Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I’m Not Mr. Movie Review; You’re Mr. Movie Review (4)

Top 30 Greatest Movies of All-Time # 4
Title:  The Big Lebowski
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Too many to name, actually.
Introduction: I don’t remember when or how I first saw this movie, but once I did I was hooked for life.
Location:  All over the place, sometimes in a bowling alley. 
Plot:  It all started with a rug that got urinated on and from there, this movie twisted and turned into an adventure about confusion, hilarity and, overall, shouting at teenage kids.  I still don’t quite understand why Donnie had to die, but Evergreen Terrace wrote a song about it, so I’m okay with it now.  Seriously, a couple of songs on nearly every good CD have a reference or two to this movie.   Not to mention the fact that there is a Veronica Mars episode loosely based around the movie.  Yeah, it’s one of those things that no matter how much I write about it, I could never do it justice.
Acting:  Probably the single most quotable movie ever made.  EVER.
Production:  It was in theaters, you know, but it looks great.
Sex/Nudity:  No, I don’t think there is much of that.
Special Effects:  Donnie’s heart attack is something that you can’t fake.
Overall Verdict:  No matter how many times I watch this movie, it will always be funny.  I will never have to say “I watched that yesterday” about this movie.   If I was to flip through television stations and find this movie on, no matter what point it was at I’d probably stop and watch it without fail every time.

The List Thus Far:
(4) The Big Lebowski
(5) 12 Monkeys
(6) Rear Window
(7) True Romance
(8)  Driftwood
(9) Rock ‘N’ Roll High School
(10) G.I. Joe: The Movie
(11) Billy Madison
(12) American Splendor
(13) Last Days
(14) Mallrats
(15) The Dark Knight
(16) Bottle Rocket
(17) Tank Girl
(18) The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl
(19) Big Trouble
(20)  The Devil’s Rejects
(21) Raiders of the Lost Ark
(22) Beetlejuice
(23) Escape From L.A.
(24)  Howard the Duck
(25) Cabin Fever
(26) Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
(27) Uncle Buck
(28) Donnie Darko
(29) Demolition Man
(30) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

It’s Not the Future, It’s the Past! (5)

Top 30 Greatest Movies of All-Time # 5
Title:  12 Monkeys
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Bruce Willis, Terry Gilliam and, yes, Brad Pitt
Introduction:  I don’t know when I first watched this movie, but I will blame it on my Brad Pitt marathon.  When I first watched it (maybe even the first couple of times) I probably didn’t fully get it either.  I would pick it up on DVD years later at Best Buy for something like $4.
Location:  Throughout a city and throughout time.
Plot:  The entire human race has been forced to live underground because of a disease that is pretty much bad.   Bruce Willis is sent back in time to try and find something out about this disease.   However, when he is back in the past he starts to get confused as to whether he really is a time traveler or if he is just a mental patient.   This movie- and one of the biggest roles it plays in my life as a movie watcher- is so utterly amazing because during the course of the movie, as these events are playing out, Bruce Willis and his doctor begin changing their roles as to who believes what.   It made me as the viewer question what I thought as well about the movie.   It’s something that I will constantly love about this movie, but I will also reference it in other movies because it was the first time I’d saw that type of thing occur.   But yes, time travel, post apocalyptic society and monkeys… What more could you ask for?
Acting:  Quite possibly the best roles Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt ever play.   Just further proof why Brad Pitt is the megastar he is today, as he fully becomes this character.
Production:  This was probably in theaters but who knows.   People never seem to get Terry Gilliam movies anyway.
Sex/Nudity:  There is the mandatory Bruce Willis butt shot.
Special Effects:  Bruce Willis is breaking necks and getting shot.
Overall Verdict:  This is a movie that, for me, defined a genre of crazy, twisted sci-fi and what not else.  It became my first big sci-fi movie of its kind- and even post apocalyptic- so much that it is something that I shall constantly reference in other movie reviews.   No matter how many times I watch this movie I never tire of it and, honestly, I believe this is a movie that you have to keep watching over and over again because that’s how it will make the most sense to you.

The List Thus Far:
(5) 12 Monkeys
(6) Rear Window
(7) True Romance
(8)  Driftwood
(9) Rock ‘N’ Roll High School
(10) G.I. Joe: The Movie
(11) Billy Madison
(12) American Splendor
(13) Last Days
(14) Mallrats
(15) The Dark Knight
(16) Bottle Rocket
(17) Tank Girl
(18) The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl
(19) Big Trouble
(20)  The Devil’s Rejects
(21) Raiders of the Lost Ark
(22) Beetlejuice
(23) Escape From L.A.
(24)  Howard the Duck
(25) Cabin Fever
(26) Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
(27) Uncle Buck
(28) Donnie Darko
(29) Demolition Man
(30) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Look Out! Behind You! (6)

Top 30 Greatest Movies of All-Time # 6
Title:  Rear Window
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Alfred Hitchcock, Grace Kelly and Jimmy Stewart, oh yeah!
Introduction:  I don’t remember when I first saw this, but I’ve never stopped watching it.
Location:  It takes place primarily in one room, as Jimmy Stewart’s character stares across the way at another room.   There is a set, sure, but this does have certain simplicity to it.
Plot:  James Stewart’s character has broken legs and is wheelchair bound.  He uses this time to stare out the window and suspect his neighbor across the way of murdering his wife.   They remade this movie with Christopher Reeve.   They remade it again only they called it Disturbia.   And it was also the premise for an episode of “The Simpsons” when the family gets a pool.  This movie has influences you probably don’t even know about.  Really this movie is about voyeurism, but you have to admit that in some way or another—even if we don’t suspect our neighbors of crimes—we all kind of are curious as to what’s going on with those who live near us.
Acting:  James Stewart and Grace Kelly… What more do you need?
Production:  This was in theaters, yes, and it probably scared people then too.
Sex/Nudity:  No, not at all.
Special Effects:  There aren’t really a lot- except for the scenery- which is what makes this such a simple yet brilliant movie.
Overall Verdict:  There are probably entire books dedicated to this single movie.   While I love nearly all of the Hitchcock movies (especially Vertigo), this is hands down my favorite because of the suspense factor.   No matter how many times I watch this movie, without fail I *always* think that they’re going to get caught.  Every time.

The List Thus Far:
(6) Rear Window
(7) True Romance
(8)  Driftwood
(9) Rock ‘N’ Roll High School
(10) G.I. Joe: The Movie
(11) Billy Madison
(12) American Splendor
(13) Last Days
(14) Mallrats
(15) The Dark Knight
(16) Bottle Rocket
(17) Tank Girl
(18) The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl
(19) Big Trouble
(20)  The Devil’s Rejects
(21) Raiders of the Lost Ark
(22) Beetlejuice
(23) Escape From L.A.
(24)  Howard the Duck
(25) Cabin Fever
(26) Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
(27) Uncle Buck
(28) Donnie Darko
(29) Demolition Man
(30) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Sonny Chiba Marathon? Sign Me Up! (7)

Top 30 Greatest Movies of All-Time # 7
Title:  True Romance
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Christian Slater, Quentin Tarantino, Dennis Hopper, Patricia Arquette, Sonny Chiba (sort of) and, yes, Brad Pitt
Introduction:  I don’t remember the first time I saw this movie, but it was probably as a rental.  I ended up buying the DVD at Target one day in the ‘00s because I saw it as some special super cool edition and thought, “Yes, I do need to own that”.
Location:  This movie starts in one place and turns into a sort of cross country adventure.   I love movies that go on the road like this.
Plot:  Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette are on the run from a lot of people and a stoned Brad Pitt is their only hope.  Yes, this movie is that complicated.  In the beginning, they go on a date to the movies for a Sonny Chiba marathon, something I wouldn’t fully understand until the Kill Bill movies came out.  Weird how all these movies are connected, isn’t it?
Acting:  I first watched this movie because I was on a Christian Slater kick.  I don’t remember what started it, maybe Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, but if it’s a movie with Christian Slater in it and it was made before 1995 or ’96, I’ve probably seen it.   This semi-obsession might have also been attributed to the movie Gleaming the Cube because I watched that nearly all the time as a kid when I stayed home from school.
Production:  This movie was in theaters, right?
Sex/Nudity:  Patricia Arquette shows her boobs.
Special Effects:  Lots of people get shot.
Overall Verdict:  I’m not someone who likes to pretend to be something that I am not.   I first got into Quentin Tarantino movies the same way as most people did—when Pulp Fiction became the gigantic success that it still is.   After seeing that, I went back and watch Reservoir Dogs because his other movie people told me to watch.   I had seen True Romance prior to both of those movies (and probably Natural Born Killers as well, for that matter) and had no idea of the Tarantino involvement.  It wouldn’t be until years later that I would change my actor obsession into a director obsession and realize one man had his hand in all of these great movies and I was actually watching Tarantino movies before I even knew it.

The List Thus Far:
(7) True Romance
(8)  Driftwood
(9) Rock ‘N’ Roll High School
(10) G.I. Joe: The Movie
(11) Billy Madison
(12) American Splendor
(13) Last Days
(14) Mallrats
(15) The Dark Knight
(16) Bottle Rocket
(17) Tank Girl
(18) The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl
(19) Big Trouble
(20)  The Devil’s Rejects
(21) Raiders of the Lost Ark
(22) Beetlejuice
(23) Escape From L.A.
(24)  Howard the Duck
(25) Cabin Fever
(26) Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
(27) Uncle Buck
(28) Donnie Darko
(29) Demolition Man
(30) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Floating Like Driftwood… (8)

Top 30 Greatest Movies of All-Time # 8
Title:  Driftwood
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Tim Sullivan, Diamond Dallas Page
Introduction:  Once upon a time, I was browsing Netflix looking for something to watch and one of the suggestions that came up was Tim Sullivan’s 2001 Maniacs.  I had no idea what it meant at the time, but saw that it was a somewhat modern horror movie that had Robert Englund in it.   This factor alone made me interested enough to check it out.   It goes without saying that after watching it, and the sequel, I then moved onto Driftwood as my fascination for Tim Sullivan grew.
Location:  It takes place primarily in a place where the bad boys go.   Could you subscribe to the theory that if you were to rent a place such as this you could shoot this movie?  Yes, I guess if I knew someone who owned a private school or something that had similar resemblance than I could easily enough get inside and make this movie.   But I don’t think location was the problem with this movie- it was probably the teenage boy actors.  That was probably the hardest part.
Plot:  Rather than going through the step by step plot of this movie with you, since it’s on my all-time list I shall tell you what I liked about it without really divulging in spoilers.   This movie isn’t over the top gory.   It isn’t filled with a lot of death and bloodshed.   It also isn’t (for the most part) a movie where people jump out behind other people and scare the viewer.   This movie is probably the closest thing I would watch to a drama, and I say that with all due respect.   But really this movie is sort of a thriller and mostly just suspenseful.   It is, and this is really the best compliment that I can pay to this movie, the closest thing that I have seen to what a modern day Alfred Hitchcock movie would look like.   It’s just edge of the seat suspense.
Acting:  I’d like to turn my inner wrestling geek on for a minute because you knew it was bound to happen.   When WCW was coming to its end, someone had the rather odd idea to give the World Title belt to David Arquette.   While many (and by that I mean pretty much everybody) considered this to be a bad move, it wasn’t until years later that I actually became comfortable with it.   Bad booking is always going to be a part of wrestling (That title would later be held by The Great Khali and he actually killed a guy in the ring) so you have to accept that.   What people didn’t realize was that David Arquette took all of the money that he was paid by Ted Turner and donated it to Melanie Pillman, the widow of my without-a-doubt-all-time-favorite wrestler Brian Pillman.  How did I learn this little nugget of trivia?  Why, in a wrestling magazine interview with none other than Diamond Dallas Page.   So DDP will always be cool in my book.   Plus, he was also in The Devil’s Rejects.
Production:  This may not be the biggest budget movie or the best known movie for Tim Sullivan either.  Many of his fans may actually be turned off by this movie because it doesn’t possess the gore of the 2001 Maniacs movies.   Keep in mind, however, that this movie still has a very dark look to it throughout.  The production of it really sets the mood for the film, and you can really see how a simple thing such as the lighting sets the pace for the entire movie.   Oh what a different movie this would have been had every scene been shot in green grass and sunshine.
Sex/Nudity:  Not so much.   But let me use this space here to mention that there exists a song called “Lost at Sea” by the band Craig’s Brother and they have the line “floating like driftwood”, which often pops into my head when I think of this movie as well.
Special Effects:  As I continuously say, this movie doesn’t have that “Oh my Godzilla they just ripped that girl into pieces” quality that the 2001 Maniacs movies did.   However, if you do like that sort of stuff and want to see it done well, the 2001 Maniacs movies do not disappoint.  
Overall Verdict:  I feel like out of the movies Tim Sullivan is known for this movie is like the mild child.  (And yes, I suffer from mild child syndrome)   Regardless of when each movie was actually made, you have two movies that go together and then you have Driftwood which not having 2001 Maniacs in the title of it is really one of the least reasons why this doesn’t fit in.   Still, out of the three movies I think of when I think of Tim Sullivan, despite the other two being completely awesome, Driftwood is still my favorite.

The List Thus Far:
(8)  Driftwood
(9) Rock ‘N’ Roll High School
(10) G.I. Joe: The Movie
(11) Billy Madison
(12) American Splendor
(13) Last Days
(14) Mallrats
(15) The Dark Knight
(16) Bottle Rocket
(17) Tank Girl
(18) The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl
(19) Big Trouble
(20)  The Devil’s Rejects
(21) Raiders of the Lost Ark
(22) Beetlejuice
(23) Escape From L.A.
(24)  Howard the Duck
(25) Cabin Fever
(26) Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
(27) Uncle Buck
(28) Donnie Darko
(29) Demolition Man
(30) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

R.I.P. Joey Ramone (9)

Top 30 Greatest Movies of All-Time # 9
Title:  Rock ‘N’ Roll High School
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  PJ Soles, Roger Corman, The Ramones
Introduction:  I watched this movie pretty much all the time when I was a kid.   The remake was watched a bit as well, but not as much as the original.  (Sorry Corey Feldman)
Location:  Primarily in a school, duh, but it also goes to the different kids houses and eventually to the rock ‘n’ roll concert, so you know, it does have some different locations that might have been harder to shoot.  It took a certain amount of budget.
Plot:  PJ Soles’ character hates high school (I can relate already) and all she wants to do is listen to The Ramones and possibly see them in concert.   This really is one of the first movies that, for me at least, mixed music and movies in a way that not only made sense but that I could also relate to.   I mean, really, who wants to be stuck in a classroom as opposed to being at the rock ‘n’ roll show?  It reminds me a lot of the Social Distortion song “Story of My Life”.
Acting:  Surprisingly, the majority of the people in this aren’t that bad of actors.
Production:  Well, it is a Roger Corman movie…
Sex/Nudity:  Not available.
Special Effects:  The Ramones rock, plain and simple.   Whether or not they needed this movie to help them get a giant fan base is debatable, but it certainly couldn’t have hurt.
Overall Verdict:  While this movie maybe heavier on the music than the movie side of it, I still find this to be the root in a lot of ways for my obsession with B movies, Roger Corman, PJ Soles, not going to school, music, Corey Feldman, wanting to be in my own band and, well, did I already say how much I hated school?

The List Thus Far:
(9) Rock ‘N’ Roll High School
(10) G.I. Joe: The Movie
(11) Billy Madison
(12) American Splendor
(13) Last Days
(14) Mallrats
(15) The Dark Knight
(16) Bottle Rocket
(17) Tank Girl
(18) The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl
(19) Big Trouble
(20)  The Devil’s Rejects
(21) Raiders of the Lost Ark
(22) Beetlejuice
(23) Escape From L.A.
(24)  Howard the Duck
(25) Cabin Fever
(26) Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
(27) Uncle Buck
(28) Donnie Darko
(29) Demolition Man
(30) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

If You Use Twitter

If You Use Twitter
                I don’t like Twitter.  I make no niceties about it.   I think it’s a waste of time.  I tried to use it once and just got bored.   So I’m on Facebook instead.  But here’s my problem.   Facebook likes to get filled with posts about people who also want you to “follow” them on Twitter.
                Facebook, an alleged place for friends, has many rules and restrictions, some of which include not being able to send requests to connect to friends for reasons never clearly explained.   Aside from this, Facebook also seems to go out of their way to avoid pornography and good for them because it makes up about 98% of the internet already.   What I’m trying to say is that rather than be concerned with someone seeing a woman’s bare breasts (Which is bound to happen sooner or later anyway), Facebook should be working to eliminate their real enemy—Twitter—even if only for my personal gain.   Recently, I uploaded a number of pictures from movie posters and Facebook had the facial recognition software to know that there were people in the pictures who I could possibly tag.  If Grace Kelly were still alive, on Facebook and was my friend so I could tag her, believe me I would do just that, but that is where Facebook shows their somewhat overzealous take on something which isn’t even really that big of a deal.   What Facebook really needs to do is stop people from posting things trying to engage others in joining them on Twitter.   That’s the single thing that offends me the most.
                Let’s say you’re eating in your favorite restaurant and in walks some people who mention to you- and anyone else who will listen- that there is a great place across the street to eat at.   It’s not that I feel like there isn’t enough room in this world for more than one restaurant because there definitely is.   But when I’m sitting down to enjoy a meal at a place of my choosing and you interrupt me to tell me about another place I could be eating at, well, that’s just plain rude.   So when I’m going on Facebook to see what my friends are up to, the last thing I want to see is someone trying to lure me over to Twitter, another social networking site.  We all know that the only ones offended by pictures of naked women are gay men, but hey, word of advice to y’all, become friends with Player Uno.  I get more unintentional male nudity in my news feed on Facebook from that guy than… Well, I don’t really have a good way to end that joke.   But seriously, he gets hacked like his password is “password”.   So gay guys, relax.  There is enough nudity for everyone.   And really, what’s the difference between sharing a picture of your car and sharing a picture of your breast implants?  I don’t know, but that’s another debate to be held with those who oppose nudity for whatever reason.
                The biggest problem I have with Twitter actually brought me to a huge realization.  I was on Twitter briefly during the Kevin Smith airplane incident and let me say that reading through his thousands of “tweets” to get the entire story was just tiresome.   Restricting someone to have to express themselves in 140 characters or less is just annoying.   Granted, Facebook has their limits as well, but they’re not as high.   Anyway, Twitter really started bothering me because it seemed like people would just constantly state what they were doing- from waking to going to bed at night.   And I just wondered who had the time to keep up with it, yet also found some interest in it?  I mean, even the one person you love most in this world (Say, a celebrity) you wouldn’t care to read things like, “Off to buy new shoes!”.    And then it hit me like a ton of cardboard bricks.   The only ones who would care that much about what you are doing is the government.   This is exactly like the Big Brother that George Orwell predicted but instead of having cameras and listening devices, you’re telling the government tweet by tweet what you’re doing and when you’re doing it. 
                Let’s say hypothetically there was a woman who was prone to fits of rage and violence.  Let’s say that on Tuesday at 8:25 pm, her ex-boyfriend was found dead in his home, a possible murder victim.   Sure, the ex would be a suspect based on the mere fact that she knew him.  But imagine that at 7:58 pm that night she tweeted:  “Off to work things out with the ex ;)”   Now imagine that it took her ten minutes to get to his house from her house, a fact that any good police officer would be able to deduce.   That gives her plenty of time to get into the house, hold a small conversation, turn red and stab him to death with a kitchen knife.    So of course you’re asking me the one question you should be: “Who would be stupid enough to tweet about a crime they about to go off and commit?”   While I see your point, the masterminds of this world- in a criminal sense- are long gone.   Criminals are, for the most part, generally stupid especially when emotions are involved.  Remember those kids who videotaped their vandalism?  Yeah…  Plus just think of it this way.  Maybe at the time when she went to go over to her ex-boyfriend’s house (and she tweeted it) she didn’t actually plan on killing him, but maybe she just got caught up in the moment.   Now is that tweet going to put her away for a crime she committed?   I hope so.   But hey, that’s just Big Brother in action.  Except you’re your own brother now.
                So what we’ve learned today is if you want to keep the government happy and hold true to the Patriot Act, feel free to stay on Twitter.   If you’ve ever checked The Anarchist Cookbook out the library or made a joke about threatening a world leader on a message board then one of your “followers” is probably Homeland Security waiting for you to slip up.   And yes, Facebook has enabled it where you can constantly let people know where you are (I call it the Stalker App), and that’s not doing anyone any favors either.   So keep being watched and “followed” because no one needs to know my every movement and hand gesture.

The Trikey of Terror and His Army of Tires

Title:  Rubber
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  No one you’d recognize.
Introduction: I have a list- a small list- of movies that I really want to see because I hear such good things about them and this was on the top of that list.   I don’t remember exactly how I first heard about this movie, but my best guess is because it is made by Magnet Releasing, the people will also bring joy to my life via Hobo With A Shotgun.  I waited seemingly forever for this movie to come out on DVD, as it was available in a streaming-like way on Amazon only and when it finally did, Netflix sent it to me and lo and behold I am now that much happier for having seen it.
Location:  In a desert for the most part, but yeah, they had some sort of budget for the location since they also use a hotel and a makeshift house.
Plot:  This movie begins by it being explained to us- the audience- that a lot of things in movies happen for no reason.   This movie pays homage to the no reasons that occur in not only movies, but also in life.  A group of spectators is watching this movie through binoculars and provide a small amount of dialogue because, well, the main character is a tire who doesn’t talk.   The tire, who has a life of his own, rolls over things and when he finds he can’t roll over a glass bottle and smash it to pieces he begins violently shaking and then explodes it with his mind.   He later explodes other things in this manner, including but not limited to people.    The thing you have to realize about this movie is that it is always questioning itself, breaking that fourth wall, and just when you think this movie might have some sort of meaning or plot something occurs that leaves you to stand corrected.   I definitely feel like this is one of the most genuine plots I have ever seen in a movie before.   From start to finish, you never really know where it’s going to take you.  There are cool scenes where stuff explodes, but there is also a lot of humor.   The plot is one which I cannot explain without walking you through it step by step, but that’s probably why you just need to see the movie.
Acting:  For a bunch of actors that I don’t really know, they all give pretty decent performances, especially the tire.
Production:  This movie looks like it could have been in theaters and I believe it did have a few select showings before being released on DVD.  However, yeah, it still has the movie theater quality to it.
Sex/Nudity:  There actually is a scene where the lady showers and the tire watches, so you get a butt shot.  Also, the tire showers as well, but he never really wears clothes to begin with, so maybe this entire movie is obscene because he’s naked.
Special Effects:  There are a few explosions which come out looking about realistic as they can without actually being real.   The one thing I really did enjoy maybe even the most about this movie was the tire just rolling along.   At first, he seems like a baby taking his first steps, as he rolls a little ways then falls over, then gets back up and does it again.   He just seems like he’s having so much fun rolling around, it makes me happy.  Trying to figure out how they did those effects (I’m guessing shooting it backwards, but I’m not certain) is what makes this movie so great.  I mean, if you took this movie and put a man in the lead role (or a woman) then you’d have a lot less special effects.  But when you think about all it took even just for the chase scene to make this tire roll along and seem life-like, I mean… that’s a lot of energy and efforts I really appreciate.
Overall Verdict:  Two things that stand out to me about this movie that I feel need to be said are as follows.   First off, this movie has a great score.   The person (or people) behind the music really need to be given some kind of an award for the part the soundtrack played to this film.   It reminds me how much different Bugs Bunny cartoons would be without any music.   Secondly, it needs to be said that for whatever reason, this movie made me feel very hungry.  I don’t know why, and it started even before people in the movie felt hungry, but this movie really made me want to eat.  Take that for what it’s worth.   Overall, though, this movie is one that needs to be viewed with an open mind.    Correction:  It needs to be viewed with not only an open mind, but also with an intelligent mind.   If you want a movie that has a concise a to b plot, then there are literally tons of movies in Hollywood that you can watch and have just that.   To me, all of those movies have become so formulaic, though, that this movie is a breath of fresh air.   I will undoubtedly watch this movie as often as possible and share it with everyone I know because I will eventually own the DVD.    I think anyone who sees this movie and truly gets it will like it.  If you don’t like it, then you probably just don’t get it.   You probably also really like Taken or some other generic Hollywood movie, so, you know, good luck with all of that.   But most important of all, regardless of what- if anything- you take out of this review, I want you to remember just this one thing.   It’s really a good life motto, actually, and one I’m going to live by from here on out, so you should take this with you forward from here on out, if nothing else.   Just remember:  None of this would have mattered if you’d just eaten the turkey.

Mega P V G

Title:  Mega Python vs. Gatoroid
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  After starring in movies of the same caliber both made by The Asylum prior to this, former pop sensations (and Jordan Knight lovers) Debbie Gibson and Tiffany finally come to blows.   It’s like if MC Hammer was in a movie versus Vanilla Ice only with women.
Introduction:  One of my most complex movies in the “how I got it” sense to date.   First off, this movie originally premiered on SyFy.   I don’t have cable, so I couldn’t watch it on television.   I anxiously awaited the DVD release, bothering everyone that I could about it until finally… one day… I was pet sitting and saw that it was replaying on SyFy at a day I’d be able to watch it on someone else’s television.  I later, through the power of Netflix, found out that the Saturday I could watch it on television was just mere days before the movie finally came out on DVD.   I decided to forgo the commercials and put it in my Netflix queue.  Then, at last, it was released on Tuesday, June 21st, 2011… and it had a very long wait on Netflix.   So, while at Walmart I checked to see the price and it was a mere ten dollars.  Knowing I’d be supporting movies I enjoy and for how long I wanted to see this movie (Plus because I’d inevitably end up buying it anyway) I purchased this movie the Saturday the week of its release.   It should also be noted that it was one of two copies left on the… whatever Walmart uses to showcase their DVDs.   They’re not really shelves or pegs, but you get the idea.
Location:  This movie takes place within the same town, but there are various locations throughout the town, so I’d say they had somewhat of a decent budget.
Plot:  As far as plots go, this movie isn’t too heavy on the details.  It actually kind of plays out like most of the other movies made in this genre, but that doesn’t make it any less fun to watch.   For whatever reason, pythons are getting huge and killing people (and dogs).   So Tiffany’s character decides to stuff chickens with steroids and feed them to the gators to form a sort of super gator to hopefully wipe out the giant python problem.   Realistically, this plot probably dates back to Biblical times, but I can at least trace it as far back as Godzilla movies, such as the invention of Mecha Godzilla to combat the more evil of the two ‘Zillas.   Meanwhile, Debbie Gibson’s character leads a group of animal rights protestors who think there should be a better way to deal with this problem.  In fact, she says something to the very fact that nature should be able to work itself out, to which Tiffany’s character replies:  “Pythons aren’t the top of the food chain, I AM!” (One of my single favorite quotes in the entire movie)  Eventually, with the help of a voodoo doctor and Mickey Dolenz, the girls work together and try to make this problem go away with dynamite and pheromones.    Wow, I really did just type that sentence.   In the end, both of the former pop divas meet their demise (to the pleasing of all the viewers) and only a few survive that were in the beginning of the movie.   The one question I always had about this movie- monsters aside- was who would die and who would live between the two main women.   I was actually pleased to see both die because any other option would’ve just felt like a rip off.
Acting:  To say that this movie is overacted would be an understatement.   In their first real scene together, Debbie Gibson grabs Tiffany, to which Tiffany exclaims something like: “Don’t touch me!”  That’s the first sign of how this movie will be and honestly it adds a lot of humor, intentional or not.   Later on in the movie (But not too much later) Tiffany’s boyfriend dies and the whole reaction scene to that as well as the two women yelling about it turns into something like a cross between Jerry Springer and I have no idea what.   Needless to say, IT IS HILARIOUS.
Production:  It’s a made for SyFy movie made by The Asylum.  Use your imagination.
Sex/Nudity:  Since this was made for SyFy by The Asylum, you know that’s a no.
Special Effects:  While I realize that the pythons were not real, they still looked very realistic.   Movies of this type tend to lean more toward the side of special effects that are obviously fake, but this movie didn’t do that.  Maybe it’s because it’s not that hard to make a CGI snake because snakes are real, but this movie actually did look pretty realistic and I tip my hat to them for that.
Overall Verdict:  This is not the first movie that I have been given weird looks when buying.   In fact, the Walmart cashier didn’t seem to mind as much as the lady standing next to her who was probably also a cashier but just too lazy to do her job.  What’s funny is, when we walked up to the cash register, with no one else in line, the lady who was telling the story finished it up quickly in Spanish, which I just thought was hilarious.   Don’t ever let the gringos know what you’re talking about.  You work at Walmart, how cool of a story can it really be?  Then when the cashier put the DVD in the bag, the other lady took it back out to look at it.   Yes, the lady talking trash in Spanish who works at Walmart is judgmental of the movies that I buy.  She probably owns the Nicholas Sparks boxed set, so forget her.    I really like the movies that The Asylum has been putting out recently and this is no exception.   This is definitely somewhat of a monster movie at heart, it is a B movie in ways that it may have intended, but mostly this movie is a comedy.   I will watch it again and again.   Also, as an added note, the title of my review is how the DVD title appeared on my Walmart receipt.   Pretty cool, huh?

Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em

Title:  Almighty Thor
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  After watching this movie, I realized that it was directed by Chris Ray, who is the son of Fred Olen Ray.   Whoa, that is awesome.   It also has some name actors in it such as Richard Grieco (21 Jump Street) and Kevin Nash (WWE’s Diesel).  
Introduction:  It premiered on SyFy when that other Thor movie came out, but I got it on DVD through Netflix a little while later.
Location:  It starts in the homeland of Thor, and then transports itself into the homeland of residential crime.   It had somewhat of a budget, even if not a very big one.
Plot:  The movie starts with Oden (played by Kevin Nash) and Thor’s brother both being killed by Loki (played by Richard Grieco) because he wants the Hammer.  Oden chucks it into another dimension or something right before he dies and Loki is pretty much screwed.   Then Thor comes along and realizes his family is dead.  He vows to get revenge on Loki when a lady pulls him into another realm.  Loki chases him there and the quest for the Hammer pursues.   It is said to be loosely based on the Norse mythology and, yes, it has some references but isn’t entirely accurate.
Acting:  I’m not really bothered by the acting.   Richard Grieco reminded me a lot of Mark Hammill in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back for some reason.  Cody Deal, who appears to be making his acting debut in this movie, looks like a buff version of a lost Wilson brother at times, and I’d really like to see him in a strong action/comedy role, maybe pairing up with Bruce Willis or someone who can be tough yet funny, you get the idea.  The female lead in this, Patricia Valesquez, is actually from Venezuela, so how she got into this movie I have no idea.   As her character is supposed to be from Norway, she should be blonde or redheaded.   They didn’t even dye her hair; much less conceal her Spanish accent.  The whole thing stood out to me like just… I don’t know what.  I mean, even Christian Bale hides his accent to be Batman, Hugh Laurie to be Dr. House, etc., etc.   The surprise of this movie is Kevin Nash.  I loved him in The Punisher and really think he should have a steady movie career as an intimidating action star.  I mean, why not, Hollywood has a lot worse actors.  Am I the only one who takes Kevin Nash’s movie career seriously?
Production:  Much like The Asylum movies that precede this, it looks like it was made for television.   It is, like it or not, the modern day B movie and, no, these are not qualities that I hold against it.
Sex/Nudity:  No, this was made for television.
Special Effects:  They have a certain B movie feel to them and definitely pay homage to Fred Olen Ray.  My biggest problem with this movie (other than the accent thing) is that when they go into the city, Thor throws on a trenchcoat and comes off looking like, well… more of a male model than the Norse god he is supposed to be.   It also kind of makes this movie seem like The Highlander in some ways.
Overall Verdict:  Look, I know this movie was made primarily to cash in on the release of the big budget Marvel movie with the same character or three, but you have to admit that this is a pretty decent movie.  And really, what’s wrong with making a movie about Thor anyway?  Thor is not just a creation of Marvel, he is legend.   If there was something I really liked that no one really held copyright to, I’d like to see as much made about it as possible.   The only example that comes to my mind first is Godzilla, though we know he is not in the free public domain, but if he was and The Asylum wanted to air a movie about him on SyFy to coincide with the release of the new U.S. movie in 2012, I would be thrilled.   And really what it all comes down to is one thing:  Movies.   Sure, we had Jaws at one point in time, but then Joe Dante made Piranha.   You could argue for days about which is better, but I see them as two different things in some strange way and like them both for what they are.    That is how you should view this movie, not as a rip-off of the “major motion picture”.   And to be fair, Alexandre Aja didn’t do a remake of Jaws, now did he?  You can take that whichever way you’d like.  I am going to sit back, remove the proverbial movie reviewer’s stick from my ass and just enjoy this movie for what it is.   How about that?   The only thing I simply cannot suspend my disbelief on is that damn accent.

B Movie or Worst Porno Ever?

Title:  Zombie Lake
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Ehh…. No.
Introduction:  I got this as part of a set of multiple zombie themed movies off of eBay.
Location:  This is supposed to take place in Paris during a time period it looks nothing like.   Yes, there is a lake, but there are also a few other spots where the magic happens.
Plot:  All these German soldiers died in Paris and drown in a lake.   Now whenever anyone tries to swim in that lake or whatever, the zombies rise up from underwater and pull them under.   It is important that everyone who swims in this lake is not only female, but also nude.   I’d also like to point out that this movie’s opening sequence involves a girl who goes to a gazebo, strips down to her birthday suit and then goes swimming in the lake that starts it all.   However, it needs to be noted that before she jumps in the lake, she discards a sign posted saying not to swim there.   Perhaps she is the true monster of this movie, as all of the following events can be traced back to her.   Also worth noting: If this lake were America, it would be in somewhere like Louisiana, it’d be called a swamp and no one in their right mind would want to swim in it.  From every angle (and there are some cool camera shots here) this lake just looks gross to swim in.
Acting:  There are a lot of sequences in this movie that take place with only music and not a lot of talking.  In general, there isn’t a lot of dialogue in this movie but when there is it’s dubbed over from what I presume to be French.   It’s really hard to rate the acting in that way.
Production:  It doesn’t even look like a made for television sci-fi movie.  Although it does have that 1970’s vibe to it, it still isn’t the same quality of other low budget movies of that time.
Sex/Nudity:  Yes and yes.   There is a rather extensive sex scene in this movie, which I’m sure is relevant to the plot, as well as just about every female in this movie strips down to be completely nude.   The thing I wonder, which I guess is a question for the ages, was about how all this came about exactly.   Either the people who made this movie paid the actresses next to nothing and they just thought it would look good on their resume or they got paid extra to bare it all and thus certain funds which could have been spent on, say, effects were dwindled down to almost nothing.   Whichever the case is, this movie doesn’t look like it had a big budget, outside of the underwater camera, and as I read someone who reviewed this before say, the gross amount of nudity alone is not a good enough reason to watch this movie.   Yes, it is borderline pornography and none of it is really necessary, but let us not forget, this is also a European movie and in Europe they have nude beaches and supermarkets. 
Special Effects:  I kid you not, the zombies have this green cream on them and it looks like what you’d see a mom wear to bed in a show like “Happy Days” or “I Love Lucy”. In a way, that does make them appear scary because all they need is the hair curlers and possibly mouth gear, but alas, this a zombie movie not a scary old lady movie.
Overall Verdict:  This movie reminds me of one of my other favorite movies, Monster A-Go-Go, and not just because it had a director bail out and then someone else took over and had to finish up the mess made by the first guy.   No, this is one of those movies that is so bad you have to see it to believe it.  It is a movie where nothing makes sense and their selling point is probably for the nudity.   At times, you watch this movie and think you could make it (or could have made it better even) and you don’t even make movies.   While the idea of zombies living in a lake killing people should be cool and horrific, it’s actually quite comical in the delivery here.   By no means is this a good movie, but it is so awful it needs to be viewed at least once to fully grasp the tragedy of it all.

How to Succeed in Painting

Title:  Blood Feast / Color Me Blood Red
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:   These are two out of three movies in the Hershel Gordon Lewis Blood Trilogy.   They have enough similarities that I decided to do one review for them as sort of a double feature.
Introduction:  I purchased the HG Lewis Blood Trilogy DVD set on eBay for an undisclosed sum.
Location:  Both of these movies take place in towns, which people end up in other locations as well such as the beach.   They move around quite a bit, so they had some sort of budget for that I suppose.
Plot:  In Color Me Blood Red, a struggling painter accidentally uses some blood on his canvas.  In order to get more, he begins killing women and draining them of their blood.   He becomes a rather big success in the art community up until the end when he’s caught.   In a classic moment in cinema, one of his paintings is burned at the end of the movie to save the soul of the person whose blood is used in it.   One of the two men remarks, “Well you could have at least saved the frame”.    Blood Feast is not that much different except for the fact that the killer in this movie is collecting body parts for some sort of Egyptian Blood Feast that only happens so many thousand years.   The odd part about both of these movies is that their main villains (murderers) share a similar demise.   In Color Me Blood Red, as he is about to drain the blood from his last victim with an ax, a guy walks in asking to use the phone and has that kind of “What’s going on here” speech.  The guy grabs a gun from above the fire place and eventually shoots the painter’s face off.   In a similar ending, the serial killer in Blood Feast has a woman lying down with her eyes closed and he’s about to hack her up with a machete when some people walk in and catch him in the act.   However, he runs and eventually gets compacted in a garbage truck.
Acting:  The acting is actually not that bad, which surprised me.
Production:  It looks okay, but in Blood Feast a couple of the older characters had hair that looked blue.
Sex/Nudity:  No.   These movies love the underwear, but not nudity.
Special Effects:  Most of the special effects are severed limbs and, well, blood.   It’s somewhat of a slasher movie, especially for Color Me Blood Red.   But for the 1960’s, they look about what you would expect them to look like with the blood content and all.   They are rather well done.
Overall Verdict:  I think these two movies need to go together because of their overlapping qualities.   They are, also, part of the Blood Trilogy (along with Two Thousand Maniacs, which will be reviewed another time) so that kind of ties them together in some way.   None the less, I definitely recommend watching them because they aren’t necessarily scary or a mystery but the effects are done well enough and there is a slight hint of unintentional comedy.

My Soul to Fake… your way through a cliché movie that rips even yourself off

Title:  My Soul to Take
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie is the first movie to be both written and directed by one Wes Craven since 1994.   That was obviously the main selling point for this movie as plot, characters and all that fell to a low, low second place.
Introduction:  I got this movie from the library.  All I knew about it was that it was a semi-recent horror movie that I hadn’t heard anything bad about because, well, I hadn’t heard anything about it.   The Wes Craven factor upped my hopes for it, but those were quickly dashed.
Location:  It takes place in a small town, and yes, there are a few different sets so, you know, it had a budget.
Plot:  A crazed killer known as “The Ripper” (More like Jack the Ripper than the dreadnok really) is responsible for many deaths using a knife with the word “vengeance” on it.  A man- who is a mental patient but lives in his home- realizes that he’s schizophrenic and has been unknowingly committing these murders.   Great, so this movie right away paints the stereotype to me that if you’re mentally ill you must be dangerous.  Way to go, Wes Craven.   So this whole opening sequence foreshadows to the best part of any movie:  When it says “Sixteen Years Later”.   Really this whole jumping forward (or back) in time thing in movies (and television) has been done more times than, well, most of the other tired movie clichés I’m going to type about next.  So seven lucky kids were all born on the same day that the original The Ripper died, which isn’t too weird but it is kind of weird that they all live in the same town.  One of these lucky seven gives us the overview of every character early on, almost as if Wes Craven is pitching this movie to a studio and telling you what stereotypical role each character will be playing (Shy kid, pretty girl, jock, etc.)   So one by one these kids start dying and it appears as if The Ripper has returned as a soul in someone else’s body.   Since I kind of lost focus during this movie (As I’m sure Mr. Craven did whilst writing it) I’ll skip to the end.   After a bunch of seemingly pointless stuff happens, two characters- Bug and Alex- have the final confrontation to determine just who The Ripper is.   Alex tells Bug that Bug is actually the real son of the original The Ripper and is schizophrenic, so he’s the one responsible.   They have a brief back and forth and then in one of the most anti-climatic moves I have seen in all of cinema… Alex just flat out admits that he is actually The Ripper.   Bug kills Alex; his sister covers for him and makes him a hero, end awful movie.
Acting:  These kids will probably never work again unless Wes Craven feels really badly about this.
Production:  It was in theaters and it looked as such.
Sex/Nudity:  I don’t think that there was any, but this movie jumps around so much.   There was a scene in the women’s rest room, and then they were… ahh, I don’t know, probably not.
Special Effects:  They were special.   No, there weren’t really that many.
Overall Verdict:  For recent horror movies made by classic directors, I really think that Drag Me to Hell blows this out of the water.  Though this isn’t a competition, this movie features elements of Jennifer’s Body (high school aged kids being killed), Final Destination (they’re being picked off one by one for a very specific reason) and, yes, even Wes Craven’s own Scream series (masked killer that isn’t revealed until the end.  It also has far too many horror movie clichés in it, the same type of clichés Craven has mocked in his previous movies.  In any event, my favorite part of this movie is one simple quote that you will not find on iMDB.   Basically, May is Bug’s fake mother and on his sixteenth birthday his sister, Fang, is trying to tell Bug who his real father is.   This leads to a big verbal fight between mother and daughter, and after Fang is slapped by May, May proceeds to go on this sort of rant about how Fang is worthless and doesn’t ever try to do anything with her life.  So the one line that made me actually look up and laugh at this movie is when May tells Fang, her daughter, “You’re still in high school at 19 because you’re too chickenshit to get on with your life”.   They say only those who aren’t parents like to judge what other people do as parents, but really, that’s just poor parenting no matter who you are.