Thursday, December 29, 2011

2011: The Year in Movies (Or “Leonardo DiCaprio is Not a Very Good Actor”)

                I present to you the highs and lows in movies in the year 2011.   Future humans (and aliens) feel free to reference this list as to what really mattered in 2011 and what didn’t.
                Movies that I liked will simply be stated.  They have been reviewed elsewhere on this blog.   Movies that I didn’t like, however, even if reviewed elsewhere, shall be further explained just for fun.
Favorite All Around Movie: Rango
                This pretty much goes without saying.  Just read my review of this movie or ask me about it in day to day life and you’ll recognize.
Favorite Comedy:  Paul
                I knew this movie would be funny, but perhaps I didn’t expect it to be this funny.  Plus, it didn’t have much else in terms of competition for the year since most every other so-called comedy left me anything but laughing.  (I will admit though that Hall Pass was a close second here)
Least Favorite Comedy:  Your Highness
                For having James Franco and Danny McBride in it, as well as being a parody of the fantasy type movies I tend to like but also take with a grain of salt, this should have been the standout comedy of the year.   It wasn’t.   I barely remember any of this movie- like a boring dream- and only really took away from it the fact that it was probably geared toward stoners and even then, I doubt it was very funny.  The Pineapple Express this is not.
Favorite Movie Based on a Comic Book:  The Green Hornet
Least Favorite Movie Based on a Comic Book:   Green Lantern
                Ryan Reynolds has ripped abs and Sinestro makes a heel turn.  We get it.   I would have much rather seen this as a 1980’s or 1990’s movie with equally cheesy effects.   But it just seems like they went overboard with the CGI and it just lost a lot of what could’ve made it great.  Plus I’m getting tired of origin stories, but that’s not why this movie was particularly bad.
Movie Based on a Comic Book That I Didn’t Expect to Like as Much as I Did:  Captain America: The First Avenger
Least Favorite Drama/Sci-Fi/Non-Comedy/Non-Kids Movie:  Inception
                It took me two tries to make it through this movie.  In some ways, it wasn’t all bad, but I think I might be exceptionally hard on it simply because it was conceived by Christopher Nolan and, maybe it’s just me, but I expected a lot more from this guy.   I hate to think that Chris Nolan is going the way of M. Night Shaymalan with the “crazy twists” and becoming so big that you have to keep twisting and turning until it becomes ridiculous, but we’ll have to wait until after the Dark Knight franchise ends to truly see.
                My biggest problem with this movie was Leonardo DiCaprio.   I wondered quite often through this film what Leo has ever done (in movies, because Growing Pains was awesome) to make him such a huge movie star.   I’ve never seen Titanic, a fact I am still proud of to this day, and the few movies that I have seen him in and actually liked don’t seem like his movies at all.
-          Romeo & Juliet:  William Shakespeare, the music and the all around look of this movie made it what it was, not any of the actors.
-          The Basketball Diaries:  This movie was cool because it was about Jim Carroll.   The role could have easily been played by someone else if they were age appropriate at the time (an Ethan Hawke, if you will) and so this movie stands out more as a Jim Carroll bio piece than an actual Leo movie.
-          What’s Eating Gilbert Grape:  This is a Johnny Depp movie in my book.
And let’s not forget that he was in the very much overhyped movie Shutter Island, which just further begs my question as to why people think Leo is such a great actor.
The one nice thing that I will say about this movie was the imagery of it, but The Lovely Bones had the same thing going for it as well.   Just because something is pretty to look at, it does not make it a great movie.
Favorite Movie Geared Toward Kids:  Spy Kids 4D: All the Time in the World
Least Deserving Sequel:  Cars 2
                I don’t have a major gripe with this movie in the overall sense of it.   As a whole, I did sort of like this movie, though not as much as the first one.   I gave this movie this award simply because even though some of the same characters appear, this isn’t really as much of a sequel to Cars as it is a Mater spinoff movie.   I would have much preferred this to be titled something clever like “00Mater” or “Mater Takes Tokyo”.   Even “Mater: Secret Spy” would have been acceptable to an extent.   It seems like they couldn’t come up with a good enough title, though, and wanted to cash in on the success of the first film (understandable) so this just became a sequel.    (Though, again, it’s really only a sequel in title only)
Favorite Movie No One Else Probably Got:  Rubber
Favorite Cinematography:  Hobo with a Shotgun
Best Horror Movie:  Insidious
Best Documentary:  The Greatest Movie Ever Sold

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Trip to the CT Baby Shower (We're Growing Up, You're Growing Old)

October 5th, 2011
                We left around 7:03 am.   After stopping for gas, it took us nearly three hours to get out of Texas and into Louisiana.   We made it to Mississippi mid-afternoon.  By the evening we were in Alabama for our second McDonalds meal of the day.  We stayed the night in Trussville, Alabama, which is just a little bit past Birmingham. 
                Saw a lot of modern yellow VW Beetles going the opposite way from us, as well as trucks full of hay.   I guess the drought in Texas has us calling in for cow food from other states.
October 6th, 2011
                We left around 7:14 am.  At 8:48 am we were in Georgia.  We stopped for snacks and gas, and then made it to Tennessee at 9:21 am.  After lunch at Hardees, we made it into Virginia at 2:21 pm.   We stopped around 9 pm for the night in Martinsburg, West Virginia at a newly remodeled Motel 6.  It was like something out of the future or IKEA.   Or maybe it was the IKEA of the future.   The television was on demo mode because it kept telling us to do things while we were watching TNA Impact Wrestling.  It was hard to sleep when Robert Roode was facing James Storm for the first time ever.
                At a truck stop in Tennessee, literally every woman in the place had a bad dye job.  What is wrong with TN?  You need to volunteer to not let your roots show, ladies!
October 7th, 2011
                We left at 8:02 am and were in Maryland by 8:13.   At 8:34 we were up to Pennsylvania.   By 1:13 pm, we were in New York State.  We actually made it into Connecticut at 3:02 pm, but it took us until almost 4:30 to get to Durham.   Traffic on 84 from Danbury to Waterbury was not only horrible, but close to stand still also.   There was this one commercial-looking van swerving around and trying to change lanes like he was drunk.   I was afraid he was going to hit somebody.   As we passed him, I expected to see him texting, but alas, he was not.   Nope, he was merely reading a book.   Ah, the things that drivers do.
                I want to take this space to say that New York has a horrible color for their new license plates.  As if people didn’t already think your state smelled like baby diarrhea, now you have to make your license plates that color?   It’s horrible on the eyes.
October 8th, 2011
                This was the day of the baby shower.  If you weren’t there, then too bad.  When we got home at night I fell in love with a television program called Storage Wars.
                Also of note from the road:
-          There were nearly no cops out.   I guess some states were too poor to afford highway patrol, so basically you could get away with whatever.
-          There were more than a few oversize loads driving near us.   Seriously, someone get these guys their own roads.
-          Nearly every exit everywhere had a Subway whether advertised or not.
-          Certain rest areas would tell you either “Security Available” or “No Security”.  Is that a little odd to anyone else?  I mean, if you’re a criminal or just in need of a couple of bucks, stop at the rest area with no security and start looting.   Really, who’s going to stop you?  No security!
October 9th, 2011
                On this day I watched a marathon of Hulk Hogan’s Micro Championship Wrestling, just proving I do not need to have cable.  I also ate Chinese food for the first of three times on the trip.   I watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit with Gina, my mom and sister, as well, pointing out as much commentary as I could.
October 10th, 2011
                Gina and I spent the day with my mom, sisters, brother-in-law and nephew, all up in the great state of Massachusetts.   When we got home we were forced to watch Dancing with the Stars.   I will be quick to admit that I’ve never watched the show before and never cared about it either.   But after watching the “dance competition”, it was clear to me who was going home because of the way they were talked about and presented.   Mind you, I’m watching this show for the first time ever and even I can call the ending from a thousand miles away.   Still, something about David Arquette as Indiana Jones is funny.  
October 11th, 2011
                On Tuesday we were supposed to head to Massachusetts with my dad to go to book stores, but one of them ended up being closed on Tuesdays so we decided to stay in state instead. 
                Our first stop was North Haven which boasts both a Target and dollar store called 99 Power.  I was looking for a New York Mets hat (and in some ways, I still am) so I went to the Sports Authority, which was a mistake because the cheapest hat they had was $29.99.   Yikes.   Baseball players may get paid millions of dollars, but that doesn’t mean that their fans do.   After walking (sort of) across the parking lot to 99 Power, I found both Yankees and Red Sox hats for only $1.99 each.   No Mets though.
                Hey, how would you like to have been that guy who bought a hat at the Sports Authority for $30 or more, then found the same hat across the street for less than a tenth of the price?   Sure, it didn’t have the “official MLB” tag on it, but for the price they were asking I would’ve let it slide had they a Mets hat.
                When we got into New Haven, we went by the courthouse where the major television stations were camped out (Both of them!) waiting for the verdict in some big trial where some idiot killed some people then proceeded to write a book about how he did it called “How I Did It” or something like that.   Yeah, this is not made up at all.  Ask my mom and other Connecticutians.   They’ll tell you all about it.
                Any way, we ended up in the Yale Barnes and Noble first, which was nice.   The new thing at Barnes and Noble is t-shirts based on popular books.  Hey, I love On the Road, but I’m not going to pay $25 for a shirt based on it unless I see Kerouac alive, you know what I’m saying?
                We then went to Cutler’s Records, which was a fun little store if only because of the pride it had in New Haven.   They also had a cat just randomly sleeping in the store and that was pretty awesome.   The store was pretty much how every record store looks, which hipster stuff that you’d only buy if you were cool enough to prefer vinyl over the other forms of music.    They had a bin full of CDs for a dollar, though you had to buy a certain number to get the deal (Maybe five or ten) and when I looked through it I could barely find one thing I wanted let alone multiple CDs.   Ah yes, good to see CT still has trash for music in their stores.  (I kid, I kid)    But as everyone else knows- but especially me- you should really buy all your vinyl at thrift stores because they don’t say “OMG!  A rare Al Jolsen LP!  Jack up the price on this one!!”   They just merely price all records the same.   Also, tag sales, yard sales, garage sales and whatever work just as well.
                After this we went to lunch at The Ivy Noodle.  It was actually really good, the rice stuck together very well and I used chopsticks for as long as I could.  As we were leaving, I stopped at the car to put in some of my free papers and as we were walking by the ticket-dispensing machine near the entrance, we all turned around when we heard this loud crash immediately followed by a crunching sound.   The way this New Haven parking lot is set up (and I’ve parked in it many times for shows at Toad’s Place) is that you take your ticket, then a drawbridge type thing lifts up and lets you into the parking lot.   Well, some blonde girl in a fancy jeep thing or something (big money, no whammies) decided to drive up and over this drawbridge device, crushing it and all around it.   Luckily, no one was hurt, as basically it just crushed so mechanical things and cement posts.   I just wonder what would have happened if there was another vehicle involved or perhaps a pedestrian.    One guy came out of a shop and said, “Oh, I gotta get a picture of this!” before taking a picture.  When people asked the blonde if she was okay and all that, I just heard her say how she hit the gas pedal when she meant to hit the brake.   Wow.   If I was a police officer in New Haven and ever needed a reason to suspend someone’s driver’s license indefinitely… There ya go.
                But, after some mid-afternoon coffee, we were on our way to the Free Book Store.
                What’s that you say?   What’s a Free Book Store?   Why, it’s exactly what it sounds like.   And yes, there is one in New Haven.
                It works basically how it sounds (You go in, look at the books and are allowed to take up to 3 for free.   They work on donations and volunteers), but while there I realized something like this could never work in Houston.    If something like this does exist in Houston, please let me know.   But too many people in Houston would get these books for free and then try to sell them to somewhere like Half Price Books, despite their being stamped saying not for sale and such.   So employees at Half Price Books would have to see the stamp and turn them away, but would they really?  First off, if there was real money to be made (Something really recent or a collectible) I would say no.   Also, Half Price Books employees are underpaid and often times lazy because of it.   I’ve seen library books- honest to God checked out library books- for sale in Half Price Books before.    So yeah, I think Houston is too big and full of too much indifference for something like this to work.
                Of note, while in the store, two guys that were volunteering were discussing whether or not either one of them had paying jobs.   Neither did, and they both agreed volunteering was good for their resume.    And the economic struggle continues.
                The last book store we hit was called The Book Trader, where they sell books for a price that isn’t full, but not quite half and, well, I don’t really know how they price it exactly.   When checking out, the cashier asked me if I was saving the receipts because apparently if you collect $100 worth of receipts and bring them in, you get $10 off your purchase.    I said that I was from Texas and wouldn’t be back to that particular store for a few years and asked if I could just get the $10 off now and call it even.  (My purchase was for around $12, mind you)   She said no, and I asked for a buy two get the third free deal instead.   Man, CT is just not into haggling their prices, are they?
                While getting into the car I witnessed this awkward college-aged kids moment when this girl on a bike was talking to a guy walking.   Both were standing near our parking meter discussing things I don’t want to know, but one had that “I want to ask you out but I’m too much of a wuss” while the other had that “Please don’t ask me out I think you’re creepy” vibe.  I’ll let you use your own imaginations to decide which was which.   Anyway, the odd thing was that one said to the other to be careful because there had been three muggings in New Haven within as many days.   Really, Yale?   You’re scared of getting mugged.   Man, you should see some of these parts of Houston.  Heck, Greenspoint would probably make you fudge your Huggies.
                On the way from New Haven back toward home we stopped at a supposedly big comic book shop called Alternate Universe Comics (probably).   The store felt claustrophobic and, well, the comics were set up in three groups: Marvel, DC and everything else.  It made it nearly impossible to find what you were looking for if you either weren’t familiar with their system or didn’t somehow just plain luck out.   I asked the cashier if the new TMNT was out yet and he said I still had a few Wednesdays left to go, after checking his computer.
                We stopped on the way home at DJ’s Comics which also has cards in it, which is rare these days.   I bought a neat looking Matsui and an equally as cool Ichiro card.   The comic book side was worse than the other shop.   They were just dumped in bins like you’d expect to see at Good Will or somewhere who just didn’t know or care.  There was a guy there- who presumably knew the order- but it felt more like someone in their own basement refusing to part with their collection, yet still there to look like they’re making the effort to move on and make money, but all the while not doing anything and blaming the lack of sales on something other than the fact that their presentation lacked, well, any real sort of being present.    Oh, how I longed for Bed Rock City, where comic books are not only easy to find, but you could walk around without bumping into stuff (Unless you were drunk, but I don’t recommend going to any comic book shop whilst intoxicated unless you have lots of money to burn because, well, someone thought it was a good idea to make all this She Hulk merchandise)  
                Gina called one final comic book shop, which was in Wallingford, and it had received a rather unfavorable online review for the one person who had actually been in there.   When the store answered the phone, the guy said “Who is this?” as opposed to, you know, “Hi, thank you for calling…” or just a simple “Hello”.    Given that surly attitude on the phone and the online review we decided not to go to First Base in Wallingford and feel we are the better for it.  On a side note:  Why would you name your store first base?  That’s, like, the worst possible base to be on.   Why not Home Run?  Or at least Second Base.   Come on, a solid double beats a single any day.   Wait, I get it.  It’s first base because the guy got a single… Or rather, he is single and probably will be for the rest of his grouchy life.
                Tuesday evening Gina, my sister, mom and I went over to Meriden where we shopped at both Target and Savers.  At Target I managed to get a Voltron shirt that was on clearance for $4.98.   Just the day before, I had seen the very same shirt at a Target in MA for $6.98.   Score!   This was also when we learned the unfortunate news that CT (and probably MA) now has sales tax on clothing.   I always liked going back to CT to buy clothes because I knew that if it was under a certain amount I wouldn’t be taxed.   Well, now CT is on the same page as us with clothing tax, although they do pay a bunch of other taxes that Texas does not, so, hey, score another one for us.
                At Savers, I managed to not only find Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster and Vertigo on VHS, but also the very rare and sought after Drop Dead Fred.   Yes, this was the reason why I liked CT.   Savers was all right with me.
                Tuesday evening we were not made to watch the Dancing with the Stars results show, though I called it from a million miles away.
October 12th, 2011.
                Our Wednesday morning festivities began in Massachusetts at Troubador Books, which is now mixed in with Gray Matter Books.   The seemingly one employee there was eating something that smelled like tomato soup while listening to a mash up of Black Sabbath and Ludacris (I kid you not) I found some old F. Scott Fitzgerald books that I liked, but didn’t find Jude the Obscure until we asked him.   The store was nice, and it also had a lot of vinyl by bands I’d never even heard of before.   I mean, some of these things seemed like they were pressed just for this store.
                After lunch we went to Raven Books, which is fun to look through though we rarely buy anything.  There were a group of bikers (Bicycling, not the other kind) that were rather old outside the store.   They were apparently done with their water bottles because they had emptied the contents onto the ground and, well, if you’ve ever wondered the real bikers drink water with lemon in it.  Yeah!  The sourness makes me peddle faster.
                Within this very same plaza is a little store I love called Acme Surplus.   Ah yes, the home of things you really don’t need but are at such affordable prices.   We ended up buying two different word search books (for the drive home) as well as an official Acme Surplus t-shirt which was priced at a mere $2.99.    The funniest item I saw there?  Around ten John Kerry bobble heads from his attempt at becoming President, priced at two or three dollars each (I forget).  Since Mr. Kerry  lives in Massachusetts and all, you think someone would buy all these up and put them in an incinerator so as not to make him look bad (And destroy all the evidence that such events ever occurred).   But alas, I guess it is not as funny to them as it is to me.
                While checking out I asked the cashier since the store was founded in the same year as I was born (as per the t-shirt) if I could get a discount.   She said:  “Are you really asking for a discount at a discount store?” to which I responded “How about $2.95 instead of $2.99?”   But nothing.   Man, Massachusetts was not into negotiating their prices either.
                At night time, for dinner, we headed up to Doogie’s which is a great hot dog place that everyone needs to visit at least once in their lifetime.    After that, we went to Savers on the Berlin Turnpike and hit the jackpot on VHS tapes.   Not only were their tapes marked at only 99 cents each (Savers is usually $1.99 per VHS tape) they also had a sale going for buy one get one free on all VHS tapes.   Whoa, 50 cents per tape and the bubble ones counted?   My mom bought us something like sixteen Disney movies on VHS, which was awesome.    In all the time spent exclaiming what a great deal this was, no one ever stopped to wonder how we’d fit all these VHS tapes into the car to drive home.  
October 13th, 2011.
                Thursday morning, Gina, my dad and I went to see my nephew swim.   We ate at the Pizza Hut buffet (Get on it, Texas!) and then went to Walmart as well.  
                In the afternoon, my mom took us up to K-Mart where we reminisced about what it was like to be able to go there and how there probably used to be some in Texas once.    I looked at the t-shirts for good deals, and on a rack marked “$2.99 or less”, I found several shirts marked at full price and one at $6.99 that I really wanted because it had Andre the Giant on it.   This got me to remembering why I don’t miss K-Mart:  Because it is the store of hopes dashed. 
While at K-Mart, our dinner plans got changed and we ended up staying home eating Chinese food, for the third time this trip (for me at least)    Gina went out with a friend I’d never met and I watched the season (series?) finale of Hulk Hogan’s Micro Championship Wrestling. 
October 14th, 2011.
                We left a little before 9:30 in the morning and made a stop at Hershey, PA.   In Pennsylvania, at a Sheetz, we found cotton candy donuts (one was pink, the other blue) and pretty much all the Faygo one could imagine.   I picked up several bottles to take home because, well, you can’t get this stuff in Texas.
                By dinner time we had crossed the Mason Dixon line and were headed for our potential stop for the night.   We were told at the first hotel that we stopped at they were all booked up because it was parents weekend at the colleges.   We drove an hour or so further and was told the same, only this time the ladies also told us there was a horse show in town which helped with them being sold out.    Although it took until 10:30 at night, we finally stopped in Troutville, VA where we managed to find some open rooms.    Funny thing is, the first hotel we tried told us if we kept going we shouldn’t have any problems.   But we did.   And we drove around unmarked main roads for a while trying to find the second hotel.   Ugh.   Virginia, it’s nothing personal, but I really wanted something bad to happen to your state once we finally got out of it.
                And all the time in my head, all I can think is “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus… and he watches you in the shower”.  
                While checking into the hotel in Troutville, VA (cheap pop), the woman behind the desk noticed the Texas drivers license and asked my wife if we lived anywhere near San Antonio.   In Texas, everything is relative because we lived a lot closer to San Antonio than, say, places outside of Texas, which we were being reminded of on the drive home why we didn’t like to visit them.   When my wife answered her, she proceeded to tell us this story of how she went to San Antonio for her nephew’s graduation or something and she didn’t like it because none of the highways and streets were marked.  Really, Virginia?   Pot-kettle-black, anyone?   Aside from that, let me give you a little piece of advice.  If you work in the field of customer service (Which a hotel is, no matter how many other hotels within three hours drive of you might be sold out) and you happen to deal with out of state people a lot, don’t notice their license, strike up a conversation and proceed to mock their state.   “Oh, you’re from Texas?  Yeah, I hate that state!”   Way to go, Virginia.  I am officially closing you for business.
October 15th, 2011.
                Back on the road and by 11 am we were out of Virginia.  (May we never have to meet again)  We stopped for lunch in Tennessee and found out that there was a big college football game that very day where top seed LSU would be facing the Tennessee Volunteers.   I’m not usually one to dole out so much advice, but here’s a thought.   If you’re a sporting team anywhere at any level, how about you don’t call yourselves “The Volunteers”?   It just makes it sound like you’re volunteering to lose.    Well, I had no bets on this game but people in Tennessee seemed to be taking it rather seriously.   I felt like Dennis Farrina in the movie “Big Trouble” with Gator fans.    Coincidentally, we would learn the following day that not only did Tennessee lose, they lost by a large margin. 
                After crossing through Georgia and Alabama, we stopped for the night in Meridian, Mississippi, which is about the only place I’d recommend staying in that state.    We got in around 7:30, a bit earlier than we’d normally stop but given the fiasco the night before we didn’t mind.   We checked in with what appeared to be a bunch of girls softball teams selected from various other states to come together and… I don’t know.   We ordered some pizza and watched the Texas Rangers clinch their World Series spot in a game that I think even non-Astros fans would consider to be exciting. 
October 16th, 2011.
                We made it into Texas a little before 3 pm.   When we stopped at the visitor’s center and got some information on Texas, the ladies there asked us where we were from.   I told them Houston and their faces just made that acknowledgement of “Ah yes, the other Texas”.

He Really Hates Flies!



Title:  Reckless Kelly
Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie is written by, directed by and stars Yahoo Serious.
Introduction:  I got this from the local Good Will on VHS for $1.  I’m not sure that it is even on DVD.
Location:  Mostly on the same island in Australia, but then our main character eventually ends up in Hollywood, USA.    This is the second Yahoo Serious movie (following Young Einstein), so there should have been a decent budget but nothing huge compared to what we see for movies these days.
Plot:  This movie is about Ned Kelly, which is a true story in Australia.   There was a movie originally made about said character with Mick Jagger in it, and then there was a remake also with Heath Ledger.   Those were more of the serious biopics, where as this is the funnier side and most of this stuff might just be made up.   Still, it’s a comedy, so we can be a little bit lenient on the plot, right?
Acting:   Yahoo Serious is in this, alongside Hugo “I was in two of the greatest trilogies ever” Weaving and the actress who played Jan on The Office (U.S.)   Take that as your idea of what this will be like, acting-wise.
Production:  It looks like a big budget movie for its time, but in the present state of film could pass as a made for SyFy movie.
Sex/Nudity:  Nope, there isn’t any.   This movie is kid friendly as it doesn’t really have anything above a PG rating in it.
Special Effects:  These are probably what make this movie so great.   Okay, the dialogue is pretty cheesy, but these effects really make this movie worth watching.   In the opening scenes when the title character is robbing an ATM, he holds out a small paper bag, about the size of one you would use to take your lunch to school in as a kid, to collect the money coming out.   They cut scene, come back and Ned Kelly all of a sudden has a much larger paper bag filled with more money.   What kind of sorcery is this that the bag grows depending upon how much money is spit out of the ATM?   Why, the best kind of sorcery, that’s what kind!
Overall Verdict:  This movie is funny in only a cheesy way.   If you take this movie- or any part of it- too seriously, then you’re setting yourself up for a huge letdown.   But if you are willing to realize that this movie is from the 1990’s and has all of its major credits go to a guy who legally changed his name to Yahoo Serious, then, yes, you’ll probably laugh at this movie for all the wrong reasons, just as I did.