If It Sounds Too Good to be True…

Title:  The Stepfather (2009)

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Amber Heard, who is in Pineapple Express is in this movie as the girlfriend of the older son.   Otherwise, I don’t know these actors.

Introduction:  Pulled from the library shelf.

Location:  Mostly in one small town, and in their house at that.

Plot:  The main character in this movie basically goes around as a serial killer, offing broken families.   It’s an interesting plot, which probably held better water when this movie originally came out, but the thing is that nowadays it seems unrealistic.   Here you have this guy- who seems too good to be true- and he has an answer for everything.   I think the tipping point for me was when the neighbor saw someone on a television show she thought was him, then she “accidentally” trips over her cat and dies.   At that point in time, you do what you have to do—you go on the internet, you call the television station—WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO—to make sure that this guy isn’t going to kill you and your family.   But, no, the girlfriend just tells the oldest son to keep his mouth shut so he doesn’t have to go back to military school.   I mean, if there were just some little coincidences then I could understand, but this was like something straight out of Scary Movie.    You know, I expected the stepfather at one point to come out wearing a t-shirt that says “I Killed My Last So-Called Family and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt” or something.    I could see those huge Vegas style flashing lights above his head, with arrows pointing down and everything, screaming out “HE’S GOING TO MURDER YOU AND YOUR FAMILY” but no one in the movie could see it or at least care enough to do something about it.   This is what frustrates me about horror movies.    You get these characters who are so dumb they almost deserve to die in the movie.   Whatever happened to the smart characters that you didn’t want to see brutally beaten?

Acting:  Yeah, it was okay.

Production:   This was in theaters.

Sex/Nudity:  Not so much, no.

Special Effects:  They’re pretty non-existent.

Overall Verdict:   This movie was directed by the same guy who directed the Prom Night remake, which is funny to me because I feel exactly the same way about this movie as I do about Prom Night.   There are probably a hundred movies or more that I’d recommend you watch before this one (or Prom Night), but if you have absolutely nothing else to watch and feel like sort of wasting an hour and a half or so of your life, then by all means, watch this movie.   Just don’t under any circumstances pay for it.

He, Like, Collects Things

Title:  The Collector

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  No, I have no idea who any of the actors in this movie are or have ever been.

Introduction:   I pulled this off of the library shelf and it said it had something to do with Saw IV, V and VI.  I figured I’d give it a shot.   Turns out the director/co-writer directed those Saw movies, but then also worked on the Feast trilogy with another director, a team which will reunite for Piranha 3DD.   You can now judge when this review was posted because I’m going to tell you that Piranha 3DD is due out some time next year.

Location:  Primarily in the same house, but they do go to a few other places.

Plot:  I don’t really want to ruin the plot for anyone who hasn’t seen this one, but let me just say the two following things (which go together)   First off, this is what has become somewhat standard of a torture flick.   If you’re really into the Saw series (the whole series) then you’ll probably enjoy this storyline.   Second, it should be noted that this was originally pitched (but shot down) as being a prequel to the Saw series.   If that doesn’t give you a good idea of what this is like (and help you make comparisons between The Collector and Jigsaw) then I don’t know what else to tell you.

Acting:   The main actor (who is a loser that needs money) is a wannabe Sean Penn only, you know, without the skill.   The other actors and such in this film are easily forgettable, aside from The Collector himself.

Production:  While this may or may not have been in theaters, it looks like it could have been.   But you know what’s better than that?   This freaking soundtrack, man.   We have the Combichrist song “Shut Up and Bleed”, as well as one of the best song titles ever in “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” (by Bauhaus, duh).    To close it out, this movie ends on Nico Vega’s “Beast”.   Yes, sometimes soundtracks are way better than the actual movies (The Crow 2, Tron Legacy) but this is a case where… Okay, the soundtrack is way better but the movie itself still isn’t that bad.

Sex/Nudity:  Yeah, not so much.

Special Effects:   For what they have, with dismembered limbs and what not, they look good.

Overall Verdict:   This movie got me thinking, which is a good thing, but it got me thinking about movies in general, which might not be so good specifically for this movie.    When I was a kid, the first ever movie I saw in the Rocky series was Rocky V.   While that has been panned by critics as the worst in the entire series (And at this point in time I don’t disagree with them) it was still the first one that I saw, which exposed me to the rest of them.   The thing is, certain movies, if you told me they had a sequel I could say, “Yeah, I don’t need to see that” because most times the sequel (or consequent series of movies to follow) isn’t always better than the first one.   So if I didn’t really enjoy the first, then I’m probably going to sleep through ones to follow.   However, this theory does have holes in it because Cabin Fever was an awesome movie but the sequel sucked, but let’s blame that on the studio and overall lack of Eli Roth, shall we?   So there are exceptions to this sort of rule, but what I’m trying to say is that whether or not a movie is good or bad, you can judge it sometimes based on a sequel.   When I learned that this movie was going to be getting a sequel- The Collection- my initial reaction was “Yeah, I’d watch that”, which is a reflection upon this movie itself if I’ve ever seen one.    Because while Rocky V was so bad that nearly twenty years later Sylvester “Rocky Balboa himself” Stallone would go out of his way to write another chapter, I’ll always have fond memories of seeing Rocky and Tommy Gunn street fight on TNT, usually around Thanksgiving.

Makes You Think Twice About Home Ownership

Title:  Open House

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Adrienne Barbeau stars in this movie with some guy named Joseph Bottoms who I should probably recognize but don’t.

Introduction:  I bought this on VHS for an undisclosed sum on eBay.   I’m not sure whether or not it is available on DVD, and it doesn’t help that there are also movies with this same title from 2004 and 2010.  (This is the 1988 version)

Location:   In a small town where, apparently, all people care about are radio stations and real estate.

Plot:  This is one of those “hidden gems” horror movies because despite the scenes where you could jump or flinch because of the unexpected, there also is a somewhat interesting serial killer type of plot here.   A man- who is the main bad dude- is murdering people (specifically young women) in homes that are available for purchase.    Basically, if you’re looking to buy a home in the area, it is very possible that when you show up to tour the house someone might be dead in a closet or bathtub somewhere.    Just remember the first rule of real estate:  Don’t freak out, and don’t tell the potential buyers until after all of the paperwork is signed.    So this comes through its cycle of police trying to catch this guy who for some reason calls into a radio show and says the victims deserve what they got.   The radio show host happens to be married to or dating a realtor who eventually gets kidnapped by who police dub “the Open House Killer”.    Though it plays out somewhat expectedly, it still scores points for having an original idea for the plot and also some of the genuinely scary moments.   When it comes full tilt at the end, and we hear this poor guy’s back story (Which doesn’t really garner him any sympathy), it actually all plays out very nicely.

Acting:  It’s pretty good, I have nothing against Adrienne Barbeau and it’s especially nice to see her in a movie not directed by John Carpenter.

Production:  It’s from the 1980’s and it looks like it.

Sex/Nudity:  The two main characters do have a sex scene.   And I’m warning you… Joseph Bottoms is HAIRY.

Special Effects:  Again, it’s the 1980’s.

Overall Verdict:  As far as plots go, this has one of the most original and justified that I’ve possibly ever seen.   Okay, so maybe this homeless guy getting kicked out of the house he was squatting in shouldn’t have sent him on a killing spree, and maybe it wouldn’t hold up as a remake today because everyone knows that right now it’s a buyer’s market, making it hard to justify his complaint about houses being too expensive… But, umm…  Where was I going with this?

Whenever Someone Says This, They’re Usually Lying

Title:  I Come In Peace

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away: DOLPH LUNDGREN.

Introduction:  I bought this VHS tape on eBay for an undisclosed sum.   Please note that for whatever reason, according to the eBay seller as well as the Wikipedia page for this film, this movie has NEVER been released before on DVD in the United States.   It has had releases in other countries, but then it gets into the whole “region 1” / “region 2” DVD thing which I don’t have time for, well, ever.

Location:  Believe it or not, this movie takes place in the great city of Houston, Texas.   There are numerous landmarks, references, etc. and I think it’s pretty awesome.   As a city, the people of Houston should rally together and get this movie a DVD release in the U.S.   It’s part of Houston history!  (And Dolph Lundgren kicks ass)

Plot:  This has a somewhat complex plot, but really also just comes off like a bunch of movie plots thrown together.   Firstly, there is alien coming from another planet to earth (Think Terminator, Alienator, etc.) only he is also being hunted by an alien cop.   These two characters- literally named “good alien” and “bad alien”- remind me a bit of The Highlander, but whatever.    So what the bad alien is trying to do is injecting people with heroin (yes, the drug) then sticks some device into their brain to feed on the endorphins.    See, (and the movie explains this as well) when you take a drug like heroin it fools your brain into thinking different things, mainly releasing the pleasure centers which gives you the “high”.    So this mind altering stage that your brain comes into is what the alien is trying to, basically, put into a vile and sell as heroin times a million.   Think of it this way.   Think of how much sugar you would get by eating, say, a sugar cookie.   Think of that as the heroin.   Now what this alien is trying to market is like a Pixie Stick.    Straight up sugar.   It’s actually a somewhat interesting plot, if unbelievable.  If it was discussed I wasn’t paying close enough attention, but I’m still unsure what this bad alien’s end goal is.   Does he sell the drugs to humans and remain on earth?   Does he go back to his unnamed (and unmentioned) home planet and sell the drugs there, just using the humans as mere test subjects and guinea pigs?   Maybe I’m over thinking this now.   This movie does, however, make one good point you have to consider.   Dolph Lundgren (who has some generic name in the movie like John Caine) gets a partner who is young and annoying.   When Lundgren’s character suggests the main bad guy is an alien, they get into this discussion about how someone has to be the first to see an alien and make the claim.   When you think about it on the whole (In terms of what movies, television, books, etc.) have taught us, I think I’ve become somewhat desensitized to it all now that if someone told me there was an alien drug dealer in Houston I’d probably be very willing to believe them (And not just because I call Houston home either).   The thing is, at this point in time, so many people have had an alien theory, and sooner or later it’s going to come out to be true.   Just as Columbus sailed around the world, it is only naïve to believe Earth is the only inhabited planet.   I mean, come on, science, what happened to Pluto anyway?

Acting:  Dolph Lundgren is in this- king of the 1980’s and 1990’s sci-fi and fantasy cheese.  The guy has portrayed The Punisher (Frank Castle), He-Man and Ivan Drago.   What else do you need to know?  Oh, and the guy in here who plays the “bad alien” (Which is apparently also his best known role) does all of his own stunts because he’s 6’5” and they couldn’t find anyone else big enough to do them for him.   Pretty good stuff.   I mean, this isn’t going to win any acting awards, but for what it is, it gets the job done.

Production:   It looks how it is supposed to look.

Sex/Nudity:  There is one scene which I believe is in either a strip club or a Dennys where a girl shows her boobs, but you know, otherwise it’s pretty much just the mission to stop the bad alien.

Special Effects:  For an alien themed movie, there aren’t a whole lot of crazy lasers and all the types of things you’d imagine in a sci-fi sort of cop movie.   I hate to type this almost nearly as much as I hated to see it on the screen, but the bad alien’s main source of weaponry consisted of something that shot CDs which landed in the victim’s neck and killed them.   For some reason, I was reminded of Shaun of the Dead when they start chucking records. 

Overall Verdict:   This movie delivers when it comes to aliens, sci-fi, cheese and the overall unintended comedy you’d expect from a Dolph Lundgren movie.   As mentioned before, Dolph has been in some pretty high profile movies, all of which I like despite how critics may feel about them.   As far as his lesser known roles go, which this is one of and there are many, I think this is quite possibly his best role ever.   I don’t know if any other movie he is in could outdo what I’ve seen here.   From an alien who only says “I come in peace” right down to the end when Dolph’s character responds “And you leave in pieces, asshole”, this movie has a certain style and flair to it whether or not it can be noticed by everyone.   There is this B Movie quality here, don’t get me wrong, but there also exists these strong undertones of this almost being a rather serious and credible piece of work.   Honestly, I think it ranks up there rather high with the B Movies and almost even becomes a decent A Movie.

Your Vote Does Not Count

               The single phrase that really bothers me the most right now, since Barack “Osama killing” Obama is on the campaign trail for 2012 is that “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain”.   I can very easily complain whether I do vote or not, but my biggest problem with this statement is that it just makes entirely no sense.   The only way to find any real logic is based on the fact that people are telling you this just because they want you to vote.

                I always like to throw both parties out the window, but a few elections back was when this whole thing started.   Does anyone remember why?  George W. Bush had basically ruined the country and was voted the worst human being alive, so the Democrats wanted the next President to be, well… anyone but him.   Enter:  John Kerry.   John Kerry was once compared to JFK.   The only way the two of them will ever have anything in common is if John Kerry should somehow get shot as part of a conspiracy (And even then, he’ll probably just remain a footnote in political history)   Yes, the Dems really wanted you to rally up the troops and vote in the masses because it was the most important election ever… or until the next one.

                So if it was not just intended as a slogan to get the left into office, then what is the point of saying this?   Well, there is no point really.    Saying if you don’t vote you forfeit your right to complain is pretty naïve thinking.    Imagine if it were any other scenario, such as food for example.   Say you go to a fancy five star restaurant and you look at their specials.   The two specials for the evening are chicken and fish.   But you’re a vegetarian.   What do you do?   Hey, if you don’t pick one, you can’t complain that you’re hungry.   Another theory that is a bit harsher—have you ever played the murder/rape game?   You get to choose whether you want to be murdered or raped.   And if you don’t choose- we’ll rape you and then murder you.   (Or maybe not in that order, depending upon who the offender is)     What I’m basically trying to say is that if you want people to vote, either a) Get better choices or b) Simply enlist more choices.   Going back to the whole John Kerry fiasco, did anyone ever stop to think anything about this guy other than that he was running against Bush?   No, they didn’t.   It was a classic case of the great white hype because the Democrats never wanted you to vote for John Kerry, they just wanted you to vote against George W. Bush.   And if your own candidate is so weak that you can’t rally people behind him, what makes you think anyone will vote for him?

                What it all boils down to is the simple fact that saying you can’t complain if you don’t vote is a cop out.    You vote for John Kerry, and then watch as George W. Bush screws up the country and you complain about it and say, “Well, I didn’t vote for him”.   Big deal.   That is neither productive nor helpful.   I seem to recall a certain Halloween episode of The Simpsons when the Presidential candidates have their bodies taken over by aliens.   In the end of the episode, Homer says something along the lines of “Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos”.   That’s what I always think of when someone says “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain”.   Under the current regime, The Simpsons and their fictional friends were forced into slave labor.   Homer’s comment is amusing because if Kodos had won, do you think the result would have been any different? 

                Old and tired clichés come to mind whenever I think of this expression.   “You can’t polish a turd”.   “I don’t need to eat shit to know that I wouldn’t like the taste of it”.   And we might as well add “If you don’t vote you can’t complain” to the pile because it really has no true meaning.

Lesbians Can’t Save You Now

Title:  Evil Remains

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Ashley Scott is really all that you need to know  about this movie.

Introduction:   Purchased on eBay for an undisclosed sum.

Location:  In and around an abandoned old house that is said to be haunted.   You know how it goes.   Plus side:  It’s in New Orleans.

Plot:   A group of guys and girls, who all happen to be roommates, venture to a house that is supposedly haunted by a boy who murdered his parents there.   The legend goes that the boy was so tortured and abused by his dad, that he murdered his parents but his body never was found.   He still lives within the house (evil remains) and kills anyone who tries to steal his curtains.   I have no idea how original this plot is, mainly because the idea of a legend of a haunted house (or cursed or whatever you want to call it) seems to have been overdone.    Minor Spoiler:  (You’re not going to watch this movie anyway)  At the end they reveal some plot twist where it isn’t the boy who is evil but some girl and blah blah blah, even with a plot twist this story is old and tired.

Acting:  Ashley Scott is in here, but otherwise I have no idea who these college aged kids are and probably for good reason.

Production:  The sequel to this movie would be called “Evil Still Remains”… Eh, who am I kidding?  This movie isn’t getting a sequel.

Sex/Nudity:   Not so much, which is surprising for this type of movie.

Special Effects:  They are almost non-existent.

Overall Verdict:  If you’re a fan of movies, you probably won’t enjoy this.   There are literally hundreds of other movies out there about haunted houses, and that doesn’t even begin to touch on the books, comic books, etc. that are also on the same subject.     The only thing I really cared about in this movie was Ashley Scott and unless you’re a HUGE fan of hers (I am not), I would skip this movie at all costs.   I pretty much immediately regretted watching it as soon as it started and the kids were playing cards and drinking.   I thought, “I’ve seen too many of these movies and this one doesn’t seem to promise anything new or different”.    I was right and I should have shut it off right then.    Don’t make the same mistake that I did.   This movie isn’t so bad that it’s funny, it’s just bad.

Band Aid On Your Nose

Title:  Steele Justice

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie has the guy who headed up the Cobra Kai in The Karate Kid series as its main good guy.  It also features Sela Ward and Shannon Tweed, if you know who they are.

Introduction:  I bought this from Good Will because it looked cheesy enough to be worth the 79 cents.  Through some research I’ve discovered that- I believe- this movie has never been transferred to DVD.

Location:  In a jungle at first, then eventually in a city.   Sadly, they had some budget for location.

Plot:  The main character, named John Steele, was in Vietnam and supposedly killed.  He somehow lived on to become a cop who was then supposed to have died but didn’t.   He pretty much then goes on this psychotic rampage against his cop friends wishes (They tried to lock him up) and gets revenge on those who killed his partner and his partner’s family.    It’s your basic Punisher/Rambo/very generic and happens all the time kind of movie plot.   The guy (I keep forgetting his name) kind of resembles Dolph Lundgren, but isn’t, and at times he’s dressed and acts like Rambo.   Geez, the guy’s name even is John Steele (like John Rambo).   This is pretty close to a Rambo rip off, yes.

Acting:  It’s HILARIOUS.

Production:  It looks good for 1987.

Sex/Nudity:  No, the closest thing is all these shots of the main guy with no shirt on even though he still looks like he’s wearing some sort of sweater.

Special Effects:  The opening scenes look like they are shot with paintball guns as their weapons.  Is that a sign of the times (such as, how far we’ve come) or were the effects just that bad for that time as well?

Overall Verdict:   If you’re going to go out of your way to see this for more than a dollar, don’t do it.   But if you have the time and can watch it for free, and you like to make fun of movies that try to take themselves too seriously then this might be for you.

He’s Not Bigfoot, He Just Needs a Shave

Title:  Clawed

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  No idea.

Introduction:  Purchased on eBay for an undisclosed sum.

Location:  Primarily in the woods and a classroom.   Kind of like Blair Witch meets Saved by the Bell.

Plot:  There are four kids, two guys and two girls, and one of the guys believes in bigfoot.   There have recently been some murders in the woods that people are passing off as being done by a bear, but the kid doesn’t buy it, so for his class project he goes to try and get video and whatever proof he can that sasquatch exists.    No, I am not making this up.   He brings along his unwilling “cool/jock/bully” type friend who mostly just offers up insults that would make a grade school student wince.   They’re the original odd couple, and yet for some reason the bully guy’s cousin likes the dorky guy so they end up in this sort of “date” situation in the woods before everyone starts being eaten by bigfoot.   It’s a plot that is somewhat old but would have been nicely done had everyone died in the end.

Acting:   It’s unbelievably awful.

Production:   It looks okay, though bigfoot himself looks like a rejected Harry and the Hendersons costume.

Sex/Nudity:    Not so much, but the bully guy tries to video tape his cousin when she starts making out with the dorky kid.   Even she thinks it’s weird and has to remind him that she is his cousin.   How did that guy not die, I shall never know.

Special Effects:  Barely there.

Overall Verdict:  I like a good bigfoot movie as much as the next person and this one isn’t half bad.   Well, okay, half of it is bad, but for the most part it’s fun to watch if only to make fun of how stupid the characters are and hope that they will be eaten by bigfoot or someone…. Alas, a wish that never comes true.

Where’d That Albino Kid Go?

Title:  The Karate Kid (2010)

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Jackie Chan is the true star of this.  He is the only reason why I watched it.

Introduction:  I got this DVD off the shelf at the library for free.  I went out of my way a total of 0% to watch this movie, the way it should be.

Location:  China, duh.

Plot:  A young street thug from somewhere in America moves to China with his mom (for career reasons) and then he finds himself in some trouble with the local kids.   It has the typical sort of “overcoming a bully” problems and message, but what amazes me about this movie is two simple things.  First off, every Chinese person in this movie knows kung fu and attends some sort of classes, trying to improve and please their master.    While I thought that was just a myth perpetuated by gwylo, I guess it is in fact true.   In some ways, it seemed like some sort of martial arts was being taught even in school as a requirement.   It’s almost like China is being portrayed in this movie as a country that said: “You know what?  America thinks we all know martial arts, so damnit, we’re going to teach everyone martial arts!”    Why not, right?   While subject may have been a little bit more lighthearted in nature (At one point, Dre tells his mom he’s learning kung fu from the maintenance man.   When she seems shocked, he says something like “It’s China, everyone knows kung fu!”), the one thing that really bothers me most about this movie, as a stereotype, is the way Dre is treated and that we’re supposed to feel sorry for him.   It’s a typical American thought that we are the best country in the world (Hey, we are) and so everyone needs to be like us (Maybe so).   But do we really need to go so far as to make it seem like Dre was being bullied because he was different and that’s his fault?   Let’s pretend for a minute that the roles were reversed and a young Chinese boy came to America, called everything old and took no time to learn or prepare anything in advance about the language or culture.   How many times have people in America (Especially directed toward the Hispanic crowd) said something like “Learn the language of the country you’re in!”   But I guess that only applies if you’re in America.   Look, I get the point of this movie and how it’s just a movie and all, and I’m reading too much into it, blah blah blah… But I find it very hard to feel badly for the character of Dre.   He’s being bullied by kids that he took the time to learn absolutely nothing about.   Maybe had he learned even just a little bit of Chinese and he could’ve spoken to them in their native tongue then he wouldn’t have been picked on so much.   The outsider is always going to be picked on.   Maybe it’s for the music you listen to or the clothes you wear, but when you’re in a completely different country and culture...?   Duh, what did you expect?  A welcome with open arms?

Acting:  I should note it’s kind of funny (but not really) that Jaden Smith was recently involved in a death scandal.   Apparently there are more than one kids named Jaden Smith in this world.   Well, maybe not anymore.

Production:  It looked big budget and it was.

Sex/Nudity:  It’d be funny, but no.   It’s still a kids movie.

Special Effects:  So when Dre and his mom first move to China, he is immediately greeted by this kid who I swear is an albino.   They sort of become friends for the first twenty minutes or so of the movie—they even play basketball together.   Then Jaden Smith gets beat up by a gang of kids who are better at kung fu than I will, sadly, ever be.   Albino boy disappears at this point to never appear again in the movie and without mention, as if he never existed.  That is, perhaps, the greatest effect of all.

Overall Verdict:  It kind of annoys me that they kept this title as “The Karate Kid” because now you basically have to always add the “2010” at the end so it’s not to be confused with the original.   It’s like Piranha 3D, Sublime with Rome and so many other things in that way.   While this movie was much better than I expected it to ever be, I still wish it would have done the little thing of changing its name (See: Mirrors) to avoid confusion.  I guess “The Kung Fu Kid” just didn’t sound appealing.

Why Do People Still Go On Spring Break?

Title:  Piranha 3D

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  ALEXANDRE AJA ALEXANDRE AJA ALEXANDRE AJA

Introduction:  I also got this from Netflix.

Location:  On a beach I’ve seen somewhere before.

Plot:  Not too much unlike the Joe Dante version, or Jaws for that matter, spring break youths are terrorized by killer piranha.   My favorite part?  As he is warned by police to stay out of the water, some guy decides he’s too cool for the rules and jumps in…. only to die.   Sometimes it’s smart to follow the rules, especially when you’re being told by someone who is a little bit smarter about something (like, say, water) than you are.

Acting:   You can never go wrong with a cameo by Eli Roth.   The acting is just over the top enough where it’s not too cheesy and it’s not too serious.   Certain characters I won’t name seem to know that you are only watching this to see them die (and we are).

Production:  It was in theaters and it was 3D.   However, the DVD does not come in 3D but there is some special blu-ray that does.

Sex/Nudity:  There is a bunch, yes.   But they all pay the price, as they should.

Special Effects:  A girl is windsurfing (is that what you call it?) and her legs get eaten off by the piranhas.  It’s pretty cool.   I also really enjoyed the Jerry O’Connell death scene.

Overall Verdict:  I read on iMDB that this movie used 75,000 gallons of blood every day during shooting.   If that appeals to you as much as it did to me, then you will probably like this movie as much as I did.

The Sequel Will Be PeeTutu

Title:  P2

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This is a movie only written by Alexandre Aja, not directed.   But still, I like it and it has all the blood and guts you’d expect from AJA.

Introduction:  Initially I got this from Netflix, but after watching it I got it for keeps from Target for $5.

Location:  This movie, much like Subterano, literally takes place inside a parking garage.  While I’m sure that they have a budget, this is prime example of a phonebooth movie and also adheres to the adage that if you can sneak around in a parking lot long enough you can film a low budget movie.

Plot:  A young woman is stalked and tortured by a security guy who is just way too creepy.  The thing about this movie, the plot of it, that really gets me is that the bad guy is so much smarter than the girl—at least in her capture—because there is seemingly very little she could have done to avoid this from happening.   The guy is actually one of the security guards in the building, so having him offer to jump your car doesn’t really stand out as a “No, go grab the other security guy, get a cab and get the hell out of there” moment because what if the other security guy was in on it too?  Or what if he was the bad one?    I think that’s why I like this movie so much- because in most cases you can say “Well, if they didn’t go down that road none of this would’ve happened.  Just stick to the main roads and don’t date guys with a record”   But there was no case like that here, which intrigues me.

Acting:  It’s pretty good.   The main girl is Rachel Nichols, and I will always remember her from Alias and Dumb and Dumberer.   The main guy is Wes Bentley, who was in Ghost Rider and American Beauty, though I never saw the latter (Or choose to remember seeing it anyway)

Production:  It’s somewhat dimly lit at times, but looks like it could’ve been in theaters.

Sex/Nudity:  Despite the creepy stalker part of this, there isn’t any nudity or sex in this movie.

Special Effects:  A guy strapped to a chair gets run down.  That’s all I’ve got to say.

Overall Verdict:  I liked this movie a lot more than I thought that I would.  I definitely recommend you to view it at least once.

Even Reflective Surfaces Want Kiefer Sutherland Dead

Title:  Mirrors

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  ALEXANDRE AJA ALEXANDRE AJA ALEXANDRE AJA

Introduction:  I got this from the library.  I’ve actually checked it out twice before and never watched it, but when realizing it was an Aja film I figured it would have a decent amount of blood so it’d be worth watching.  It did.

Location:  In an old abandoned place and some apartments in a city of some kind.   They had some money.

Plot:  Sometimes what happens in the mirror is different from what we want.  I kind of do like the idea of this being possible.  I think it’s a clever premise and kind of remember it being used in a show before only with shadows instead of mirrors.   I want to say it was on something like Alvin and the Chipmunks, but that doesn’t seem right.   Then I remember this plot from AATC where some bought up a whole bunch of common baseball cards (of the same player) to make him rare.   They were all like, “Everyone has one of his cards!”  …  “Do you?” …  “Well, err, umm… not anymore”   AHA!

Acting:  Kiefer Sutherland is the bane of my existence.

Production:  It was in theaters.

Sex/Nudity:  Amy Smart dies in the bathtub, but you don’t see anything.

Special Effects:  They look really good, and once again are the really only redeeming quality of this movie.

Overall Verdict:   I was probably right in not watching this the first two times that I got it.   It’s not the best, it just has some neat visuals.  I wouldn’t really recommend this movie to anyone, I’d just say you should try to find stills online of the better effects and call it a day.

Shootin’ Rockets Out of My Fingers

Title:  The Killer Meteors

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  This movie has Jackie Chan in it, as a small role as the villain, but the main star is Jimmy Wang Yu.   It is in no way a Jackie Chan movie, though it is typically marketed as such.

Introduction:  I picked this up at my local Good Will on VHS.   It was part of a rather large collection that either someone (or their mom) recently got rid of/donated.

Location:  Everywhere meteors exist.

Plot:  One guy is good, one guy is bad and they both can shoot a certain amount of meteors out of the hands to hurt someone else.   Why it doesn’t hurt their hands, well… Let’s ask the creators of some videogames that question.    I find that, in most movies, logic is absent.   Let’s just watch these cool fight scenes and worry less about the plot, okay?

Acting:  It’s originally in Chinese and dubbed in English.   A lot of the characters seem like they should have tougher sounding voices.

Production:  It’s from the 1970’s and looks as such.

Sex/Nudity:  Nah brah.

Special Effects:  The meteors I spoke of look a lot like fireworks.

Overall Verdict:  It’s funny to me, and I enjoy the action, but this is definitely a cult movie in the sense that it is not for everyone.   And by everyone I mean it probably wouldn’t appeal to anyone.

They Should Have Called This “The Hills Still Have Eyes”

Title:  The Hills Have Eyes II

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Umm… The famous Jett Jackson?

Introduction:   I got this movie from eBay for an undisclosed amount.

Location:  Primarily in a part of the desert that no one should ever want to go into.

Plot:  Overzealous new recruits get killed and eaten by those crazy mutants that live in the hills (and were in the first remake as well)   Funniest part:  One of the soldiers kills their leader himself on accident.  Whoops.

Acting:  It’s okay, but not great.

Production:  It looks good.   The visual styling of this movie is its best feature.

Sex/Nudity:  Nope, too busy being scared for their lives.

Special Effects:  There is bloodshed and it is good.  But things like when the guy falls off the cliff they don’t show, which is an obvious attempt to cut costs.  At least give me a Wyle E. Coyote dust cloud or something.

Overall Verdict:  Whatever it may say about this movie, I need to note that in the first few scenes Gina and I had a lengthy back and forth about whether or not we had seen it before.   She was convinced we had, I was convinced that we hadn’t.   I don’t know why, despite what was happening on the screen, I had the thought in my mind that I’d never seen this movie before and was watching it for the first time.   But once we got further into it, yes, I realized we had in fact seen it before.   Does that mean this is a great stand out movie?

Potatoes Also Have Eyes

Title:  The Hills Have Eyes

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Alexandre Aja was asked to make this movie by Wes Craven after Craven saw High Tension.   No joke.  I’m on an Aja kick now, if you couldn’t tell.

Introduction:  I’m pretty sure that I got this from Games Plus, but I might be wrong.

Location:  In the hills, duh (and not Beverly)

Plot:  Some family going on vacation for some dumb reason decide to stop at a gas station and give the guy there some trouble.   Seriously, I don’t care if you’re a retired cop.   If you tell a guy it’s illegal to smoke near gas pumps, whether you seem to upset him or not, do not- I repeat DO NOT- take his directions for a road off of the beaten path.  It will only lead to your doom.

Acting:  The little girl mutant, in the red sweater, reminds me of a cross between Gollum and ET.

Production:  It looks good and there is obviously lots of blood.

Sex/Nudity:  Not so much, no.

Special Effects:  The dad (who is from Monk) gets burned alive.   It’s kind of neat.

Overall Verdict:  I like this movie.  I like almost any horror movie, but I really like this movie.   If that girl from Lost hadn’t gone and done Lost, we might have had a completely different sequel as well.

This Movie Is A Death Sentence

Title:  Death Sentence

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  James Wan directs, while Kevin Bacon stars.

Introduction:  James Wan (Saw, Insidious) did this movie.   That was enough to make me look past Kevin Bacon being in it.   I got it from Netflix.

Location:  Throughout a neighborhood.   It had a decent budget, but probably not a huge one.

Plot:  Kevin Bacon’s favorite son is murdered as part of some gang initiation.   His other son goes through the whole “You wish it was me, don’t you” phase while Kevin Bacon goes all revenge psycho on the gang that did it to him.   Oh, and the guy who got arrested was about to get off with only parole or some minor sentence.   Kevin Bacon wasn’t having this, so he started a murdering spree, which we all know will only end in tears.   I kid you not, the leader of this gang is played by the kid from the new Tron.  It’s kind of funny.    Anyway, if this plot sounds somewhat familiar then you must have also seen Law Abiding Citizen.

Acting:  It’s good for who is in it.

Production:   It looks good enough.

Sex/Nudity:  Nope, just good old fashioned killing.

Special Effects:  They are about the only redeeming quality of this movie.

Overall Verdict:   If you never see this movie, you will not be sad or any less of a movie fan.