The Sequel Will Be “Room 33 1/3”

Title:  Room 33

Actors/Director/Anything Worth Mentioning Right Away:  Do you know who Edward Barbarini is?  Yeah, me neither, but he directed this movie.

Introduction:  This is one of four films on the Midnight Horror Collection entitled “Bloody Slashers”.   The DVD was purchased at Wal-Mart for $5, making this movie worth about $1.25.   It was a good deal!

Location:  They start out driving on the road, but most of the film takes place inside what used to be a psychiatric hospital.   Much like Subterano existed simply by someone using a parking garage for the location, this just needed some sort of abandoned building and the right props.   I really want to come up with a name for these movies that generally take place in only one location.  Is there one?  Someone tell me, I can’t be expected to do my own research!!

Plot:  A group of two guys and three girls are travelling in a van to some roller derby game near Washington state.   They stop and pick up a guy and a girl who have had a car accident (rookie mistake number one).    They keep driving straight on the same road for four hours and finally reach a sign that says the road is closed and they can’t go any further.   The driver- who looks like the blue love child of Jemaine Clement and Judah Friedlander- decided to wait to get gas, so they don’t have enough to get the eighty miles or so back to the last town (rookie mistake number two).  Then suddenly they notice a sign that says “private drive” or something, I don’t remember, it should have said “come off the beaten path and die” because that’s what they usually turn out meaning in horror movies.   Being the smart, about-to-die youngsters that they are, they of course go up the trail off the beaten path by foot (rookie mistake number three).   Oh, but one girl stays behind to skate around.  Yup, you guessed it--  rookie mistake number four:  She who skates alone, dies alone.   The remaining six end up in this building, which they mistake for a retirement home, where they meet this girl Roxy who is all sorts of messed up.   Then they all start dying one by one and, well, you can probably see where this is going.  Most of these characters are standard cookie cutter molds you would read about in film school (Or in a book like, “How To Make Horror Movies”), but the one blonde is pretty funny because she just refuses to listen to anyone or believe anything is going wrong.  Actual line of dialogue from the film:  “So what if all my friends are dead?  That doesn’t prove anything!  And… ummm… I’ve got a baseball bat!!”  Okay, so maybe that was never really said, but she did manage to kill her friend (on accident?) with said baseball bat, which just made this movie even more terrifying.   Sticking it out through this plot to see the blonde dies is both rewarding and unfulfilling. 

Acting:  It’s not bad, but it’s not great.   Here is how I would recast this movie, though, and make it a big budget movie for theaters.   Guy who is in charge of the roller girls team:  Nick Cannon.   Guy who is videotaping it all:  Jemaine Clement with a Judah Friedlander look.   Guy who they pick up because his car broke down:  Jensen Ackles.  Girl who they pick up with him:  Rebecca Gayheart.  Girl who is blonde and real tough:  Paris Hilton (Yes, the acting would be a step up)  Everyone else:  Who cares.

Production:  It looks like a 2009 straight to DVD movie.

Sex/Nudity:  There is one scene when they’re about to have sex, and in another scene you see the same blonde girl’s underpants, but you know, nothing too obscene.   They really don’t need to be doing such things when someone is out there trying to kill them, but what can you do?

Special Effects:  The majority of the effects here are “after shots”.  You never truly see much happen, which is disappointing yet cost effective.   Rather than do anything creative, they just cut scene and then have the actress lay down on the ground with fake blood you can buy during Halloween on her head.

Overall Verdict:  I’ve definitely seen worse movies.   Sure, the acting leaves something to be desired and the plot is generic and they follow every cliché in the book, but, you know… Where was I going with this?  It was all right.   It had its moments where it could have probably actually scared someone.   It wasn’t the best by far, but it wasn’t the worst either.