodney Dangerfield is a cartoon dog.

Introduction:  I got this at Good Will for a dollar, but it was the sale color so the VHS was also 30% off.

Location:  This shouldn’t matter since it’s animated.  Doesn’t cost extra to send them to the moon (Though they don’t actually go to the moon)

Plot:  A somewhat generic tale of the city dog being moved to the country (against his will).   When he finally makes it back to the city—SPOILER ALERT—he decides he’d rather stay in the country.   Rodney Dangerfield is what makes this movie special.

Acting:  It’s a cartoon, so you can’t really judge it too harshly. 

Production:  It looks like a Warner Bros. cartoon from the 1990s.   It kind of has a Foghorn Leghorn feel to it because they’re on a farm.

Sex/Nudity:  While the two lead dogs eventually have puppies, there is no actual nudity or anything because this is still a cartoon for kids in many ways.

Special Effects:  There aren’t really any because it’s animated.

Overall Verdict:  While there are some songs in this movie, it still remains one of my all-time favorites simply because Rover sings a song about how he’ll pee on any tree but a Christmas tree.  No, I am not making that up.   It’s a great movie to introduce your children to Rodney Dangerfield and prepare them for one day watching him in other movies when they get older.  It’s just all around good family fun.

Colin Farrell in Twilight

Title:  Fright Night 2011

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Colin Farrell leads a pretty good cast including McLovin’, Charlie Bartlett, the United States of Tara and one of the Doctors.   By all means, on paper, this should be a good movie.

Introduction:  I got this movie on DVD from the library for free.

Location:  It takes place mainly within two neighboring houses, but goes other places.   Yeah, it’s a pretty big budget horror movie remake.

Plot:  This is your standard cliché plot, but hey, it has been done before any way.   A kid thinks his new neighbor is a vampire, his friends start disappearing but no one believes him… I know this is a remake and all, but the idea has also been far stretched enough to such movies as Disturbia.   So we’re not really looking for a great plot here (We pretty much know how it’s going to go down coming into it), we’re mainly looking on everything else.

Acting:  The acting isn’t that bad.  It’s perhaps one of the most redeeming parts of this stinker.   Though when I read online that Colin Farrell took this part because he needed the work, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Production:  It’s a modern day horror movie, so yeah, it’s got that big budget look.

Sex/Nudity:  I don’t remember any, but I am kind of blocking certain moments of this movie out of my mind permanently.

Special Effects:  This is where you expect the movie to really deliver.   Why remake a classic if you’re not going to do something that couldn’t be done- visually- at the time of the original?  Granted, this movie does have up to date graphics like most other modern horror movies… But that’s just the problem.   It comes off looking like nearly every other vampire movie mass produced since Twilight and, well, that’s a lot of movies.

Overall Verdict:  I know the director of this movie also directed Lars and the Real Girl, which I really love as a movie, but if you told me it was directed by someone who had something to do with the Twilight movies or the like I would certainly believe you.  It has that kind of look to it.   It’s like somebody out there- some corporate suit guy, not an artist or filmmaker- said, “Hey, this has vampires in it… Let’s remake it since vampires are hot now and cash in on it being mistaken for a Twilight spinoff”.    I forgive the plot instantly because it is a remake, but there is still a sense of horror, terror and suspense that can be conveyed to make this movie awesome.   This can be done through the acting, lighting, music or just the overall feel of the movie… how it sucks you in and makes you believe and want to be scared.   Unfortunately, this movie really fails on all of those accounts.   Yes, this could have been a great remake considering the talent involved, but it comes up looking like just another remake that didn’t need to be remade.

12 Movies to See in 2012

12 Movies to See in 2012

                If 2011 was the year of the sequel (and it was) then 2012 should be the year of the director.   Okay, so there are admittedly a few directors out there who don’t have movies coming out in 2012 (At least not that I know about yet).   Names like Richard Kelly, Jared Hess, Robert Rodriguez and Kevin Smith come to mind.   But, look, we still get new movies from Christopher Nolan (and something that will blow Inception away), Quentin Tarantino, Judd Apatow, Richard Linklater, Tim Burton and Peter Jackson.   Maybe there should be more horror movie directors in the list, but hey, I’m taking this list I put together as a positive year for 2012 in movies.

                Also, just note to, I’m not including any comedies really in this list because I don’t know what to expect from them after 2011.   Anything that seemed funny on paper in 2011 (based on actors, writers, directors, etc.) just seemed to be so underwhelming.   Let’s hope 2012 can also improve the current state of comedy.  

                On a second note, this list is also being made from the viewpoint of me looking into the future and predicting what I will like.   There may be some movies I end up liking but didn’t choose here.   I may also be disappointed by some of these picks.   But this is mainly to state my expectations of good and see how the movies live up to my hope.

2/17 – Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

                Regardless of how most people felt about the first Ghost Rider movie, I really enjoyed it and it remains one of my favorite Marvel movies.  I understand the importance of having waited to make a movie about this character in order to get the images just right in the final product.   I think now is a good time to keep this movie series going and honestly Nick Cage does a great job at it.   People who didn’t enjoy the first one probably won’t be won over by this one.   I’m just hoping that those of us who did enjoy the first one will enjoy this one as well.  I’m staying optimistic. 

5/4 – The Avengers

                This is it.   This is the reason why you’ve sat through all of these other Marvel movies and watched the special little minutes added on after the credits.   All of the characters are coming together for one super movie directed by Joss Whedon.   I really hope that this is awesome.   Despite my much publicized dislike for Hawkeye, I really do believe this movie will be worth all of the others we had to watch to get to this point.   Also, it’s only one of two Marvel scheduled for release (as of now) in 2012, so I do believe Marvel themselves are banking on this being a rather big success.  I hope it delivers and one day- maybe- we can see Spider-Man in the Ultimate Avengers?  (Please?)

5/23 – Men in Black 3

                People seem to go both ways on this movie.   Some of them see it as bringing back a dead franchise and they should have just left it in peace.   Others don’t really care because they thought that the first two were too many.   For me though, as a fan of the first two movies and especially the animated series, I really do look forward to this.   I am in no way the biggest fan of Will Smith movies.  Some of his movies I have started and not been able to make it through (Seven Pounds, The Pursuit of Happyness), while some of his movies have just been downright spectacular (Hancock, I Am Legend).   Since this is more toward sci-fi than drama and a character we are already familiar with, I am expecting nothing but the best.   The only question I want answered is whether or not Will Smith’s kid will be in this.   Imagine him being kidnapped by aliens and having to use his karate to stop them.  Oh wait, it’s not karate—it’s KUNG FU!

5/23 - Moonrise Kingdom

                While some directors were off putting out bad movies and are now trying to redeem themselves, Wes Anderson has done nothing but continue to make movies that I enjoy.  I have no idea what this movie is about (Personally, I’d rather be surprised than read about it anyway) nor do I know the cast even (Though I do know who to expect in the cast, heh).   The one thing I know is that this is a Wes Anderson movie and thus I will be watching it.

6/22 – Brave

                I did see a trailer for this, before Cars 2 if I’m not mistaken.   Nevertheless, I have neither been more anxious or less anxious to see this based on the preview.  All I know is that it’s the newest Disney Pixar movie to join the likes of Wall-E and Up.   So, with that simple statement I am sold.

6/29 – G.I. Joe: Retaliation

                At first, I was very hesitant to like the new G.I. Joe movie (Rise of Cobra), but after throwing aside all of my ideas of what it should have been and just saw it for what it was, it actually kind of grew on me.   After seeing a preview for this movie it is one of my most anticipated of the summer.   The Joes are going off the grid because they’ve been named public enemies, which is kind of like this animated series they have going on now, but anyway, it looks like it could be a lot better than the first just because of the plot.   Throw in Bruce Willis and The Rock and this movie should be a great action flick.  Oh, and a rumored Sgt. Slaughter cameo?  Yo Joe!

7/20 – The Dark Knight Rises

                I don’t feel that I really need to explain this pick to anyone.  I don’t expect this to be better than The Dark Knight, simply because Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker simply cannot be topped.  But I do still think this will be a great movie.  It might even be the best of the year.   It’s funny how it is also one of the only DC movies coming out in 2012, which seems like they seem to be banking on the same idea. 

9/21 – Dredd

                I might be the only person who liked the Sylvester Stallone version of Judge Dredd.   And I don’t mean liked it in a “It’s a cheesy B movie that’s meant to be taken seriously but I really find it funny” kind of way, I mean that I genuinely do like it.   That being said, I think this remake will be obviously better because for one thing, Dredd himself will hopefully not expose his face, keeping more true to his comic book roots.   Plus I’ve always felt that as a franchise (In the comic books, first movie and now hopefully this movie) there is an understated sort of belief that government is being overrun and this is what it might one day come to, if it continues as such.   One day, we’re going to have police officers in armor suits with giant lasers finding you guilty without trial and killing you without even consulting a jury of your peers.   No joke, I hope this movie sends a stern political message.   If not, it should at least have some cool futuristic looking visuals.

9/21 - Hotel Transylvania

                What do I know about this movie exactly?  Only one thing:  It is being directed by Genndy Tartakofsky and that’s good enough for me.    The genius behind Samurai Jack, Dexter’s Laboratory and the Star Wars: Clone Wars that mattered can do no wrong in my mind.

10/5 – Frankenweenie

                This was quite possibly the first Tim Burton movie I had ever seen and I really enjoyed it.   To this day, it remains one of my single favorite movies.   I owned a VHS copy of this before having it as a bonus feature on The Nightmare Before Christmas.   Well, Tim Burton made this movie probably second in his career (After the short Vincent) and now he’s going to revisit the once small budget movie and possibly turn it into a large budget movie.   In reality, it could be worse: He could just digitally alter the existing film like a certain director did with a certain franchise I won’t name here.   Am I excited to see what Tim Burton can do with this as a remake?  Yes, I am.   In fact, Tim Burton has only a few movies that are actually his own idea.   He made his own versions of Alice in Wonderland, Planet of the Apes and Sweeney Todd.   He also made a biopic for Ed Wood and a movie based on trading cards.    It seems only right that Tim Burton finally rips off himself.   And I say that with the utmost respect and anticipation for this movie.   I’d like to see what Tim Burton can do with this idea now, since I loved the original so much.

12/14 – The Hobbit

                The once Guillermo Del Toro turned into a (surprise) Peter Jackson movie will come out a week and a half before Christmas.   While I would have originally liked this movie enough simply because it is an extension (in a prequel sense) of one of the best trilogies I have ever seen, I think that the GDT factor adds a wild card to this that might make it even better.   If this was a straight up Peter Jackson movie, it’d be good just for being like this trilogy, but if some of the imagery we’ve seen in Hellboy 2 and Pan’s Labyrinth comes out in this then it will be all the better.

12/25 – Django Unlimited

                I love Quentin Tarantino so much that I will:

a)      Go see this movie on Christmas day when it opens

b)      Go see this movie and enjoy it despite Leo DiCaprio being in it

c)       All of the above

I actually think this is going to be one of those situations when Leo’s presence is acceptable simply because the movie isn’t going to be about him—it’s going to be a Tarantino movie.   Bonus points of awesomeness if Leo’s character dies a horrible death.