Danny Trejo Auditions for “Mexicop”

Title: Bad Ass

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie is all about Danny Trejo and is not too far off from the movie I’d like to see Trejo star in (as directed by Robert Rodriguez) called “Mexicop”.

Introduction: Free Netflix Series #4 (And my first non-Magnet movie now as well)

Location:  All around town, baby.

Plot:  Danny Trejo stars as an old war vet who is basically a plain clothes super hero.   It’s like Kick-Ass but without the tights.   There is comedy, drama and most of all, ass kicking fun all around.

                My idea for a Danny Trejo movie, called “Mexicop”, saw him play a former criminal turned police officer, kind of like in a Snake Plisskan way but less futuristic.   This isn’t that far off from that idea because despite working with the cops there are times that his character certainly doesn’t seem to enjoy it.    Does this mean “Mexicop” would not work as a movie now?  No, it could definitely still work and be a different enough movie to stand on its own from this.   This movie is a bit different than what I had in mind for “Mexicop”, but still the closest thing to it so far.

Acting: Danny Trejo

Production:  Was this in theaters?  I don’t know.  Could it have been based on the production look of it?  Yes, yes it could have been.

Sex/Nudity:  Not so much, no.

Special Effects:  There aren’t really a lot, but there are some good fight scenes. 

Overall Verdict:  This movie comes down to one thing:  Time.  If you happen to have an hour and a half to kill and you like a good action movie with Danny Trejo, then do it up.   But don’t go too far out of your way to watch this one or feel like you’re missing something if you don’t see it.

A Reverse Horror Movie

Title:  Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  That one dude from the cancelled show Invasion who went on to also be in Reaper (He looks kind of like he could be Jack Black’s brother) stars in this with Alan Tudyk as the titular characters.   Everyone else… your guess is as good as mine.

Introduction:  This is the third movie in my Free Netflix Series.   Go back and read the review of Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie for more on that, as this is the last time I’ll say all that.

Location:  Would it be too cliché if I said this took place primarily in a cabin in the woods?

Plot: Tucker and Dale are two redneck guys who in any other movie would be chopping up preppy college kids into pieces their next of kin would never be able to find.   However, in this movie they’re just two innocent guys who end up falling victim to prejudice and unfortunate circumstances.  

                I will admit that the whole accidentally-dying-around-us part of this story was hard to swallow at times, but in some ways it did work to make this a sort of reverse horror movie.   It was interesting to see the two parties become threats to each other if only because one thought the other was trying to harm them with no substantial proof to back it up. 

                This movie might not teach you a grand moral lesson about accepting other peoples differences, but it is funny to see a college aged guy jump into a wood chipper. 

Acting:  The acting is pretty much good throughout, it’s just a few of the college type kids are bad actors.   But what can you expect from a horror movie?  If everyone was a great actor, it probably wouldn’t be as fulfilling to see them die.

Production:  Viva la Magnet Revolution!

Sex/Nudity:  Actually, I don’t think there really is, no.

Special Effects:  They take an occasional cop out every once in a while (like someone falling down a hole or dying off camera in general), but when they do show something it’s quite good.

Overall Verdict:  I will admit that I watched this movie over two different times.  I was intrigued enough by the general idea of it that I felt the need to finish it, but finishing it that day wasn’t really a huge priority.   It has that overall feel to it of something you’ve seen before but not quite.   It doesn’t make it anything new or innovative, but it also isn’t exactly like every horror movie you’ve seen before so it’s worth watching all the way through for sure.

I’m a Hockey Player (Put Me In Coach, Put Me In)

Title: Goon

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Sean William Scott stars in this movie along with Live Schriber and some other actors that I’m not completely sure about.

Introduction:  This is the second in a series of movies I am watching from Netflix (See: Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie Review) and it also should be noted that it is from the lovely people at Magnet.

Location:  Primarily the same small town turned Canada and then various hockey arenas and restaurants.   It definitely had a budget for location at least (or the permission of some kind Canadians)

Plot:  After thwarting a hockey player’s attempt to harm his brother, Sean William Scott’s character (his brother is played by Jay Baruchal, which is hilarious) gets offered a contract to play for a hockey team, which basically just wants to use him as an enforcer.   I’m not big into hockey.  I don’t know a lot about hockey (But I know enough).   But this concept seems pretty realistic to me.   You have a player, like say your Wayne Gretzky, who is just phenomenally good.   As an opposing team, you bring in a player simply to beat him up and take him out of the game—a player who can afford time in the penalty box.    Well, then of course, Gretzky’s team has to hire him a protector- a goon to take out the goon if you will.   

                This is all set with the background of a somewhat interesting family life that could have been explored more but wasn’t for whatever reason and a love interest who has a boyfriend but like the goon hockey player better.   It’s enough to at least not make you feel bored.

                Sean William Scott also has a rival goon in Live Schriber, who is kind of the guy hockey fans want to see fight, so they have a climactic fight scene at the end which is a sort of passing of the torch, if such a thing can exist in the most brutal portion of a sport that is on ice.

Acting:  Everyone does quite a good job, and the acting is one of the things that stands out the most here as just being perfectly executed.

Production:  This movie wasn’t in theaters but it still has a fresh look to it.   Think previous Magnet films and you’ll get the idea.

Sex/Nudity:  Surprisingly, not so much, no.

Special Effects:  The blood looks real.

Overall Verdict:  When you talk about traditional sports, I’ve always been most into baseball and basketball.   I’m not sure why, but that’s just the way it is.  I’ve always seen hockey as being like race car driving.   People who watch NASCAR sometimes are only waiting to see a cool crash (Which is not so cool for the drivers [Cole Trickle])   In this sense, I feel like people who watch hockey (Not all, but most) do it for the expected fighting.   This movie is kind of a glorification of that.  I’d be interested to see how an actual hockey fan felt about this movie, but I don’t know anyone actual hockey fans nor care that much to be bothered asking around.   I think this is one of those situations where if your stereotype of hockey fans is bloodthirsty hosers looking for blood, then this movie will only reinforce that idea.    While this may upset the actual hockey fans out there, The Rock did star in “The Tooth Fairy”.

Son of the Son of the Wolf Man

Title:  Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Tim and Eric, obviously, and then everyone from Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly to Jeff Goldblum and Will Forte. 

Introduction:  Upon moving from Houston, Texas back to Connecticut, I found myself staying at my sister-in-law’s house.   Here, there is a Wii and with that comes Netflix as well.   So while I’m technically not paying for the following movies- which I will refer to as my “Free Netflix Series”- someone is. 

Location:  All around a single town, but also primarily just inside a mall.  So it’s tricky.

Plot:  Tim and Eric receive a billion dollars to make a movie and then they blow it by making a relatively short, terrible movie with a Johnny Depp impersonator in it.   They spent all of their money getting douched out in Hollywood, so they have no real choice other than to try some miracle way to get the money back or be killed by the men that gave it to them.   Their solution:  To run a failing mall.

                This movie has a lot of little pieces in it that I won’t describe in full (Just watch the movie yourself), but I will tell you that it features John C. Reilly as one of the strangest characters I’ve ever seen.  In many ways, just seeing his character is worth it, although there are still many other fascinating developments throughout the film. 

Acting:  Even Chef Goldblum shines in this movie.

Production:  This is brought to us by the good people at Magnet and had a limited theater release.  I really enjoyed a lot of Magnet movies at one point (Hobo With a Shotgun, Rubber, 13 Assassins) and then I started feeling like they went downhill a little bit (Okay, so maybe Trollhunter wasn’t that bad after all).   But this is my new Magnet revolution.   Are you ready for it?

Sex/Nudity:  I feel like I got distracted during the only sex scene in this movie, but I’d have to watch it again to be certain.

Special Effects:  Just like their show, this movie gets CA-RAY-ZEEE!

Overall Verdict:  The bottom line with this movie is that it’s funny, but it’s also very strange in only the way that Tim and Eric can provide.   If you enjoyed their show, you will enjoy this movie.   If you hated their show, then fuck you.

He Can’t See… But He Can Kill

Title: Blind Fury

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie stars Rutger Hauer, and also features Terry O’Quinn and Brandon Call as the kid.   Yes, John Locke is the father of JT from Step by Step.   Wiggy. 

Introduction:  I actually found this movie on DVD at my local library.

Location:  They start with war, and then they go over a city area to escape the bad guys and then eventually track them down.   This may not have had a huge budget, but it had some.

Plot:  At the beginning of the movie, we see a bomb go off in a war and Rutger Hauer loses his sight.   Then, we fast forward to later back in the states and his good is in trouble with some bad guys over drugs.   Eventually, the kid gets kidnapped and they have to get him back.   The thing is, Rutger Hauer is a one man wrecking crew with a sword and even though he can’t see he still slices up guys like nobody’s business. 

Acting:  It’s on like Donkey Kong.

Production:  I’m not sure whether this was in theaters or not, but I’m inclined to say yes if I had to base it on overall quality. 

Sex/Nudity:  No, haha.

Special Effects:  When they are there, they are good for 1989. 

Overall Verdict:  There’s one rather funny moment in this movie when Rutger Hauer is driving and the guy next to him is like, “Are you blind??” and he’s like, “Yeah, what’s wrong with you??”   It’s funny because so many drivers who aren’t blind are still terrible at driving for some reason.    This is still a solid movie, as I watched it and really enjoyed it more than I thought I would.   If you haven’t already, you should see it. 

The Prequel to I Am Number Five

Title: I Am Number Four

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  The kid from Beastly mixed with Tomothy Olyphant.  

Introduction:  I’m not sure whether or not I’ve reviewed this before (It feels kind of like I have), but here we go again anyway.   If this is in any way similar to my other review I apologize because, well, I review so much stuff I tend to forget.   I know that I started watching this movie before—and I might have made a review based on that—but I’m not 100% certain that I did a review, so either enjoy or enjoy again depending upon my selective memory.

Location:  This takes place in primarily the same town, but it has some special effects that imply it had a budget.   Not a B movie, which could have made it so much better.    We’ll get to that later though.

Plot:   A kid named John Smith is number four and numbers one through three have been killed.   He is being hidden from aliens who want him dead for reasons I never fully understood.   In the end, rather than be killed by the aliens John stays and fights them and I think he wins but I really don’t care.   This movie is a sort of generic alien in high school movie and if you wanted to see a much better version of what they were going for (Only in reverse) then just watch The Faculty.

Acting:  Somewhere between Twilight and Sucker Punch.

Production:  This was in theaters, yeah.

Sex/Nudity:  Doubtful.

Special Effects:  There are a lot and they are quite funny.  

Overall Verdict:  At one point, John Smith begins lighting up in class.   When his classmate friend asks him about it, he just says it’s a trick he did with flashlights because class is boring.  This got me to thinking… What if this was a B movie and you could see wires when guys flew through the air?  What if his hands really did light up with flashlights?   What if he stuck a flashlight in his shirt and that’s how he made the glowing effect?   That is something I actually wouldn’t mind seeing—that version of the movie. 

My Teacher is a Robot

Title:  Class of 1999

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Though not in a very prominent role, Malcolm McDowell is in this movie.   Stacy Keach is also in here with a crazy little white rat tail.

Introduction:  I bought this on VHS for an undisclosed amount, as it is one of those rare movies.

Location:  This movie starts in a sort of prison, and they go to other various places throughout the city, but it is primarily set in a school.    I’d say that about 78% of this movie, if not more, is filmed within the school.

Plot:  It’s 1999 (Oh no!) and for some reason everyone is carrying guns and trying to kill each other.    It’s like Mad Max only in a school.   So, obviously, the teachers are robots that have advanced programming and begin to take on a mind of their own, by killing the students.    I kid you not, in one scene the teacherbot breaks up a fight and takes the two kids involved and spanks them.    And I thought Catholic school was hard.

                This boils down to the basic fight of man vs. machine and let me tell you, these kids go through a lot to try and stop their teachers.    Had they just called me, I would’ve told them to just get a giant magnet and make those teacherbots sing country.

Acting:  The main kid reminds me of Corey Feldman.   I think that pretty much explains it all.

Production:  This movie is set in 1999 (the future), though it was actually filmed in 1989.   It looks like 1989 in every aspect of it.

Sex/Nudity:  No, thankfully.   Too many robots killing humans.

Special Effects:  The robots have this vision thing that reminds me of the Terminator, but the models themselves look like they were left over from the T2 set.   So let’s just agree that this movie was made because T2 had some extra props lying around and they didn’t want them to go to waste.

Overall Verdict:  If this movie wanted to be taken seriously at all, it wouldn’t have had the spanking scene.   Granted, that unintentionally funny scene made it all the more shocking when the teacherbot would later snap a kid’s neck.    Ultimately, plot aside, you have to love this movie simply because it is set in a future that has already happened.    I like seeing movies from the 1980’s that tell you “This is what the future is going to look like”, but then we’ve already lived through it so the answer is obviously no.    These types of things simply did not happen in 1999.   However, people were panicked in 1999 about the impending doom of Y2K.    Remember that?   Perhaps that could be the sequel to this that never got made until now.   Class of 1999 Part 2:  The Revenge of Y2K.   I like it.   Someone make it.

When Owls Say More than “Who”

Title: Legend of the Guardians

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away: This is, up until now, the only Zach Snyder movie I had not seen.   There are some pretty noteworthy voices in here as well, but try not to think about them that way and just get lost in the moment.

Introduction:  I got this movie on DVD, for free, from my local library.

Location:  This is animated, so it’s not really relevant here.

Plot:  Some owls fall out of their nest and are about to be eaten, but then they are saved by bigger owls that sort of bring them into a life of slavery.    Our two main owls go on a quest to find the Guardians and along the way, they become heroes themselves.

                This is based on a book, which I haven’t read, so it probably get a lot of its story ideas from there.

Acting:  The owls sound right on and let me say that usually in voice over movies there is a character or two who really stands out where you just can’t buy into him being anyone other than who he is in real life, but this isn’t the case here.    Everyone uses their voices appropriately because I never stop seeing the owls as who they are supposed to be instead of going, “He sounds like that guy from The Matrix”.

Production:  This was a seemingly big budget movie that was in theaters and all, yes.

Sex/Nudity:  No, haha.   This is still somewhat of a kids’ movie.

Special Effects:  The owls in this look real enough to eat.

Overall Verdict:  Gina said she felt that this was too dark to be a kids’ movie, but I reminded her that she is a big fan of Harry Potter.   I really did enjoy this movie but maybe it’s just because I like owls.    Added bonus:  There are songs in here (or at least one played more than once) by Owl City.    Makes sense, right?

She’s the Titular Character

Title:  Hanna

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  I’m not entirely sure whether I’ve reviewed this movie before or not.   I tried to watch it once before and only made it halfway through, so I might have given it an inaccurate write-off review.   I am here to correct that now by giving it a proper write-off review.

Introduction:  Once again, I got this movie on DVD from the library for free.

Location:  They go to a bunch of places with a bunch of climates, so yeah, I’d say that they had a budget.

Plot:  Hanna is a young girl who grows up in isolation because, as it clearly explained to us in the beginning of the movie, if she is revealed she will be hunted until either her or her hunter is dead.   Her hunter is played by Cate Blanchett.    Of course Hanna goes out into the world and gets hunted.    So it becomes this cat and mouse game where you know one of them will not be alive by the end and, well, you can guess which one lives and which one dies.   Movies aren’t named after losers.   Well, except for “The Losers”, but that’s different. 

Acting:  Aside from the woman who once portrayed Bob Dylan, we also have Eric Bana and, yes, that girl from “The Lovely Bones”.   For what it is, the acting is convincing.    There are seemingly a handful of pale blonde actresses that could have been the lead.   What about that one from Arrested Development, Archer and Love & Other Drugs?   Or Gwen Stacy in Spider-Man 3?   Or was that the same actress?  I don’t know, pale blondes are a dime a dozen in Hollywood.

Production:  It was a big budget motion picture, yes.

Sex/Nudity:   Not really, no.  Too much action, but not that kind of action.

Special Effects:  They are good for what they are, but more on that below.

Overall Verdict:  It’s funny that this movie stars the same young actress who was in “The Lovely Bones”.   Why, you ask?   Simply because this movie was to me what I felt after watching “The Lovely Bones”.    This movie had a fairly simple, typical plot that you could see coming from miles away if you’ve ever seen movies before this.    However, the big claim to this movie (as with “The Lovely Bones”) must be the visuals of it.   It is pleasing to the eyes, even if not the mind.   For that, yes, it is good, but why can’t we have a visual spectacle and a movie with a plot that makes you think?   I guess Hollywood just thinks audience are too dumb or suffer from a.d.d. to the point where they cannot have both.   I find that to be false, but my opinion doesn’t seem to matter when it comes to big budget movies like this one.

“Sometimes I Think About Finding a New Alien Species… and Then f#$% it” - jay

Title:  Splice

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie has Adrien Brody, who I’m coming to like less with each movie I see him stumble through, and Sarah Polley in it.

Introduction:  I got this movie from the library on DVD for free.

Location:  It mostly takes place in a science research lab and an old barn, but there are a few other settings and a presumably large budget.

Plot:  A married research scientist team accidentally creates a sort of human sort of gargoyle type creature and then it turns into a giant mess as you’d expect but these people were kind of too dumb to do anything about beforehand.

Acting:  The acting is what you’d expect it to be, which is neither really that great nor awful.

Production:  It was in theaters and it shows.

Sex/Nudity:  Yes.  The main couple has a sex scene early on, and later in the movie Adrien Brody’s character has pretty graphic sex with this alien hybrid thing.  It’s just all sorts of wrong and whoever came up with it should be charged criminally.

Special Effects:  See above.

Overall Verdict:   While my overall distaste for this movie stands, here is my biggest gripe with it.   The main character played by Sarah Polley is kind of the one to kind of hide and keep this weird creature at first, right?  At first, Adrien Brody’s character is resistant to it and he seems like he wants to kill it.   But when you get to the end of the movie, who is left alive?   Sarah Polley and no one else.   Her boss, her husband, her brother-in-law and even her precious pet she seemed to think was a child are all dead because of her.    So it really does bother me that this all seems to be her doing and not only does she not really suffer any repercussions from this (Given everyone else died, I’d say she got off light) but she also ends up being impregnated by this alien gargoyle thing and is given a large sum of cash to have the baby and keep her mouth shut.   So I guess if someone you know ever ends up in a similar situation, be sure to report them right away and if necessary kill them even because under these circumstances it is obviously either them or you.   Adrien Brody kept his mouth shut, and sure he got some dirty alien sex, but then he also got killed, so you know, make your choices wisely scientists. 

Jean Claude Van Past, Jean Claude Van Future

Title:  Timecop

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This has Jean Claude Van Damme in it, as well as Mia Sara (who is probably best known as Ferris Bueller’s girlfriend), but beyond that I’m not really sure.  It’s also based upon a Dark Horse Comic Book Series, one of the first movies to be made that aren’t about Marvel or DC.

Introduction:  I bought this movie on VHS at Good Will, though I had originally seen it back in 1994 when it first came out.

Location:  This is the most complex question of all of these for this movie.   It’s not so much as to where this movie takes place, but when.   JCVD plays a cop named Max who lives in 1994.   Then he goes into the future, which is 2004.    Then he ends up going back to 1994, which at that point becomes the past because he sees a younger version of himself.    Somewhere in between his first trip to the future and his first trip back to the past, the present seems to disappear.   If you think about it too much, your head will literally explode.

Plot:  An evil politician is using time travel to secure his spot as President and basically owning the entire U.S. government.   Max (played by JCVD) is the only one who knows what’s going on because every time he goes back in time to stop this then comes back to the future something has changed in the memories of his friends and co-workers.    Basically, this is a movie about time travel where Max decides it’s wrong for a crooked politician to change the fates and lives of others for his own benefit, but yet Max can go back and change the past all he wants to if it means his overly annoying wife doesn’t have to die.

Acting:  It’s a JCVD movie, so you do the math.

Production:  This was in theaters because I believe I actually saw it in theaters when it first came out.

Sex/Nudity:  There is one pretty graphic sex scene early on involving the two main stars (JCVD and Mia Sara), but after that it remains nudity-free.

Special Effects:  There’s a scene where one guy loses his arm and a good chunk out of the side of his body.   That, coupled with the way it looks when the past and future President converge together show that this movie has pretty good special effects considering it’s from 1994.

Overall Verdict:   When you get around the whole time travel problem with this movie (such as what I like to think of as “Too Many JCVDs”), then it can become a fun sci-fi sort of action movie.  I really do enjoy it, even if at times it makes my head hurt over-thinking it.

Every Bad Horror Movie Cliché Possible

Title:  The Roommate [2011]

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie has some actors in it from various television shows, but it lacks that one big sort of actor that makes it a movie where I can write something here.  I mean, who is the big attraction?  Billy Zane?  Or do I just say this is the movie with that one girl from Friday Night Lights in it?

Introduction:   I got this movie from the library for free.  If you actually paid for the DVD release please move to somewhere far enough away so that you can’t hear me laughing at you.

Location:  It takes place at college, but goes to many places nearby, so sadly it had a decent budget.

Plot:  This girl moves in with this other girl- for college- and the one girl is creepy and becomes obsessive and blah blah blah… This plot has been done so many times in so many different ways that all seemed the same I don’t even know what I was expecting going into this.   I guess maybe I was looking for some unexpected twist or humor, but yeah, this was just bad.   Same movie, different year.

Acting:   The acting wasn’t that bad, but to be a “major motion picture” it was pretty awful.

Production:   It looked like it was in theaters and it was.

Sex/Nudity:  Yeah, that’s really what will save this movie.

Special Effects:  Were hardly there.   Ugh.   The death scenes could have at least been cool.

Overall Verdict:  This movie, looking back at it now, can be summed up by one single name.   If you look at this movie on iMBD or Wikipedia, you’ll notice one of the character names standing out.   Yes, there is a girl in this movie with the character name Tracy Morgan.   Yes, like the hilarious actor.   MST3K has a rule about how you’re not supposed to put a better movie inside of your crappy movie, well I think you shouldn’t name your crappy characters after actors that would hopefully never make something this bad.   The kitten gets put in the dryer (Though you don’t really see anything happen to it) and that bugged me more than any of the human characters getting it.   All of the characters in here should have been killed off except for the kitten.   If you somehow end up watching this movie, don’t blame me.  I warned you.

Faster than a Speeding Mullet

Title:  The Flash

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This is the movie pilot of the television series you’ve probably never seen.

Introduction:  I bought this VHS at Good Will for one dollar.  Well worth it.

Location:  This takes place throughout an entire city, which for a television show is not that uncommon.

Plot:  This is the movie pilot of what would eventually become a failed series for whatever reasons.  It begins with a criminal scientist being hit by lightning and gaining special powers, mainly the ability of speed.   A lot of development is made on the side of the bad guys- a group of thug bikers who want to overthrow the government or some such typical nonsense- as well as some of the supporting characters.   At times it feels like The Flash himself got a stronger role in the animated Justice League series, but, you know, who am I to complain for a live action version of The Flash?

                I will say that this movie drags out for quite some time in terms of finally getting to see The Flash costume on the box.   At first, he has a suit without the mask and that’s used quite a bit.  It seems to take forever to finally see him in his official Flash suit, but more on the suit later.

Acting:  The acting isn’t bad, but it isn’t great.   I attribute that largely to the fact that I have no idea who any of these actors are and if they are still working it’s probably on soap operas.

Production:  For what it was, it looked pretty good.

Sex/Nudity:  Since this was a television show in the 1990’s, the obvious answer is no.

Special Effects:  The really big special effect in this all is actually the way that the Flash runs.  I mean, how do you have someone still visible to your audience watching at home when in reality he is moving so fast that he can’t be seen by the naked eye?   They pull this ghost technique off in a rather good way, but it still looks kind of odd.   I don’t know, for the time I guess it was the best that they could do.   While watching this, I wondered aloud how this would look if it was made today.   Then I quickly shot down the question, realizing that not only would he simply look like Clark Kent running fast in Smallville.   Heck, they even had a Flash-like character on the show.

Overall Verdict:  This should very easily be one of those cheesy, cult comic book movies made before the first Spider-Man (or X-Men) when people didn’t necessarily know what they were doing and the special effects weren’t quite good enough to get there anyway.   I just wish he would have been in the Flash costume more.  I am aware that this turned into a series, so there was plenty of time for that later on, but still.  Plus he kind of looks like a red version of The Tick without his mask.

Dude… A Monkey!

Title:  Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  If you haven’t heard of this movie, you might just be missing out on one of the greatest action movies of 2011.

Introduction:  I got this from the library on DVD for free.  I came quite close to seeing it in theaters.

Location:  All around the jungle… haha, j/k.  You know they had a budget for locations wherever they wanted.

Plot:  When I first read that there was going to be a new Planet of the Apes movie, my immediate thought was, “Great, another remake.   An attempt to revive a great franchise with mediocre movies and merchandising”.   You know, basically the same way I feel whenever I read about any new movie coming out.    Then I found out that this would be a prequel of sorts to the original Planet of the Apes.   Hmm.   I actually found that to be quite intriguing.   Think about it:  In the original, we have a human who finds himself on, well, a planet full of apes that act human.   But no one ever really said how that happened.   Sure, there are probably some books or more likely comic books out there that explained the origin once before, but to see it in a big Hollywood movie made me quite excited.

Acting:  James Franco is the man and John Lithgow still has it.   What more do you need to know?

Production:  It looks and feels like a modern movie, which is good, but in terms of transferring to the other movies in the series you get what I like to call the Star Wars Prequels Problem.

Sex/Nudity:  Actually, no, which considering the apes is probably a good idea.

Special Effects:  They were what you would expect from a movie released in 2011.   The funny thing is that about 99% of the time I bought into the idea of the apes being real.   In the back of my mind, I knew that they were not because even some of the things they were doing were obvious, but I mean, yeah, it was a nice touch of looking real but not going too far as to make you realize they weren’t real.    I very much bought into the whole movie, and the special effects sucking me in helped that out a lot.

Overall Verdict:  I’ll be the first to admit (and complain about it) that most movies lately tend to not be living up to their hype.  I’ve read about things on paper that seemed funny or just a great story… I mean, how do you mess up a movie with James Franco and Kenny Powers?  I don’t know, but it wasn’t funny.   How do you mess up a movie about frickin’ Thor?  Really?  THOR!!   Anyway, I digress.   Nothing can kill The Blob (except for cold) and Hollywood can continue to crank out perpetually disappointing movies, but every once in a while one will slip through that leaves me wanting more.   This is one of those movies.   Now if you’ll excuse me, this review has thrown me into a coughing fit.

I Get No Doggone Respect

Title:  Rover Dangerfield

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Rodney Dangerfield is a cartoon dog.

Introduction:  I got this at Good Will for a dollar, but it was the sale color so the VHS was also 30% off.

Location:  This shouldn’t matter since it’s animated.  Doesn’t cost extra to send them to the moon (Though they don’t actually go to the moon)

Plot:  A somewhat generic tale of the city dog being moved to the country (against his will).   When he finally makes it back to the city—SPOILER ALERT—he decides he’d rather stay in the country.   Rodney Dangerfield is what makes this movie special.

Acting:  It’s a cartoon, so you can’t really judge it too harshly. 

Production:  It looks like a Warner Bros. cartoon from the 1990s.   It kind of has a Foghorn Leghorn feel to it because they’re on a farm.

Sex/Nudity:  While the two lead dogs eventually have puppies, there is no actual nudity or anything because this is still a cartoon for kids in many ways.

Special Effects:  There aren’t really any because it’s animated.

Overall Verdict:  While there are some songs in this movie, it still remains one of my all-time favorites simply because Rover sings a song about how he’ll pee on any tree but a Christmas tree.  No, I am not making that up.   It’s a great movie to introduce your children to Rodney Dangerfield and prepare them for one day watching him in other movies when they get older.  It’s just all around good family fun.

Colin Farrell in Twilight

Title:  Fright Night 2011

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Colin Farrell leads a pretty good cast including McLovin’, Charlie Bartlett, the United States of Tara and one of the Doctors.   By all means, on paper, this should be a good movie.

Introduction:  I got this movie on DVD from the library for free.

Location:  It takes place mainly within two neighboring houses, but goes other places.   Yeah, it’s a pretty big budget horror movie remake.

Plot:  This is your standard cliché plot, but hey, it has been done before any way.   A kid thinks his new neighbor is a vampire, his friends start disappearing but no one believes him… I know this is a remake and all, but the idea has also been far stretched enough to such movies as Disturbia.   So we’re not really looking for a great plot here (We pretty much know how it’s going to go down coming into it), we’re mainly looking on everything else.

Acting:  The acting isn’t that bad.  It’s perhaps one of the most redeeming parts of this stinker.   Though when I read online that Colin Farrell took this part because he needed the work, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Production:  It’s a modern day horror movie, so yeah, it’s got that big budget look.

Sex/Nudity:  I don’t remember any, but I am kind of blocking certain moments of this movie out of my mind permanently.

Special Effects:  This is where you expect the movie to really deliver.   Why remake a classic if you’re not going to do something that couldn’t be done- visually- at the time of the original?  Granted, this movie does have up to date graphics like most other modern horror movies… But that’s just the problem.   It comes off looking like nearly every other vampire movie mass produced since Twilight and, well, that’s a lot of movies.

Overall Verdict:  I know the director of this movie also directed Lars and the Real Girl, which I really love as a movie, but if you told me it was directed by someone who had something to do with the Twilight movies or the like I would certainly believe you.  It has that kind of look to it.   It’s like somebody out there- some corporate suit guy, not an artist or filmmaker- said, “Hey, this has vampires in it… Let’s remake it since vampires are hot now and cash in on it being mistaken for a Twilight spinoff”.    I forgive the plot instantly because it is a remake, but there is still a sense of horror, terror and suspense that can be conveyed to make this movie awesome.   This can be done through the acting, lighting, music or just the overall feel of the movie… how it sucks you in and makes you believe and want to be scared.   Unfortunately, this movie really fails on all of those accounts.   Yes, this could have been a great remake considering the talent involved, but it comes up looking like just another remake that didn’t need to be remade.

12 Movies to See in 2012

12 Movies to See in 2012

                If 2011 was the year of the sequel (and it was) then 2012 should be the year of the director.   Okay, so there are admittedly a few directors out there who don’t have movies coming out in 2012 (At least not that I know about yet).   Names like Richard Kelly, Jared Hess, Robert Rodriguez and Kevin Smith come to mind.   But, look, we still get new movies from Christopher Nolan (and something that will blow Inception away), Quentin Tarantino, Judd Apatow, Richard Linklater, Tim Burton and Peter Jackson.   Maybe there should be more horror movie directors in the list, but hey, I’m taking this list I put together as a positive year for 2012 in movies.

                Also, just note to, I’m not including any comedies really in this list because I don’t know what to expect from them after 2011.   Anything that seemed funny on paper in 2011 (based on actors, writers, directors, etc.) just seemed to be so underwhelming.   Let’s hope 2012 can also improve the current state of comedy.  

                On a second note, this list is also being made from the viewpoint of me looking into the future and predicting what I will like.   There may be some movies I end up liking but didn’t choose here.   I may also be disappointed by some of these picks.   But this is mainly to state my expectations of good and see how the movies live up to my hope.

2/17 – Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

                Regardless of how most people felt about the first Ghost Rider movie, I really enjoyed it and it remains one of my favorite Marvel movies.  I understand the importance of having waited to make a movie about this character in order to get the images just right in the final product.   I think now is a good time to keep this movie series going and honestly Nick Cage does a great job at it.   People who didn’t enjoy the first one probably won’t be won over by this one.   I’m just hoping that those of us who did enjoy the first one will enjoy this one as well.  I’m staying optimistic. 

5/4 – The Avengers

                This is it.   This is the reason why you’ve sat through all of these other Marvel movies and watched the special little minutes added on after the credits.   All of the characters are coming together for one super movie directed by Joss Whedon.   I really hope that this is awesome.   Despite my much publicized dislike for Hawkeye, I really do believe this movie will be worth all of the others we had to watch to get to this point.   Also, it’s only one of two Marvel scheduled for release (as of now) in 2012, so I do believe Marvel themselves are banking on this being a rather big success.  I hope it delivers and one day- maybe- we can see Spider-Man in the Ultimate Avengers?  (Please?)

5/23 – Men in Black 3

                People seem to go both ways on this movie.   Some of them see it as bringing back a dead franchise and they should have just left it in peace.   Others don’t really care because they thought that the first two were too many.   For me though, as a fan of the first two movies and especially the animated series, I really do look forward to this.   I am in no way the biggest fan of Will Smith movies.  Some of his movies I have started and not been able to make it through (Seven Pounds, The Pursuit of Happyness), while some of his movies have just been downright spectacular (Hancock, I Am Legend).   Since this is more toward sci-fi than drama and a character we are already familiar with, I am expecting nothing but the best.   The only question I want answered is whether or not Will Smith’s kid will be in this.   Imagine him being kidnapped by aliens and having to use his karate to stop them.  Oh wait, it’s not karate—it’s KUNG FU!

5/23 - Moonrise Kingdom

                While some directors were off putting out bad movies and are now trying to redeem themselves, Wes Anderson has done nothing but continue to make movies that I enjoy.  I have no idea what this movie is about (Personally, I’d rather be surprised than read about it anyway) nor do I know the cast even (Though I do know who to expect in the cast, heh).   The one thing I know is that this is a Wes Anderson movie and thus I will be watching it.

6/22 – Brave

                I did see a trailer for this, before Cars 2 if I’m not mistaken.   Nevertheless, I have neither been more anxious or less anxious to see this based on the preview.  All I know is that it’s the newest Disney Pixar movie to join the likes of Wall-E and Up.   So, with that simple statement I am sold.

6/29 – G.I. Joe: Retaliation

                At first, I was very hesitant to like the new G.I. Joe movie (Rise of Cobra), but after throwing aside all of my ideas of what it should have been and just saw it for what it was, it actually kind of grew on me.   After seeing a preview for this movie it is one of my most anticipated of the summer.   The Joes are going off the grid because they’ve been named public enemies, which is kind of like this animated series they have going on now, but anyway, it looks like it could be a lot better than the first just because of the plot.   Throw in Bruce Willis and The Rock and this movie should be a great action flick.  Oh, and a rumored Sgt. Slaughter cameo?  Yo Joe!

7/20 – The Dark Knight Rises

                I don’t feel that I really need to explain this pick to anyone.  I don’t expect this to be better than The Dark Knight, simply because Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker simply cannot be topped.  But I do still think this will be a great movie.  It might even be the best of the year.   It’s funny how it is also one of the only DC movies coming out in 2012, which seems like they seem to be banking on the same idea. 

9/21 – Dredd

                I might be the only person who liked the Sylvester Stallone version of Judge Dredd.   And I don’t mean liked it in a “It’s a cheesy B movie that’s meant to be taken seriously but I really find it funny” kind of way, I mean that I genuinely do like it.   That being said, I think this remake will be obviously better because for one thing, Dredd himself will hopefully not expose his face, keeping more true to his comic book roots.   Plus I’ve always felt that as a franchise (In the comic books, first movie and now hopefully this movie) there is an understated sort of belief that government is being overrun and this is what it might one day come to, if it continues as such.   One day, we’re going to have police officers in armor suits with giant lasers finding you guilty without trial and killing you without even consulting a jury of your peers.   No joke, I hope this movie sends a stern political message.   If not, it should at least have some cool futuristic looking visuals.

9/21 - Hotel Transylvania

                What do I know about this movie exactly?  Only one thing:  It is being directed by Genndy Tartakofsky and that’s good enough for me.    The genius behind Samurai Jack, Dexter’s Laboratory and the Star Wars: Clone Wars that mattered can do no wrong in my mind.

10/5 – Frankenweenie

                This was quite possibly the first Tim Burton movie I had ever seen and I really enjoyed it.   To this day, it remains one of my single favorite movies.   I owned a VHS copy of this before having it as a bonus feature on The Nightmare Before Christmas.   Well, Tim Burton made this movie probably second in his career (After the short Vincent) and now he’s going to revisit the once small budget movie and possibly turn it into a large budget movie.   In reality, it could be worse: He could just digitally alter the existing film like a certain director did with a certain franchise I won’t name here.   Am I excited to see what Tim Burton can do with this as a remake?  Yes, I am.   In fact, Tim Burton has only a few movies that are actually his own idea.   He made his own versions of Alice in Wonderland, Planet of the Apes and Sweeney Todd.   He also made a biopic for Ed Wood and a movie based on trading cards.    It seems only right that Tim Burton finally rips off himself.   And I say that with the utmost respect and anticipation for this movie.   I’d like to see what Tim Burton can do with this idea now, since I loved the original so much.

12/14 – The Hobbit

                The once Guillermo Del Toro turned into a (surprise) Peter Jackson movie will come out a week and a half before Christmas.   While I would have originally liked this movie enough simply because it is an extension (in a prequel sense) of one of the best trilogies I have ever seen, I think that the GDT factor adds a wild card to this that might make it even better.   If this was a straight up Peter Jackson movie, it’d be good just for being like this trilogy, but if some of the imagery we’ve seen in Hellboy 2 and Pan’s Labyrinth comes out in this then it will be all the better.

12/25 – Django Unlimited

                I love Quentin Tarantino so much that I will:

a)      Go see this movie on Christmas day when it opens

b)      Go see this movie and enjoy it despite Leo DiCaprio being in it

c)       All of the above

I actually think this is going to be one of those situations when Leo’s presence is acceptable simply because the movie isn’t going to be about him—it’s going to be a Tarantino movie.   Bonus points of awesomeness if Leo’s character dies a horrible death.